Support Group - Stillbirths

angel

i replied to ur posting over at the other thread. It is difficult to be strong at this moment... u dun have to be strong, u just need to be there for ur hubby and for those who love u so much.

i remember when i was battling with my c-section wound, my hubby had to attend to the baby i had lost, plus my surviving babies in the NICU. i'm sure it was hard for him to face this alone... He had to see to the demise of the baby and the arrangement for the stillborn cert... i never had the chance to see my baby cos i was recovering from my GA (sometimes i wonder, if only i had, but sadly, i din have the courage to).

i hope both u and hubby can stand by each other. i am sure u already are. *hugz* keep us posted on how u are getting. Will be popping by whenever i can.

steph, just a couple of weeks ago, i finally plugged the courage to go through the ultrasounds of my babies. i kept all of them in an album, gosh, was crying away when i saw the ultrasound of my stillborn baby. But i guess that was an closure for the stillborn episode. i still think of him although that was more than half a year ago. Whenever i go to places that i had been when i was pregnant, it will always occur to me that he was there before too. i will remember him as long as i live, and i hope to re-unite with him in the other world when my time is up. i intend to tell my children about this brother of their when they are older, how he has sacrificed himself without compromising the health of the two of them. Move on, steph!
 


Dear ladies,
it has been quite a long while since i last posted. Cos busy with work. I guess, work is probably the best way to take me off the obsession over having a baby. 13 months ago i lost my my dearest baby boy due to my damn incompetent cervix at 25 weeks. Today i still hate myself for being in such a weak health not to bring my healthy baby to full term.

Angel, i could totally understand what u went thru. Cos i was also fighting with neo natal death for 2.5 weeks in NUH. i failed of course, and similarly, father's day came shortly i have discharged. It pained me so much that my hubby cant be a daddy..

We ladies have an avenue to pour our grievances, the guys just have to quietly swallow their tears and smile away at any insensitive remarks.

After 2 m/cs, one 7 weeks and then 25weeks, i am still childless. But i told myself i have to be strong, then my hubby will be strong.

So we really have to stay strong for our hubbies too.

Ladies, let's all work hard to strengthen our bodies. We will definitely see fruits soon.

Angel, i was on the IV drip to fight infection for quite long too, after that switched to oral anti biotics. True to Gynae's warn,i developed vaginal infection, so was on another course of antibiotics. I had alot of plain yoghurt too to help combat infection the natural way.

Now, your body may contain a lot of toxin from the anti biotics. So may i suggest u take more fruits and veg and lotsa water to purge all the harmful residues.

We are all here for one another.
 
So upset last evening by an insensitive moron ... I signed up a sliming package juz 1 week b4 I got preggy last yr so halfway gotta stop. And my previous consultant bery nicely put my package on hold so tt I can use after my pregnancy.

Yday I went to check on the package ... the studio mgr that I was under has switch to manage another branch and my prev consultant left e co. already. The new one tt took over pissed me rite off. To force me to sign up a new package there ... she said tt based on her experience coz she oso delivered by c-sect, I can't use the machines now coz my wound is not fully healed. So I told her then I restart my package later lor ... then she said that my previous package expiring soon so not enuff time.

Duh~ tis is so totally not true coz the package is on hold till oct plus 1 yr frm then whr got not enuff time??? yet tt byatch says tt it's expiring in another few months n unless I take a new package to continue together.

I was keen to take up a new package tt's y I went down in the first place but she dun have to do all this to force me rite! I merely told her that I need to discuss with my hubby since he's sponsoring me and guess wat she said ... she said "U shld sign up now cos u cannot let your fats build up and harden, cannot drag till after nxt pregnancy ... U this kind is not considered really giving birth so can slim down easily one"

Can imagine my blood boiling ... wtf she mean by I not consider give birth? Then wat? Is my baby susposed to be a growing tumor inside my womb for 6 mths and my c-sect is to remove it? I literally told her bery coldly tt I juz had a stillbirth and I had juz DELIVERED 2 months ago!! N she's a woman n mother as well ... how insensitive can she get? N she kept emphasizing I can pay by installment using credit card ... I told her I no need installment n she kept pestering why why why ... dammnit I look like I no money pay meh? I nv meant 2 be showy but I so angry tt I told her rite in her face I got cash cannot meh? It shows how much listening skills she has man ... b4 tt already tell her my hubby sponsoring already wat ... still ask so many fei hua! ANGRY!!!
sad.gif


End up today I gotta arrange for the trf of my prev package and my mum's package to the new branch tt my prev studio mgr is at. N sign up a new package with her instead on the spot coz at least I can feel that the care and concern abt my well being coming frm her but none frm tt consultant who's only concern abt making a sale out of me.
 
hi Chloe

Sorry to bother u but can u pls tell me more about this stillborn cert? Can I get one for my boy? coz no matter wat to me n my hubby he's our first born and we would really wish to get him a cert.
 
Hi Steph,

It is good that you are seeking counselling with a professional. After my second stillbirth, I had a good talk with a nun and was surprised that she could fully understand how I felt (Was told before that these nuns studied Psychology before their ordination to nunhood). She told me to write a letter to my babies in heaven whenever I miss them. I kept a blog for my 2 babies which contained these letters.

Angel, I can understand your frustrations and the same kind of anger went thru me. When I reread my blog, I realise I also asked the same questions as you. See below, an excerpt from my blog:

<font color="0000ff">"Today I went for my postnatal checkup to check my stitches. My gynae told us that she haven gotten the autopsy results yet. So I'm scheduled to see her 6 wks later for pap smear, hopefully by then she will have gotten some results and can evaluate what to do in my next pregnancy.

Seriously I'm really afraid of getting pregnant again. I really dunno what to expect from the results. What if the results show nothing? Would I dare try to have a trial and error pregnancy? What if God did not destine for me to be a mother, then no matter we do, every pregnancy will bound to be a failure? Sometimes I see those pregnant ladies, going thru 40 weeks then giving birth to healthy and live babies, its like so easy and natural for them, but why izzit so difficult for me? Its like impossible for me to have an offspring.

Do you all know why I decide to take pictures of James? I'm so afraid that I would never give birth again and at least 10, 20 years down the road, I can take out the pictures and tell myself that I had babies that look like us. Its really heart wrenching to see that James look so much like my hubby. The same deep set eyes and nose.

Do you know how it feels coming back from the hospital with no baby to nurse?
Do you know how it feels giving birth to a lifeless baby, while hearing other babies' cries from other delivery suites?
Do you know how it feels going thru 8 months of pregnancy, morning sickness and all, and after that giving birth to a dead child which even his grandparents do not wan to look at him, coz they are afraid of the heartache.

I dun think anyone of you here will truly understand how I feel right now.
I think only Mother Mary understands how I feel. Knowing that Jesus will die at a young age, but yet decide to go thru the pregnancy, raise Him as a child and after that holding his lifeless body.

I just wan to tell you all to treasure your children. Ppl like me, just wan to have a child to fill my empty arms also difficult and seems so impossible. "</font>

Miraculously, 4 months after I wrote this in my blog, I conceived with Aaron and gave birth to him successfully. God must have heard my desperate plea!
 
Some info to share:

58% of stillbirths have clotting issues relating to their loss. Late losses are aggravated by high cytokines and Natural killer cells, these factors kill placental cells comprising nutrient exchange between mother and baby. Often stillbirths are the results of a combinations of clotting and immune issues combined.
 
Hi Java
Actually what you said is also seems right. Perhaps I shld start a blog for my son whom I lost at 23 weeks too. I actually miss him v much at times, but for me I chose not to see the pics and just talk to him in my heart, cos I just scared I cant move on if I look back.

May I know how you start the blog and thru what mechanism?

Sylvia
Long time since I last hear from you. We chatted q a bit when we both lost our baby. I also knew you quit after that. Are you back to work?

For me, its been abt 9 mths and I have been trying for abt 4 mths, but nothing happen yet too. Taking a break in May/June & will start working hard in Jul. I am really looking forward to having a baby soon, if possible.
 
Dear Sylvia,

thanks for plucking up the courage to post again. I can really feel your heartache and I identify with EVERY word and emotion you're feeling - how we hate ourselves for letting our babies down (I've lost all 3 babies due to premature contractions leading to waterbag rupture and premature birth - similar to incompetent cervix), how we wish we can be 'fertile' as other women and produce offsprings one after another for our hubbies and loved ones, how we wish God can be kinder to us all. Our only desire is to be a mum - how difficult a request can that be when millions of women are being impregnated every hour, some without even the intention of keeping the baby?
sad.gif


Java, when I read the excerpt from your blog, it's as if you're writing out what's in my heart...to leave the hospital with empty arms (and a big C-section incision wound), to be holding your dead baby for that last few moments before he's taken away to the morgue while a newborn's wailing just right next door in the delivery suite, to have to suffer the nausea, daily progesterone jabs, 7 weeks of complete bed rest in hospital, 2 failed ops to stitch cervix, painful steroid jabs, countless bloodtests and medical interventions only to send your own flesh and blood to the crematorium to be consumed by fire...no words can describe the anguish we've gone through...No well-meaning in-laws, good friends, relatives, churchmates or even Pastors can even understand 10% of the pain we're feeling. People say be strong, move on, it's ok, God will bless you with another one...what if He doesn't? How long must I suffer the aches of an empty arms, coming back to an empty babies' room and living a life of broken dreams?

Anyway, curl, starting a blog is really quite easy. I use www.blogspot.com. It's very user-friendly. Just sign up for a new account and follow the instructions step-by-step. We've not updated Ashley's Blog in a while because I'll cry each time I load it (because my emotions are still so raw) but it's an example what you can do to keep the memory of our babies alive. Whether 23weeks or 25weeks or 28weeks, we conceived them and they are our children. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 
Hi Angel, Sylvia, Momoko, Curl, roiv, chloe and java,

Was going up the thread to list all the mommies and realised with quite a heavy heart that there are so many of us... Why did God have this in his plan for us? Totally do not understand. Why did we have to go through this suffering??

Angel - was reading ur post on the "no well-meaning in-laws, good friends, relatives.." sometimes i wonder truely if even our husbands feel the loss at the same level. I am sure that my hubby is devastated or rather, i know that he is but is it the same kind of emptiness that i feel? It seemed that i was robbed of my identity.what if God does not choose to bless me with another one.. so many what ifs.

I know this might sound crazy but i am determined to have another one asap. I debated with myself for so long that i know that the only way to replace this emptiness is to have another one. I write letters to Gabriel telling him to come back to mummy soon.. when he is ready.

hugs
steph
 
momoko

The hospital informed my hubby that he needed to get the stillborn cert done when i delivered my babies in week 31... Not sure about ur case, did the hospital informed u at that time? i realised that my child's name was not on the cert... dunno why... i only had the courage to look at the cert few weeks ago although the incident happened half a year back...
 
hi mummies,

we are all here to support each other.. we know what each other have gone thru.. some of us have been thru more, some of us less, but definitely the pain and hurt is there.. but with encouragement and support, we will all be able to move on..

angel,
nobody is cursed, you are not!! i was also very angry when i lost my bb cos at that time there are some unhappiness at work also..i also wanted to ask "why all the not so nice people get what they want without any hitches?" and i am here, being treating unfairly at work and even having my bb taken away... its ridiculous to ask you not to think so much..but do try to rest and have a propoer confinement to build up your body, and i think yr hb really needs you now..
 
Hi Chloe,

The hospital din tell me anything leh ... maybe coz I was less than 7 months???

anyway I'm not even surprised if they have forgot to inform me ... coz the admin at my hospital was so screwed up ... first they happily either 'FORGOT' to take or 'LOST' my baby's photo and I rem very vividly that my gynae told me she will get them to take a photo for me to keep ... then on the day I was discharged they called up my hubby to remind him to pick up my baby from the nursery and he has to repeat TWICE to them that there is no baby. I pity my hubby ... he looks like he was going to breakdown when he put down the phone.
sad.gif


Fantastic service!! Thanks to them I will never find out how my baby looks like ... I din have the courage to take a last look at him then but now when I have the courage I'm left with nothing.
 
momoko

oh dear, the hospital sure screwed up! That's very bad and insensitive of them!

With regards to the stillborn cert, i dun think they forget cos i think it has got some legal implications?? not sure... if u are emotionally ready to probe further, perhaps can find out from the hospital?
 
Never give up .... **Frog Story**
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

<font color="119911">There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.</font>

<font color="ff0000">A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say.</font>

<font color="0000ff">Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words....it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.</font>

<font color="aa00aa">Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another. Be special to others.</font>
 
halo Curl and ladies,
yes, it has been quite long. Actually i have been reading and not contributing all these while. I have stopped TTCing already cos just changed job. I think u understand, being a victim of incompetent cervix ( sorry if am wrong). So i will start to ttc maybe when i am more settled down in my new job. Probably 6 months later.Sigh..our condition is such that we can only focus on one thing, agree? Imagine having to go for cerclage at week 14 then bedrest till full term? Our pregnancies sure disrupts our life. But of course we cant give up, just gotta lay out plans and follow systematically.

You ttcing for four months already?maybe u can email me and we can discuss pointers?

my email addy is [email protected]
 
Hi Curl,

sure, will email you when I am back home with yahoo account. yes, I know you quitted, didnt know you are starting new job.
 
Hi, khoo sylyia, i also have incompetent cervix and have my cerclage done around 12 wks. I do not have to bedrest till full term. I was given 3wks Mc and then back to work as normal. Every mths have to take antibotices to prevent infections. I managed to keep my pregnancy till 34wks+ and give birth to a bb ger.

My twins sister also have incompetent cervix and have her cerclage done for her two pregnancy. She managed to keep her first pregnancy till 33wks+ and for her second now she is into her 35wks. She just went to see her gynae today and everything is still fine. Will only see her gynae again next wks. She have two miscarriage before these. So do not give up.
 
Hello gals...

Sorry to interrupt. My best friend lost one of her twin at 38 weeks today. The other one is still in special care. Everyone are very shocked cos the babies were 3kg each at the last visit. I do not know what to say to them nor how to console them. My friend called me for the procedures. Can anyone tell me after the police report, then what to do?

Gotta cremate rite? What to do for the cremation? Do we need to buy clothes, toys, or anything to cremate togather?

How can I help my friend? Any advice?
 
Hi Lyn,

Am so sorry to hear about what happened to your friend. Just a quick few things that i know about how to handle stuff...

In Gabriel's case, he had an autopsy done and we had to collect him the next day. We had already decided on the casket company to use and had decided on a wake for 3 days followed by cremation. Some families do prefer to bury. Perhaps you can ask your friend for their choice. Normally the undertaker will assist the family in collecting the baby from the morgue/hospital with the family being present, followed by asking you if you want to put something in the coffin like toys, things to use. We provide a set of clothes for baby to wear, and some others of his favourite outfits, plus toys, blanket, pillow, shoes and one or two milk bottles.

The family can then decide on the cremation date and the undertaker will book the mandai place for you. Also have to decide, where you want to place the urn.. For the cremation, we had to choose some nice songs for the ceremony, order flowers to place with the baby and if the parents want to, say a few words.

Let me know if you need any more information. Can PM me if you like. I hope that what i have provided will be useful. The undertaker whom we had was pretty good and very thoughtful and he really helped us a lot.

I will be praying for your friend, the family and the babies...

hugs
stephanie
 
Lyn

i know how helpless and confused it feels to have to make so many decision abt the baby's funeral when all you want is to mourn till your baby comes back alive. I've sent you a PM. If your friend needs help, Steph and I are available. In fact, it was Steph who gave me the contact for the marble company that does Gabriel's niche at Mandai Crematorium. We are in the process of getting it done so that our babies' ashes can be permanently stored there...Please send your friend and her family our sincerest regrets. Having lost children ourselves, the mummies here grieve along with her...
 
Hi steph and angel,
Thank you very much for your advice. My friend has cremated their baby this afternoon at Mandai. I am glad that the wife went too. She had c-section. I think it will help in their emotional healing. They have decided to bury the urn in the sea. One good news is the surviving baby is out of special care now, and is breastfeeding very well. Thank you very much...
 
Dear Lyn,

No problem at all. Although it is a very sad thing to welcome someone to this particular thread, please tell your friend that when they are ready and if they want to, can come chat with us.

It is good to know that the other twin is doing well
happy.gif
Our prayers are with your friend and her family..

hugs
steph
 
The date's been set - tomorrow Wednesday, the 27th of June 2007, we'll go with extremely heavy hearts to lay our 2 babies' ashes at rest - at the Mandai Columbarium.

The marble company called this afternoon to inform us that our bbs' niche is ready (except for the photo which will take abt 6 wks)...immediately after the phonecall, tears begin to fall again...it'll be a final goodbye as we can no longer see or touch their ashes when we miss them...What will be left are only memories of their brief existence here on earth as our children.

I've made a card with our photo, and Dave's sitting right next to me writing letters to each of our angels...in our own ways, we're cherishing these last moments with our babies and still seeking some form of closure for our losses. Tomorrow at 4.30pm, we lay our beloved darlings to eternal rest and bid them our reluctant final goodbye. Only God knows how painful that'll be...
sad.gif
 
Dearest Steph

my hubby and I would like to say A BIG THANK YOU to you for your advice and support all these while, esp with regards to the post-funeral arrangements. Our babies' marble plaque was so beautifully done, in the pink marble which you used for Gabriel. Jeff from CCK Marble Co was very kind and sensitive, guiding us what to do each step. He merticulously helped us arranged the 2 porcelain urns, the teddy given by nurses from KKH and a letter written by Dave to our angels into the niche. Before he sealed it, he even told us to take some private time to say our prayers...it was then that my tears fall unbidden as we stood there as their parents, bidding them our goodbyes and promising them (like you did) that we'll visit as often as we can.

The whole process was unhurried and done respectfully. The environment as Mandai was tranquil too, with lots of greenery and sounds of cascading water in the background. We're thankful we can do this last earthly act for our babies...As the niche's still lacking the colour photo (which has been sent to Italy for processing), we'll post a pic on our blog once it's complete. Oh yes, our babies' niche is few niches away from Sabie's...we placed some fresh flowers for her when we were there y'day too. I believe all of them (Sabie, Nat, Joash, Ashley and Gabriel) are playing happily in Heaven now...
 
Hi Angel,

Am so so glad that it was beautiful!! When i was reading your post, i could feel that the afternoon was filled with calm and peace and so much feelings. We have so so much that we want to say to our children and our thoughts and words will never be enough.

Funny how my hubby and i always thought that the beautiful pink marble brightens up the whole place.. just like how our babies brought lots of joy into our lives and although they could only be with us for a short time, Gahriel, Sabie, Nat, Joash and Ashley's legacy will live on forever in all the lives which they touched. Nowadays, hubby and i take joy in our weekly visits to Gabriel.. just to tell him the things that happen and how we miss him and wondering if he made some new friends in Heaven
happy.gif
which i am sure he has, cos he has always been a "kepo" baby. In his niche, we placed some clothes, milk bottle and toys and i bet he is sharing them with your angels!

I am glad that i was able to help in a very small way.

hugs
stephanie
 
hi angel... can't wait to go to mandai together so we can pray with our babies together!! sorry i wasn't able to be with you.

steph, sabie was super kepo also, so there must be 2 little busybodies in heaven putting their noses into everyone's business now!

will be back next tuesday, let's plan to meet up ok? everyone's invited
happy.gif
 
Good morning everyone!

Am happy to meet up next week but will be on a business trip on thursday and friday so back on sat. Got any suggestions as to where we should meet?

btw, last night i finally received this book that i had ordered from the states on SIDS. the stories in there just made me teary all over again. Dont' really know if this whole reading thing is actually helping me in the grieving process but not sure if any of you feel the same way - that i just hunger for information on why we lose our babies.
 
yes, Steph, I used to search all over for answers but all in vain as mine was really a rare condition that even doctors could not explain why as it was not my 1st pregnancy and I have no history of watsoever, my 1st pregnancy was healthy..blah..blah..blah...well, in the end, I stop finding answers as it makes me even more emotional and upset.
 
Hi etsbaby..
Thanks for sharing. I think i am going through the same anguish. I think it is made worst by the fact that medical research on SIDs has yet to find anything conclusive, rather much like your case. Not sure if going through the topics and revisiting the same facts time and time again will make me feel better but i really admire those pple who can..
 
Hi Mummies, how are u guys doing?

Was sharing with Java, my encounters on my first day of work back in the office. Questions such as "Hey, U given birth ah? Why come back to work so soon?" "Who is looking after your baby when U are back?" "Baby boy or Baby girl?" I seriously am having great difficulties in answering them. Before that, I tried practicing a few times at home, staring into the mirror, anticipating all sorts of questions, but I just can't handle them in actual situation.

For those who knows what happened to me, will give me the weird look and asking me "How are you now?", "How have u been coping?" "Its ok, U are still young, time will heal all wounds" and even worst statement such as "Dun worry, try again lor, U will forget about this incident when U are in your next pregnancy"! These are all consoling words but this memory will never be forgotten. 8 months.... I have spent 8 months talking to him in my tummy, playing with him and listening to his kicks! I know they are concern but my heart just ache so badly. I rather they treat me normally and stop looking at me with those pathetic looks. I dunno when I might break down and start crying in the office which I do not wish that to happen.

Call me superstitious or what but I saw a moth at my living room on the 7 days after my Gabriel left me. At my recent trip in Phuket, I miss him terribly and express how I wish he was with us and guess what, I saw a small moth at the balcony of my hotel room. Could that be him? Only god knows...Today, 4 July, US independent day suppose to be my EDD for Angel Gabriel, I wonder what life would be for me if he's around...
 
hi roiv

BIG {{HUGS}} to you...I can FULLY understand your encounters back at work cos that's what happened to me during my 1st 2 losses too.
sad.gif
those whom you are not close to are 'nosey' and wants to find a common topic of conversation, hence their insensitivity (though not on purpose). those who are close try too hard to be helpful, to offer comfort but end up saying things which seem so flippant...I mean, how can we ever 'FORGET' about our babies whom we have carried in our wombs? and they cannot even begin to fathom 1% of the heartache, trauma and pain we went through as a result of losing our babies...
sad.gif
very soon, it'll be my turn to return to office too...I can anticipate the same things happening to me...I dun want to smile and make small talk with people, I just want to be left alone to resume my duties...

Anyway, roiv, when we lost Nathaniel in 2004, we took a break to Bali and guess what? There's a butterfly that visits us every morning, I too think that it's my baby boy visiting us. Coincidentally too, today 4th July, is Ashley's 1st month anniversary and I feel so down, wondering why all my babies had to leave us so abruptly...
 
Dear Steph

Like you, I've been surfing the Amazon website looking for books on infant deaths and premature births. Ordered abt 7 titles from Kino, and 3 already came. Of course reading them sometimes make me tear but it's also a relief in some way as information feeds our mind and try to answer the big 'WHY' question that lingers in our head. Although we usually dun get the answers we want, it keeps us occupied and gives me an outlet to have my grief affirmed (by the writers). Hope you've been keeping well. Today's Ashley's 1 month anniversary (y'day was her 1 month birthday), I've been crying but no amount of tears will bring her back to us...
 
Hi! Roiv and Angel, {{HUGS}}

I also faced that when I was back in the office then when people who dunno will ask just to satisfy their curiosity. We just have to swallow our sorrows and say we lost the baby. It takes a while before people forget about it. It does gets worst when a colleague is pregnant and you have to act as if you are ok.

When I was in my confinement at my mum's place, a moth also visited me and followed me wherever I went. Hmmm..does our angels really turn into moths to say their last goodbyes??

It's tough when it's the EDD, anniversary and birthdays cos we would think how it would be like if our angels are with us. Last month was suppose to be my EDD and might have celebrated full month now if she was around.

Roiv - how was your Phuket trip?
 
Hi Angel and Roiv,

Big big hugs hugs to you both too!! And Happy birthday to Gabriel and Ashley
happy.gif
I gave my Gabriel an ice-cream last week cos the weather was so hot, so i think he is sharing it with both of your angels.. birthday ice-cream! I now celebrate two special dates in the month.. gabriel's monthly birthday and his angel day.

Just to share on the moth.. actually after gabriel left us, during the week when we had his funeral, there was this moth that kept visiting us. One day i was asking the moth if he was gabriel and then he landed on my bed and refuse to leave
happy.gif
so i took it as a positive sign. Since then, he has been visiting my mum and auntie, once as my mum puts it, "disturbing me to go visit him" cos he kept flying around her head non-stop and only left after my mum promise to visit him! Noti isn't he?

It has been my second month back in the office already and i remember spending my first week back always in tears. Not sure how you all feel about talking about our angels with pple at work but for me, i choose to talk about them. I guess i didn't want pple to forget about my strong, handsome, smart Gabriel
happy.gif
cos i will never get over it. But i was haunted by having his pictures on my computer wallpaper and after a while, had to change it. I would be in tears everytime i see his cute face. Had to change it. But i still have his photos on my hp.

Angel - when are u returning to work?? actually i think i work near you. Both me and patsy are working in the west area.
 
Hi..

My hubby going over to visit boy boy today .. told him to remind Gabriel to celebrate ashley and gabriel's birthday.. hehe.. my gabriel sometimes can get forgetful. You know, sometimes i do think about how gabriel will be like now.. whether he would be talkative like me and playful like his daddy
happy.gif
 
Oh no! I am going crazy again!! someone brought a baby to the office to show off...cant stand it!!! and I have to act cool about it!!!
 
estbaby and Steph

I know exactly how it feels! After I lost Nat and returned to work, 3 other fellow colleagues who were pregnant with me at the same time were always gathering around, chatting abt pregnancy stuff e.g. gynae visits, baby purchases, confinement nannies, name selection etc. I became so distressed each time they talked and felt they were insensitive. However, my hubby said we can't expect the whole world to feel/share our grief and certainly the world does not stop revolving even though our babies are dead so when they start gathering, I'll move away to somewhere quiet to do my work.

It becomes really painful when they've given birth and start bringing their babies to the office to show off (or inviting others to their baby showers)! On one hand, I'm sad and jealous that their babies made it yet I feel bad for not being able to TRULY rejoice with them. How conflicting. We've to act as if we've gotten over our loss and share the happiness with them but it's such a struggle. 1 of my close friend is due late June, until now, I've not plucked up enough courage to call and check if she's delivered...
sad.gif
 
Thanks! Steph and Angel.

Dunno with my feelings still going up and down after so long (4.5mths), will I still have the courage to TTC again.
 
Hi Mummies,

Thanks for the encouragement.

No one would truly understand the pain that we went thru. As mentioned, I was quite worried and I pray that hopefully, there will be no more questions asked with regards to Gabriel, at least for today. This morning (First thing in morning), another colleague came to me, started asking me on my recent lost. Holding my hand, telling me to be brave, to build up my confidence...etc. Wow, I can't control my tears and finally broke down in office today. Then afternoon, another blow came from those innocently thought that I had delivered!! Sign.. I feel like resigning...
happy.gif


My blood test results are out, results are negative. Tml, I will be visiting my current gynae for pap smear, and will be visiting another gynae (at TMC) for consultation in the evening. I am also trying to find answers by surfing the internet for information on the reason for cord strangulation, can this be prevented? Was there something I have not done enough? I really do wish to plan for another baby but at the same time fearful, rather mixed feeling I am having now.

Etsbaby,
Phuket is a nice for relaxation. Hotel room was sea facing, catch rather good view of the sea and sunset. Didn't manage to do much shopping as my In-laws have difficulties walking long distance.
Only now then I realize that my in-laws truly cares for me, before this incident, I would find them "naggy" and too "controlling", but now, I guess I have adapted to the way they are. I felt blessed to have them with me...
happy.gif

I also went to the beach with some sweets and milk for Gabriel, hopefully the waves can help me deliver them to him
kao_babydust.gif


What about your Sunway Lagoon trip?
 
Hi! Roiv,

I also have the same mixed feelings for planning for another baby. Cos really dun understand why we can have a healthy 1st child and 2nd one is like that. But I think we are better-off as we already have 1 child at least. I had wanted a companion for my eldest son but had to disappoint him.

I also realised that in-laws cares for me. On the day when I had to take out my dead baby in my womb, my mil had tears in her eyes though she keep saying ok.

Sunway Lagoon trip was good as we just take our own sweet time getting around. I did cried on the way there, thinking that I won't make to this trip if I have given birth.
 
hi everyone.... sorry been MIA for so long. went home to Manila to attend my sisters wedding. Was a beautiful wedding but the comedy of it all is that my sister got chicken pox the day after! She's now all spotty and itchy! luckily the spots didn't come out until after the wedding!

getting over the loss of our angels has been such a journey i wish none of us had to take. but also know that God has a reason why we had to go through them. hopefully we will all be blessed with healthy beautiful babies again soon.
 
hi angel,
Dun feel bad about not calling ur fren to see if she delivered. For me, I was in seclusion for 6 months. Didn't go out in groups until 1 year later and only went out with close frens after 6 months. I only attended full month baby celebrations after I had a successful birth.

hi Ivey,
Hey I think you should start wearing shirts with a "I just lost my baby, so bug off!" On a more serious note, I'm glad ur blood tests came back negative, means ur case is purely cord strangulation. Last time my indian colleague told me that during the last trimester, one should not toss and turn too abruptly during sleep for fear the cord may entangle the baby. Also cannot raise ur arms above your head. And should not go to crowded places and drink more water and listen to relaxing music. All these are just heresay, I still think that if a baby is yours, it will be yours, no matter what you do. I get angry whenever I read about some mothers (yes, from this forum) pregnant, but still smoke and drink and they still give birth to live, healthy babies.
 
oh! Java, u know what I saw yesterday when I was heading home. I saw a pregnant woman smoking!! she obviously look like mid trimester pregnant wearing maternity clothes and puffing away. Dun understand why she want to smoke and be pregnant. If want to be pregnant, then should stop smoking, at least stop until the baby is born alive. Cant stand these mothers who dun treasure their babies and we on the other hand, take such precaution and have no health problems yet have to lose our baby for no valid reason!!!
 


Hi everyone..

writing from Hanoi.. beautiful Vietnam. Too bad not holiday but for work.

Hey, totally agree with the t-shirts idea. U know, i haven't even dared to tell my canteen lady here about what has happened so i kindof avoid having to eat there but i guess i can't hide forever right? Somemore this weekend, my cousin having her 1 month birthday celebration for her daughter and other cousin-in-law delivering at the end of this year. I am happy for them but so sad for myself and my hubby.

Nevertheless, i am hoping that i will be blessed with another child soon.. i yearn for it so much that i think sometimes i am going crazy.

anyways, anyone keen for meeting up?? Am going to be in town next week!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top