Purpose of Marriage

L

lonelyheart

New Member
Anyone has regretted marrying? Really see no purpose of marriage in today world. Seems like the same story keeps repeating every day everywhere.

Girl meets boy. Fell in love, boy promised will love girl forever, followed by marriage and birth.

Girl has to work. After work, rushes home to fetch kid, does housework, tutor kid in study.

Boy lazes around watching TV, playing computer. Leave all housework and kid to girl.

Girl feels physically and emotionally exhausted. Busy with so many things, no time to give to boy.

Boy looks outside for love/sex.

Girl found out affair. Boy claims TOW loves him more cos' girl neglected boy.

Ending?
- Boy divorces girl to be with TOW; or
- Boy stops with TOW, continues loveless marriage with girl.

Same story happens everyday everywhere. Same excuses given by boy. Boy is selfish, thinking about himself, devout of love from girl, so look outside. Girl is selfless, giving to family and kid, no time even for friends. Girl has no friends to turn to.

Girl regrets marrying but is stuck with kid. Can't re-choose life all over. Boy has a choice to divorce or stick to girl.

This story replays everyday in many parts of the world. So what's the point of marrying? Anyone of you ponder? Anyone of you have regretted marrying?
 


I think this girl is very poor thing to meet such a guy. I just want to say, not all guys are like the one you mentioned. Really depends on our luck and our foresight of people... Take care, don't be discouraged and good luck.
 
Ayana, thanks for your response to my thread.

It is not only that this girl is v poor thing, but the same story is replaying again and again every day everywhere. Can happen to anybody. Even you claim you have married a good responsible man who places family in top priority, no one can fortell the future and guarantee the man does not change. I look around me, 8 in 10 cases, such things happen and most of the time it is the man. And most of the time, the man blames it to the woman's fault in failing to keep his heart.

It is no wonder marriage rate drops and divorce rates up. And birth rate also drops. Not only in Singapore, but in many parts of the world.

If so, why bother to marry? And why bring innocent lifes into the world and then the wife is stucked as a single parent?
 
I keep pondering why men stray? What is the purpose of eating outside? If he has stopped loving the wife, why doesn't he just divorce before looking outside? Why have affairs while keeping marriage and hoping the wife does not find out? What is the meaning to live a double life and keep lying? Wouldn't it very tiring to try to keep the affair a secret from the wife? Wouldn't it be very tiring and financially straining to keep 2 families? What would the man do if he bumps into someone he knows while out with TOW? What does the married man intends to do with the wife and kids? To keep the secret forever and maintain 2 families? Has the man ever thought of his innocent kids?

What is the TOW thinking? Why not find a decent man to love and marry but get involved with married man? Why share a man with others? What future is TOW hoping with married man? If not hoping for any future with married man, why then the story always develop into TOW presurizing the married man to divorce wife and to marry her?

In essence, why break people's family?

Men are such unfathomable animal.
 
Marriage is a gamble. Like what you said, there's no guarantee that the man won't stray in the future even if he is a good husband right now. However, isn't this life? Life is made up of decisions and every decision comes with risks.

Other than the personality of the man (some men are simply more homely, responsible and committed than others), I think being very open with one another does help build up a stronger marriage. A couple who shares no or minimal secrets, let it be feelings, finances etc and makes decisions collectively e.g. larger expenditures, tend to have a stronger foundation. There are couples who have free access to each other's emails, hand phones, bank accounts. The other person basically becomes your best friend in the world.. It takes 2 hands to clap though. You can't expect to guy to tell you everything if you do not wish to divulge your own information.

How does most men stray? Money is important. Without money, which other woman would want to be with him? So if you are fully aware of his financial condition and have some control over his finances e.g. have an arrangement for both of you to set aside a specific amount of $ into a joint account every month, leaving him with not too much money left for "entertainment", it helps to avoid such temptations.
 
I think the Channel 8 9Pm drama Pillow Talk is quite an real life story. Remember when Xiang Yun said to Joanne Peh about marriage is starting a business, that day both couple sign on the marriage cert is the opening day, from then its all up to the shareholders to maintain the business and keep it going.

1-2 years of marriage: honeymoon period, hope to see each other everyday
3-4 years of marriage: new parents, new life style, new mummy start to nag why husband don't help to look after the baby
5-10 years of marriage: both only left with responsibility and commitment, topics all about the kids.
11-20 years of marraige: Don't know what will happen to both because it need efforts to carry on for both.
 
Infidelity is in the genes of most men...millions of years ago, men are already straying...they choose mates and often- this is to ensure his seeds to pass on and continue...and females stray too though the inclination is often very little compared to men, females want her offsprings to be strong and good looking etc..this is to ensure the baby survives and life cycle continues..


In the modern world we live in now, this infidelity is often made worse by factors like money and stress and also it has a lot to do with how you treat the man at home as well. If often belittled at home, the man, of course, over time will start to look for other avenues to stray..
 
Nowadays it's not only the man who will stray, even the woman will do too.
Marriage is no longer sacred to most. Divorce is so easy, just pay and sign on the dotted line.
Probably couples don't think carefully and seriously before making a life long commitment agreement.
 
Casino is a gamble, but marriage is a bigger gamble. You can never be sure of the ending. And people change. No matter how good the man is, temptations and circumstances also may force a man to change. In today's world, there are just too much temptation for man. And the forever true fact that 男人有钱就变坏。 This is a very real saying.

I am disgusted by the fact that man can treat you as treasure during courting time. But after marriage, you are just the maid and the mother of his kids. He will forget what he has promised during courting time. And he will continue his courting outside marriage, to find prettier, younger babes to boast his ego.

So why marry? It's a total waste of time and effort and end up with misery. It is better and more carefree to be single.
 
After marriage, the man continues his career advancement and fun outside. Woman continues her career but more to help bring bread to the family, and with limited advancement and no fun outside. Overseas career advancement and climbing corporate ladder are not options to the married woman, due to the need to attend to the kids, while the man advances his career and has fun outside.

With man's career advancement comes higher pay packet, and also comes the other woman.

The woman in the meantime, is stucked at home doing housework and looking after kids. No time to meet friends and over time friends will become none. She becomes 黄脸婆 and the man no longer looks at her. The man comes home lesser and lesser time. When home, he is always sleeping, on the phone, on the computer or watching TV. Never a word with the woman.

Then one day, the man wants to divorce the woman. Dump the kids to the woman to be with his sweet young thing outside. The woman is left with young kids to juggle between work, housework and kids.

The kids grow up. They have the own friends and no longer stick to mum. The woman is alone at home most of the time. Even if she wants to go out, she has no friend and she is also alone outside.

Such is the misery of married women. 女人因为嫁错，而变寂寞。可是多少女人会嫁对呢？多少女人为了家，委屈求全呢？或对他的偷吃视而不见呢？
 
Nowaday men and women stray. But men stray mostly for ego purpose, cos their women at home are no longer young, sweet, pretty / sexy. Their women at home only have time for the housework and kids, no time for the men. So they look outside for solace with other women. But they forget why the women have no time for the men. It's because the men themselves do not want to help in the housework and kids.

Most women stray because of the loneliness. By nature, women are more homely than men. They attend to everything at home to the extent of exhaustion and yet, the men do not want to chip in. The men make worse by messing up the house. Then followed by the continuous nagging by the women, which men use as excuse to eat outside.

So most women stray is driven by the men. The men neglect the women, and the women have no one to turn to. The women find solace in another men. But really, with the demands of work, housework and kids, how many women have the luxury to seek solace in another man?

So it looks like a chicken and egg things.

Marriage is a total waste of time and create heartaches. If I have a choice, I will not choose the same path.
 
It couldn't be too familiar for working mummies to juggle everything on her own and forget something that's every impt - her own self.

I have mummies friends who pamper their hb so badly that they have no time totally for themselves.

How hard is it for hb to look after the kids for 20-30mins per day to do some simple exercise/meet up friends once a week/month for a simple dinner?

How hard is it to leave the kids for the grandparents once a week while daddy n mummy go for a small dating/holiday?

Life doesn't have to be revolving ard the kids and the hb just like our grandparents generation. They will feel suffocating.

Being happy and having time for yourself is not a sin. You have the right to seek ur own happiness.

Make some changes, luv yourself more. Shoo away the negative tots, it will help to lighten up the atmoshphere at home and made ur hb see u in a different light.
 
Many women said they must doll themselves up even after marriage for the husband's sake, must cook nice food to keep the husband, must be a great lover in bed to keep the husband.

So silly! Why must it be all must be done by the woman to keep her man? How many man, after marriage, do things to keep his woman? Why must it be an added task on the heavy burden of a married working mother?

While men and women seek to be equal in today world, but there are still much inequality in expectation in marriage.
 
lonelyhearts, ya some men mabbe are just like what you describle, but not all of them are like that. The one that describle is just plain jerk and if its me, will just divorce him and get on with my life.

But hope you dun generalize all men to be the same. Mabbe you will meet one that is not like the one you encounter?

I don't think marriage is a waste of time. Sometimes it brings on heartaches and all that, but in the end, I feel that marriage provides us with a partner, a soulmate to walk together thru all life's journey, hardship and happiness.
 
hehe.. after marriage surely need to doll myself up, its not becos of the man, but I do it for myself. Vanity sake u might say. Its just part n parcel of grooming.

Cook nice food ah, jmm actually I agree. But not doing that so that to 'keep' husband, but doing it becos I willingly wanted to do it, to cook nice things for him, as part of a wifey duties.

But of cos, not everyone can cook. Some guys can even cook better than the women! hah.. Some hubbies I know cook and mop the house, cos they do it better than the women..

Lover in bed, not only he enjoys ma, u also enjoy if its good lol ...

But some men also do sweet things for his wife ma, like planning surprises, give in to wife, pacify her, buy stuff for wife, pay the bills etc etc..
 
Ayana
One time is enough. One time and I am stucked with a kid. I don't dare another gamble again. I don't want to go thru more heartpains. I also don't want a stepfather for my kid. If the biological father don't care for the kid, why would the stepfather care for the kid?

I don't deny not all men are like that, but many men are like that. Women are more rational, they will think about family and kids. Men will think more for themselves.

Lost faith in men. Lost faith in marriage.
 
Lonelyheart, to answer your question, no I do not regret marrying. My husband and I are best friends. My husband takes the mrt to work with me (even though he has direct bus that actually has shorter travelling time) daily so that we get to spend more time together. We SMS/whatsapp each other throughout the day to share interesting things we've encountered during the day and share problems that we've had at work when we return home. He shares with all the housework at home. He'll take leave to take care of me whenever I was sick, bringing me to the hospital for every medical appointment where possible. He takes good care of my parents too. Apart from working hours, we are always together with each other, bringing each other for gatherings with friends and colleagues. We have free access to each others' bank accounts, emails and hand phones I.e. we help to transfer monies, draft emails and reply smses for each other. Savings and expenses are joint and managed collectively. On special days, he'd surprise me with small little gifts like a soft toy or handmade flowers. You may think this is just the honeymoon period....but no, we've been married for more than 10+ years.

10 years after our marriage, we had our first child. When our child was a newborn, my husband would wake up in the middle of the night to take over one night feed, burping the baby and rocking her back to sleep. No matter how busy he was at work, he would always rush back to bathe the baby before bedtime and then pat her to sleep together with me before he continued to work from home. As she grew older, he would spend time to play with her, teach her things no matter how tired he was. And he continues to do all these even though I'm currently taking a temp break from work to be a SAHM. To prevent me from being too tired, he offers to sleep with the baby during the weekends at night so that i can have uninterrupted rest. He's always there for us whenever we need him. He's my pillar of strength.

Every month, we'll set aside a few days whereby we ask my parents to look after our daughter while we go out for lunch/dinner/shopping on our own to have some couple time. It's important to have some time off from children to have couple time coz sometimes the stress from handling children can drive us crazy and make us scream at our spouses.

Nobody knows what the future holds but for now, he is a good husband and good father so I have to say I certainly do not regret marrying.
 
"Many women said they must doll themselves up even after marriage for the husband's sake, must cook nice food to keep the husband"

I'm the typical huang lian po - I do not put on make up, I wear t shirts and shorts and I do not have good cooking skills too (cooking skills only slightly better than husband haha). But i'm pretty good at managing finances, tracking/paying bills etc though haha. So well, it really depends on individual men I guess.
 
I really hope you do not be too prejudice against men, don't lose faith in yourself.

My parents in law, they are ever so loving, the fil already 70+, mil 60+... They still hold hands and walk together, go shopping & marketing etc.

They do quarrel sometimes but one of them will give in. They are both sick (like with heart prob, high blood etc) but I guess they hold each other up and they are each other's pillar of strength.
 
Hi lonelyheart,

I agree with u. I was betrayed by my husband who puts the blame on me. However, I am not working and looking after my kids full-time. Yes, I regret marrying n I hv lost trust in men. I feel stupid believing my husband's words before marriage. The story you wrote is so true. Marriage needs both parties to work on but I feel men are very selfish nowadays, though there may be a few good men around. Men are not adaptable to marriage life, and they thought too little of marriage. Unless a person has been betrayed, otherwise you would not understand the emotional and mental pain a person goes through.

I am staying the marriage for the kids cos I do not hv support from my family and my husband is financially stronger than me. If I were to choose to divorce, I would not be able to support my kids. I hv thought abt this for a long time n decided to stay. Through this terribly unpleasant experience, I also saw the true colours of my family and in laws which is equally saddening.

I also feel lonely though i try not to think abt it, otherwise I'll end up crying. If I have a choice, I'll choose to be single. All this is too much for me to bear, my dream of a happy family is shattered n I feel lost sometime. I try to find something I like to do so I won't feel empty. Life still goes on whether I am happy or not. Don't dwell to much on it, it just pulls you down. As the world becomes more advanced in technology, communication just reduced to nothing but sharing on facebook, SMS or email etc. I guess this is the price to pay for being so advanced, there is less face to face communication cos there are too many "distractions" & one can be kept busy on online games, gambling, pornography etc. Marriage is a graveyard to me now. Everytime I see a new thread on women being cheated, my heart goes out to them and there is just no end to it. I feel it is a problem globally unless you live in a village where life is simpler.
 
It's nice to read some of the happy stories on marriage. However, such things will not happen to me. From young, I hv never truly receive emotional support from my own parents as I was neglected n criticized frequently. My parents also hv problems in their marriage but just stayed together for the sake of it.

Never did I thought I would suffer the same for my marriage, so I can't be positive on marriage anymore cos I thought my marriage would be different as long I made the effort, but it takes 2 hands to clap. Therefore, I suffer so much more cos my husband does not bother to make effort, no matter how hard I try to communicate til I give up. The worst is when I know the truth that my husband didn't love me as much as I love him, I know why I was suffering cos I marry the wrong man. I was being married for convenience, sex etc. My life is ruined by a selfish man n I am tied down with 2 kids.
 
It's really silly of women to dedicate wholeheartedly to the family, the husband and the kids. Men are never contended and they get bored with the same women. Even if you are not 黄脸婆, you can never compete with the sweet young things cos' age is not at your side. Even if you are blissfully married, you never know what your man do behind your back. You cannot be 24/7 with him, and those men who are homely and responsible but yet eat outside are the true players. Eat until you also cannot believe he eats outside.

Most men by nature will stray, cos they are bored with the same woman. Those who don't stray are not that they don't stray. It is because they don't have the ingredients to stray. Such includes charisma, money, ability to sweet talk/act pity, etc. Another ingredient is they have not met a stupid woman to fall for a married man. A man can claim to be busy and no time for the family. But when he wants to stray, he will find time for his other woman. This is a definte. Just like courting time. No matter how busy the man is, when he wants the woman, he will find time for the woman. But when he has gotten the woman, he will brush her aside.
 
It's silly to believe girl-boy true love in this world. The only true love in this world is mother's love towards her kids. No matter the woman is badly treated by her husband, she will not abandon her kids. But men will not hesitate to leave his wife and kids for sweet young things.

How nice if the old Chinese tradition of 泾猪笼 can still be practised. And best is once divorced, the unfaithful man will have to denouce the rights to be the kids' father and never have access to the kids. Since the man wants TOW and don't want the family and the kids, so they might as well denouce the right to be their father once divorced. Then you can do justice to the wife.
 
For now, I tell my girl, don't ever believe in man and don't ever marry. It is best to depend on ourselves than trust the man. Why let man mess up our life?
 
Retribution will fall on the man who gives up the family for TOW.

Retribution will fall on the TOW who breaks people's family.

人在做，天在看。
 
I do agree that taking care of our health , eat well, exercise well is for our own good.

There's nothing wrong to be well-groomed, constantly upgrade a new skill not for others but for ourselves.

There are also many factors to cause a r/s to break down just like prior to my ROM, my ex of 5yrs whom I luv so dearly decided to call off everything with the date set, invitation sent because of a china woman.

However we are still good friends now, even better than before. I thanks him for leaving me, if not, I wont marry my wonderful hb who's always been there for me since childhood.

There's another friend if not for her courage to leave her abusive hb who beat her and have affairs right in the home, she wont meet a nice rich man, she's a tai tai now.

Life still goes on whether there's men or not. In fact we should strive to live even better instead of relying on others for happiness.

Always take care of yourself, do well. In the event when they are so cock to fall on others, it's definitely their loss, not ours.
 
SeR,

Well said. I am striving towards this goal, it gets a bit hard as I hv developed unhealthy habits during my depression. Trying to groom myself cos i really Bo chap abt my appearance. Trying to love myself more too. Yr posting has uplifted me a lot.
 
moorspa, don't bottom things, open out your heart, talk things out n u will feel better.

To liften up your mood, u might like to try swimming, jogging of at least 30mins-1hr daily. Whenever I feel down, I will just swim for 1hr, laze ard the pool n look at the blue blue sky.
After a while, u realise that things are not really that bad. Exercise helps
happy.gif


The world do not stop revolving just because of 1 person.

There are really so many many beautiful wonderful things waiting for you to feel, see, try n experience in life n we only live once. There's simply too much to be missed.

There's an celebrity friend who packed n went backpack in Cambodia by herself after a breakoff of a longterm r/s with a Taiwan celebrity.
She returned with new goals in life.

Time heal everything n do not ever give up.
 
Whenever I am depressed, I would have a good cry and finish off a box of kleenex, listen to very sad songs, watch sad movies, go out for a midnight spin driving aimlessly, drink.
After a week max, snap out of it and wake myself up and tell myself to live better than anyone else.
 
I would love to do what Alexandra has mentioned, it would definitely help to release lots of stress. However, being the main care giver of 2 young kids, I do not hv the freedom to do that. Without help n support from my family, I am expected to face all these difficulties by myself. Therefore, I take so much longer to recover from my depression, although I still hv mood swings once in a while.

My ex colleague who is working and in a similar situation is better off than me, she had support from family and friends. She recovered quickly. I really envied those ladies who had great emotional support from their families. It's the opposite for me, I am being poured on with criticism n sarcasm from my family. It just opened my wound further.
 
Exercise helps a lot.

If a swim is not possible, why not just do some jumping jacks at home to a song? Wouldn't take more than a min but works wonders for the mood and body! :)

Take heart, k? Don't be discouraged. Jia You!!
 
moorspa, u say u are so dependent on him and can't leaves him. If one day he forced to u to accept the 3rd party or he decide to divorce u. Do u think u still have a choice?
 
Moorspa, u still staying with ur hb? Let him take care of the kids for a while so u can take a breather at times.

Both parents are responsible to care for them n it's not the sole responsibility of mum only.

My gal friends n I will arrange to chill occasionally while our hb look after the kids.
 
Janey,

Betrayal doesn't mean men has affairs. There is sex addiction too. He visited prostitutes and hv stopped visiting ever since he was found out by me 2 yrs ago. It's a long story in his addiction and I shall not talk more here. I hv written some of my story in other threads. I am dependent on him financially cos he is earning abt 5 times more than me if I were to go out n work. I hv thought abt divorce for a long time even before he betray me, however, I'll be alone w/o family support. Furthermore, he is not a man of words.

When I mentioned divorce, he said he will pay me alimony n support the kids. How can i trust his words when he had told me he woud never betray me in the past? Maybe some of u would think I am a coward not divorcing him, but I need to survive esp when i hv 2 kids. If I divorce him, I am giving him e ticket to freedom to look for other woman n he would not feel committed to me n the kids. He is now into his rubix cube hobby and online business, n I do check on him once in a while. I am even more sensitive to any changes in him. The only thing is he doesn't do anything to mend the marriage n I had to accept that. He just wants to be a provider, then so be it. After this incident, I learnt men stray when they hv more cash to spare. I helped him to pay for my kids n my Chinese medicine bill for yrs, cos he is paying for a lots of things in the hse. Now I do not pay if it's for the kids n I use more of the supp credit card he gave me.

We are staying in the marriage for the kids cos he loves them. I am emotionally disconnected from him and it has been a long struggle for me to realize a lot of things. Compare to 2 yrs ago, I am calmer now. Without kids, things would hv been much easier for me. I would definitely divorce. For him, he has no intention to divorce me cos he is too lazy to take action, just like he chose to marry me out of convenience n ruin my life. For that besides the betrayal, it's something I cannot forgive him when he didn't really love me at all. I just happened to be there. I remember I read a similar story in other threads. Now I know men do marry out of convenience which is a sad thing for women.

I hv made my stand on him cheating on me, n I would divorce him immedidately, shld there be a second time. I hv been researching on divorce n learning from this forum. I am not as naive as before, n i hv also prepared myself for the worst. At least, I would not crumble like I did 2 yrs ago n lose my sanity.
 
Ser,

I hv tried going out for a few hours but I become more stressed coming back to a messy home. Sometimes, I get my husband to bring the kids out, while i hv some time to myself at home. I am also trying to spend some time with myself whenever my kids are at school, even if it's only 20-30min. It does helps a bit but I still want to spend more time with myself. I hv given myself too little time n too much to my kids worrying over them.

Thanks to you n nelle's suggestions. I really appreciate that. I can only brisk walk as I hv ankle and leg sprain( still treating it).
 
Lonelyheart, my take is that out of 10 married men, 7 to 8 of them will stray at some point in their marriage. Alot of women are so blissfully unaware of what their husbands are doing behind their back that they still think that their men are excellent husbands and fathers. Most are indeed responsible husbands and fathers, but simply succumb to temptations.

If you have husbands who need to frequently travel for work, esp to countries like china, vietnam, better be very careful.

My opinion is that it is very important for women to be financially independent, and never depend on your husb to support you. Never give up job/career for the sake of kids. With financial independence comes confidence and self-esteem. Never let others put you down or convince you that you're unattractive and useless. Walk out of the marriage if it's just making you so miserable, love yourself more as you have only one life.
 
I think ladies whether single attached or married should allocate sometime for yourself alone, or with friends. It's mentally healthy and great!
I used to be coop at home and tv is my best friend. But now I go out as abpnd when I want. Party or coffee or whatever.
I think I am more happy now.
 
Sad to hear so many sad stories here. At some point of time I do wanted to give up. At 1 point I find my husband do not bother about me and simply switch off and live in his own world. He is been too aloof that I sense he might stray outside. After a while, you will find very tiring to check his SMS and stuff so right now I just focus on my kids. I had a difficult mil and to counter my husband aloofness n mil is too much for me to take, I might end up depression. So take 1 thing at a time ladies to sort things out. If he strays, too bad. Most men couldn't think with their head, usually the smaller head leads them : ) if you think you already tried your best for the family, do not blame yourself.
 
Scatterbrain,

Yes, I find it tiring to check husband's sms and hv stopped after a few weeks since the day I found out he was cheating on me. It made me more stressed. My husband is not cheating on me now but he is not salvaging the marriage either. He says he'll be a provider, it took me a long time to get over this fact. I hv been depressed due to his neglect during my 2 pregnancies prior his cheating. It took me a long time to recover and I am glad that I am still alive. There are times when I feel really down but I learnt not to let it affect me for too long. Til now, I am still struggling to be happy but it is so much better than before. I am looked down by my parents and I am not consoled by my family. I learnt that I am my own best friend, and I need to stay strong for my kids. However, I am still emotional n I cry easily when I watched dramas esp when the women are cheated by their husbands. It's an invisible scar that will never heal but life still goes on.
 
Moorspa, betrayal is hard to accept but you must always remember that he is the 1 who broke the vows and I always believe in retribution. Heaven is watching.
Be nice to yourself and ignore those people whom put you down.
 
Yes, ignore those who put you down. Don't let them drain you, k?

Stay positive with positive influences. We must live well! Jia You, everybody!!! :))
 
moorspa, there r many ways to be happy and 1 way is to pick up new hobbies.

I find it very therapeutic to be at beach so even if my hb not joining, I will bring my parents and my gal to the beach every weekend.

There was once that I picked up kite flying so I will fly Changi/Pasir Ris beach for tt during weekend.
 
Moorspa, money is also your best friend now. Since he earns 5x more than u do, u should save the allowances to safeguard yourself.
Maybe he wouldn divorce you now For convenience sake because your kids are still young and needed yr care. But if both of your are gonna continue the marriage in this manner and only for the sake of kids, it's just a matter of time that he will take action when he met a woman who changes his mind. Make sure u save enough for any unforeseen events that is gonna happen in future. I have friends who lost their husband and didn't manage to receive a single cents
 
Chapa Chic,

I agree with you. What you wrote are exactly my thoughts. I told myself I will not be a fool again, I will make full use of this opportunity to get back what I deserve since I don't hv his love. Money will never betray me and it can help me to survive in this urban society. To me, survival is key. I stay in this marriage for survival and my kids,if I were to raise them alone, I don't think I can there for them emotionally cos I would be trying to make ends meet. I hv been thinking abt divorce for a very long time but it would not work for my kids and it would be selfish of me to let them suffer with me. They love their dad, and he is staying for them too. At least, it is peaceful now unlike before.

My kids deserve better and that is the best I can do for them. I hv accepted this meaningless marriage, so it just makes it easier for me to move on. I hv done enough self pitying, and I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, even though the bad memories linger.
 
In a marriage, both parties need to put in the effort to make things work and communication is very important. A friend of mine told me that she and her hubby will put aside a little bit of their time each day to talk about their problems. This is like 10 to 15 mins each day. By communicating, both parties will understand each other problem and get to know other better. I feel that this is good as you don't bottle up your feelings and problems at one time and blame each other when one of the party did something wrong.
 
Sometime it is you want to talk, but the other party has nothing to talk. So how? If they don't want to talk, you can't force them to talk in order to improve commuication. Many men are like that. They can talk the sky with you before marriage, but after marriage, they talk much lesser. Before marriage, they are forced to talk to get the woman. After marriage? Trophy won, no more effort needed. Worse, most choose to talk to other women instead, to look for another trophy, to boast their self-ego that they are still able to win trophies. But they stupidily fail to realise that it is that they have won other trophies with money. They idiotically think that TOW geniunely love them.

Men mostly are plain lazy. They think when they marry & have kids already, their job is done. And they think they are the only one having hard time at work. So when they come back, it is their own "me" time. They watch TV, play computer games, sleep and laze around. Do whatever except lifting a finger to help at home. They forget their wife also has to work, also need "me" time. But what happen to most wife is work never stops. Work to help in family income, come back home, there is more work. Housework, kid's welfare & study, etc.

Wife should pamper ourselves, doll up and go out shopping, meet friends, etc? Who doesn't know this? In general, women like doll up or look pretty/presentable and also wants to continue to keep in contact with their friends. But how to do so when you have loads of housework to do and kids to attend to? How to do so when the husband does not lift a finger to help and when you have no one else to turn to for help? If your husband and the kids' father does not want to help, who do you expect to get help from? Even there is external help eg from the parents, you can't expect them to always chip in to help. They should have their own time to relax as well. Why burden them when it's time for them to enjoy their retirement?

A lot of things are easier said than done. A lot of comment such as you should do this, you should do that, but what about the many obstacles preventing you from doing what should be done?

If everything goes as you expect it to be ideal and everybody can do what should rightfully be done, there would not be so many breakdown in marriage. Eg the man should not have affairs - the man knows he should not, but somehow a lot of men still have affairs and cause breakdown in marriage. So why they did not do what they should have done, ie not have affairs? Things are really not so simple in life. Which is why I think better not to get married, unless you can be so sure both you and your spouse can do what should be done and not do what should not be done. Marriage is a total waste of time, leading to more waste of time and hassle in the divorce process and suffering to the innocent kids who can't choose their parents.
 


I have colleagues who can't spend even 1-2hr after work to have dinner when their hb can spend hours n hours entertainment everyday.

If there's no caregiver, I just bring my gal along with me, no big deal May it be shopping, house gatherings, makan sessions, a haircut session or even to my work place.

Just like when I m living in overseas now, the mummies here even bring our kids, babies to ktv, facial/hair cut/makan/workout session while juggling with the housework n online business.

There was once that we even organise a meeting to the pub with the mummies n the kids.

Even when our hb are busy at work, we can still find our own programmes with the kids.

The couples here especially those with kids are all blissfully married for at least 10years and above.

Kids n household doesn't belong only to the mother but both husband n wife play a part in it as well.

Instead of "nagging", praise them for whatever they did like "Dear, u really did a great job in washing dishes" or "Dear, I have a dinner with my friend, can u come home earlier to take care of the kids?" n if they did, praise and thank him. Buy supper for him etc.

I have mummies friends who kept lamenting that their hb couldn't do this, that, don't know how to look after kids and when the hb help out, they will just brush them down saying they don't know how to do this and that.

By doing n handling everything like a superwoman, this will build up frustration n resentment as well, in the end generate more naggings n unhappiness at home.

Some hb even refused to return home and have affairs outside.

Just to share a quite similar topic from Singapore Brides, there are fair share of replies from the daddies too. It's good to see things from guys' views as well.

http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1879796.html?1335193043
 
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