Hello everyone (*smile*)
Heres the sad but wonderful story of my little bb that I lost yesterday. I write this, not because it helps me to grief or indeed put a closure to this event, but because I feel that my bb deserves a hearing. Apart from a few immediate family members and the medical staff that we encountered, no one will ever have an inkling that my little one ever existed. He or she will never even be part of any official statistics. Therefore, I will be my bbs voice. I want my bb to have touched and tasted, I want my little one to leave a mark in this world. This is the life of my lost bb.
I conceived fairly early in our attempts. Besides the positive pregnancy test, there were other classical symptoms of conception: breast tenderness, nausea, backache. I thought and hoped that things would progress well.
Then the spotting started. Sporadic orange stains that turned brown over a couple of days. I was cautious and concerned but not unduly worried the occurrence was common and I had medical assurance.
The crampy pain began after 4 in the morning yesterday. It felt like menstrual contractions, not a good omen. I took note of the pain in a haze. Physically, I knew I tossed and turned in an attempt to sooth my tummy and not to strain the muscles. I hoped, I prayed that it was just a tummy upset. Mentally, I think I blocked out the ugly implications. I had only seen my GP last Friday and the referral to an antenatal hospital was not even processed. There was no professional help at hand I could think of even if I had considered seeking it.
The pain was ebbing but still felt when I awoke later in the morning. I told hubby but played down the scenario. I did not want him to be overly concerned I think he was grim. I forced myself to lie on the couch till just past 9 am. I couldnt help it anymore. In the washroom, I felt and saw the blood. I knew I needed immediate attention and started calling hubbys hospital to contact him. He had just started a new rotation two weeks ago and the systems were not updated. Transferred from one department to another, cut off abruptly, refused help rudely, unanswered calls I held onto the phone for nearly an hour while calling the GP and the A&E hotline with my cellphone. I left my house for the A&E at 10.
The london cab driver actually took me to the wrong hospital, just a short detour from the correct address. Finally got to the A&E, there was barely a queue (thank God!) and I was attended to within hour. The SHO assured me and as there was no bodily discharge of tissue I felt safe for a while. Ironically, there were a couple of Chinese anagrams along with their English translation on the wall: hope, heart, love, family. I managed to speak to hubby. He was rushing to us.
After 11 am, the SHO managed to arrange for an emergency ultrasound scan for 11:40. I was given a litre of cold water that I drank in 10 minutes, sitting by myself along a cool corridor. It made me shiver for a full 5 minutes but I was determined that I would fight for us all the way. I then made my way to x-ray. As I walked, I felt the blood started to flow again, more like a gush this time. I wanted to scream, to yell, to beg for my childs life but like a zombie, I found and stood in front of the ultrasound reception, waiting. Then I felt something slipped. It was so awful. I clutched my tummy to try to stop it, clenching my pelvic muscles. At the washroom (third along the corridor), I saw the life flowed out of me, my body discharging the gestational sac along with my bb. It was whole, very clean and I had the crazy notion that I should pick it up so my hubby could see our bb too. I tried to call him from within the cubicle but there was no reception. I opened the door and tried to wave down a doctor or a nurse, anyone. It was crazy, I did not know what was right or wrong only that this was not right! My bb is in the toilet bowl. After 5 minutes (I think), I took a last look and flushed my bb away, along with a piece of my heart.
I sat in a daze waiting for my scan. Sat at the x-ray sector where I noticed people were changing into hospital gowns. Wondered if I had to do the same and then found an empty seat outside the scanning labs. In the lab, I tried to tell the technician what happened. She saw my face and knew and did a stomach scan. Couldnt see much so I was told to empty my bladder for a vaginal scan. My hubby arrived then. The v. scan did not show any signs of gestation. I will never know if that was because the sac had already been expelled or otherwise. I was told to expect continued bleeding for up to 10 days and to follow up this incident with our GP. We took the report given and walked home, hand in hand, our bb gone away from us forever.
Along the way, life goes on unchanged, untouched. I know I would recover and look forward to trying again. But I also know I would never forget my beautiful little one, the life that was not meant to be, the joy he/she has given us. My bb was only 35 days old (+ 2 weeks) but made us three.
Heres the sad but wonderful story of my little bb that I lost yesterday. I write this, not because it helps me to grief or indeed put a closure to this event, but because I feel that my bb deserves a hearing. Apart from a few immediate family members and the medical staff that we encountered, no one will ever have an inkling that my little one ever existed. He or she will never even be part of any official statistics. Therefore, I will be my bbs voice. I want my bb to have touched and tasted, I want my little one to leave a mark in this world. This is the life of my lost bb.
I conceived fairly early in our attempts. Besides the positive pregnancy test, there were other classical symptoms of conception: breast tenderness, nausea, backache. I thought and hoped that things would progress well.
Then the spotting started. Sporadic orange stains that turned brown over a couple of days. I was cautious and concerned but not unduly worried the occurrence was common and I had medical assurance.
The crampy pain began after 4 in the morning yesterday. It felt like menstrual contractions, not a good omen. I took note of the pain in a haze. Physically, I knew I tossed and turned in an attempt to sooth my tummy and not to strain the muscles. I hoped, I prayed that it was just a tummy upset. Mentally, I think I blocked out the ugly implications. I had only seen my GP last Friday and the referral to an antenatal hospital was not even processed. There was no professional help at hand I could think of even if I had considered seeking it.
The pain was ebbing but still felt when I awoke later in the morning. I told hubby but played down the scenario. I did not want him to be overly concerned I think he was grim. I forced myself to lie on the couch till just past 9 am. I couldnt help it anymore. In the washroom, I felt and saw the blood. I knew I needed immediate attention and started calling hubbys hospital to contact him. He had just started a new rotation two weeks ago and the systems were not updated. Transferred from one department to another, cut off abruptly, refused help rudely, unanswered calls I held onto the phone for nearly an hour while calling the GP and the A&E hotline with my cellphone. I left my house for the A&E at 10.
The london cab driver actually took me to the wrong hospital, just a short detour from the correct address. Finally got to the A&E, there was barely a queue (thank God!) and I was attended to within hour. The SHO assured me and as there was no bodily discharge of tissue I felt safe for a while. Ironically, there were a couple of Chinese anagrams along with their English translation on the wall: hope, heart, love, family. I managed to speak to hubby. He was rushing to us.
After 11 am, the SHO managed to arrange for an emergency ultrasound scan for 11:40. I was given a litre of cold water that I drank in 10 minutes, sitting by myself along a cool corridor. It made me shiver for a full 5 minutes but I was determined that I would fight for us all the way. I then made my way to x-ray. As I walked, I felt the blood started to flow again, more like a gush this time. I wanted to scream, to yell, to beg for my childs life but like a zombie, I found and stood in front of the ultrasound reception, waiting. Then I felt something slipped. It was so awful. I clutched my tummy to try to stop it, clenching my pelvic muscles. At the washroom (third along the corridor), I saw the life flowed out of me, my body discharging the gestational sac along with my bb. It was whole, very clean and I had the crazy notion that I should pick it up so my hubby could see our bb too. I tried to call him from within the cubicle but there was no reception. I opened the door and tried to wave down a doctor or a nurse, anyone. It was crazy, I did not know what was right or wrong only that this was not right! My bb is in the toilet bowl. After 5 minutes (I think), I took a last look and flushed my bb away, along with a piece of my heart.
I sat in a daze waiting for my scan. Sat at the x-ray sector where I noticed people were changing into hospital gowns. Wondered if I had to do the same and then found an empty seat outside the scanning labs. In the lab, I tried to tell the technician what happened. She saw my face and knew and did a stomach scan. Couldnt see much so I was told to empty my bladder for a vaginal scan. My hubby arrived then. The v. scan did not show any signs of gestation. I will never know if that was because the sac had already been expelled or otherwise. I was told to expect continued bleeding for up to 10 days and to follow up this incident with our GP. We took the report given and walked home, hand in hand, our bb gone away from us forever.
Along the way, life goes on unchanged, untouched. I know I would recover and look forward to trying again. But I also know I would never forget my beautiful little one, the life that was not meant to be, the joy he/she has given us. My bb was only 35 days old (+ 2 weeks) but made us three.
