Place to 'complain' about your other half

Helpless mum,

I didn't say that you are always right if you hv read my posting carefully. I already mentioned his husband is terribly wrong in what he does now. Yr first priority is to protect yrself and then you can protect yr kids. Yr kids are the victims now. Without seeking counselor's help and let things be, I can only see more destruction for you and yr kids. If you know yr husband well, you shld know that you need to start planning without him knowing.

That is how you work out a plan against an enemy. You must not be an open book to him, you can pretend to be a victim while having your own plans to protecting yrself since he is not a simple person. When you are up against a cunning person, you shld act as normal while having yr own plans. That is the way to escape from his clutches. Maybe I hv watched too much movies, but from what I see in yr situation, you need to be careful so as not to agitate him or you would be hurt physically. Do seek advice from counselor or seek free legal advice on how to deal with yr husband. When you armed yrself with knowledge, you will not be under his mercy for long. I hope you can get out of this situation and also not let history repeat itself in your life and in yr kids. I can see it is a vicious cycle from yr parents after reading yr posting. Be strong and start to work out a plan. Seek help asap. If you believe there is a god, pray everyday for a solution and I hope the solution would come to you soon. God bless you. Btw, I am not a Christian but I believe there is a god watching over everybody as long you are willing to open up to him.
 


Helpless mum,

U gotta do something pls!
Help yrself and your children!
Agree with moorspa, it's a vicious cycle. Think abt your mum, if you don't wish history to repeat itself, then do something!
Only you can help yourself and your children.
 
I still consider that PPO how it work? will lead us to sad ending may be kids will not follow me he said they suffer cos i cant affort to raise them .. and i'll get emotion / physically attack if not listen

how to control and stop the history repeat again ..i coudn't predict what happen for the future (lost)
 
That's why you need to seek advice from counselor at the family service centre, they are in a better position to help you as you are not the only one in an abusive marriage in Singapore. Their charges are cheap and affordable compared to a private counselor. Seek advice from them, then can you make a wise decision from there. No one can predict the future, it is better than doing nothing and let things worsen.

The scenario is if you let yr kids grow up in an abusive environment and letting them witness how their father abuse you(the mother) verbally or physically, they will be just like him when they grow up. The vicious cycle continues when yr son marry a woman who has a similar character as you, the abuse goes on unless the wife divorce him and raise the kids herself(if they hv any). The negativity in you and yr husband will influence yr children in their growing years, and becomes their character. I hv experienced it myself through my own parents, I learnt from self realization by reading up books and internet. To unlearn all the negativity that is inculcated in the growing years is the most difficult and requires daily effort. Nothing is easy, it is how you try to find solutions without giving up when things become tough.
 
Hugs to allthestong mummies here.

I've being following this thread silently n admire ur strength.

Like most wives, I trusted my hb too. Despite him telling me he needs to work into late nites, not accompanying me to c gyne for 90% of my 3 pregs. thinking he's working hard for the family.

He argued that his life is too hectic n needed a break alone, hence he flow off on the mth beforeI'm abt to deliver after I quarrel big time with him when he decided to fly off my on delivery mth. History repeat on my third preg and I confronted him if he has an affair..

He declined n I'm stupid take his words. Just 3 mths after my 3rd is born, he stay out whole nite on his bday wkn.... Telling me he's out with his staff n he din feels theres a need to call or SMS me.. That blow the relationship. I chase him out of the house. Well his whole family kind of know the situation n my fil n sil came to counsel me back into the relationship.

Yes, now he's back in the house, yes it's bcos of my kids. Like most of u, I stop trusting him.

Like moorspa, I cut him off from my emotion totally, however, we still go out together with the kids cos I feel as that as he n i r still married, kids' welfare r my priority.

I'm still at the mist of sorting out my tots, I preparing myself mentally to walk out of the marriage, without my kids cos, I'm not financially sound to hv them n neither will he let me. Till then, I told myself I've to strong each day

Mummies, I might b heartless to my kids, he has taught me never to stay in a relationship bcos of the kids cos, u will never b happy. U deserve to hv a happy life.

I believe my kids would rather c a separated but happy mummy, to a stay together n a sobbing n angry or unhappy mummy.
 
I had lost my confident .., seek many help already

incl family service centre. yes, they help growing kids but not relationship (not much help) ..

really dunno what he next move, may be last minute he want sell the flat ..my CPF not much $ but still paying every month (i'm SPR)
PPO lead us to separation

I'm worry he last minutes .., his father very scary when he cursing, cant believe it" (sad) he know his son going destroy me by using violent if i not escape (he rather destroyed himself instead spend rest of life with me) never think of kids

surrender kids / flat, he said i'm destroyer and he will not listen / love me anymore..,really (discouraged)

trying best way not to fight until court case
 
Helpless mum,

I hv called up the family service centre in hougang before, and they do counseling for marriage. Maybe u shld call up other branches. Some of them hv their own websites. You can seek free legal advice, u can check with AWARE. You are still paying for the flat, so yr husband can't sell the flat as n when he likes w/o yr consent. Do look up for all the info in the Internet . Hdb has a lot of info on their web. Look up all the relevant info that u need on the Internet to educate yrself n not believe in their empty threats.

I feel you re not doing or trying hard enough to do the homework to empower yrself with all the info w regards to housing, divorce n custody etc. Instead of using the time to worry, why not use it to gather all the info n start to plan for yrself? Good luck.
 
hi ladies..have been a silent reader n I'm really inspired by moorspa's comments..it's very motivating not only to the other ladies but also to me...

my hub have recently betrayed my trust in him although he denied nothing was going on between them except watching anime alone in the living room at 11+ pm with the main door internally locked (house installed with digital code lock)

i'm slowly trying to pick myself up and moorspa's comments r really inspiring...

helpless mum...pls do not feel inferior or have no confidence in yourself...u like all the other ladies r strong n can survive this ordeal...we have each other for support...as long as u r confident n positive, ur kids will feel it...

moorspa u mentioned u called up the family service centre in hougang area...u stay ard the vicinity?
 
Helpless mum,

Seems like your fil is equally as bad as yr hb huh? Yr hb probably picked up his bad character from his dad! And now yr children is being exposed to the same kind of upbringing.
They cannot threaten or use violence against you. We have the woman's charter to protect us.
For your children's sake, its time to stand up and be strong.

Salute to all you ladies here who hang on to a marriage for the sake of yr kids. It's more difficult than dropping everything and leave. I chose the latter.
 
Helpless mum,

J55 has pointed out the vicious cycle started from yr father in law, and that is all yr husband has ever learnt in his life to control and threaten etc. Yr kids are already influenced, it is the start of another vicious cycle. Parents need to set gd examples, so that a child can grow up mentally, emotionally healthy. I am not lucky either, but the vicious cycle ends with me. It takes a lot of effort to change, but if you tell yrself you can't do it then u can't.

Fmdgoh,

Stay strong and you can weather through this obstacle. It is always hard initially, but you can overcome it with a positive attitude. I stay in Sengkang. I called up AWARE and they refer 2 Family Service centres to me. The one in hougang is run by a church association. They were very nice and even called up to check on me when I didn't arrange for a 2nd appt after a few mths. I didn't go back cos I am busy with the kids and managed to figure things out by myself . From my experience, it is hard to get affordable and good counseling help in Singapore. The govt set limits on helping pple by using income range. I am disappointed with it, it is better to gather info n educate yrself. I survived on self help websites, n I always look for answers for my self enquiring mind.

Private counseling is terribly expensive in Singapore. There is no guarantee that a counselor can help you solve problems, pple hv the wrong impression that if u go for counseling, things will improve. It all depends on how gd e counselor is n some luck to meet a gd one. Some make it worse as I hv sought help from other mummies in the forum before, n one of them warn me abt meeting an insensitive counselor. Basically, I still need to solve the problem myself cos other mummies in the same boat hv their own problems to solve too. When it comes to problem of the mind or heart, the treatment is much more expensive to a treatment of a cold or fever. It is complicated and takes a very long time to heal.
 
Tweety.... she is a hi and bye friend. You are magnanimous. I would've written her off as any sort of friend a long time ago. She hurt you so much. Anyway, things are already difficult and complicated with your hubby with the betrayal, his landing you in debts, and losing the house. Be careful about letting her lies and poisonous words get into the mix in your deliberations about staying or leaving the relationship. Will you be taking your lawyer's advice?

Helpless Mum, I am trying to put together the picture from your postings, not sure if its correct. You are leaning towards not separating/ don't want a divorce. Husband has a gf. Does he, and does the gf intend to go on like that - she as his gf while he is married to you? She accepts, and will continue to accept this situation?

Your kids or your son have picked up the violent behaviour. Are they violent towards you? Who else have they displayed violence towards? Have a mind, that if they hit others, the victims may or may not be as tolerant and as forgiving. Some victims will actually take action, which will have consequences.

I don't understand why he says that you are a family destroyer... ??

SOS Singapore Hotline: 1800- 221 4444 (24-Hour)
http://www.samaritans.org.sg/

AWARE Helpline: 1800- 774 5935 (Mon - Fri 3pm to 9:30pm)
http://www.aware.org.sg/support-services/frequently-asked-questions/
 
MFF, yeah hard to believe this rite but how to write her off since there will be always chances for her to find us. Anyway i can see slight improvement in my hubby since he finally woke up to see so much damages that he did to us. I reminded him time to time that whatever he wants to do outside, then pls let me know n we can halt the marriage all for me to retain my sanity. but sadly i did not really open up to him regarding how i feel after all this. I think i might have lost feelings abt 70% for him and i believe he also might have 30-50% feelings for me too. after all it was only two months ago that he ended everything with her(that was what he claimed so there is always doubts in every word he claimed or said so). i normally try to forgive n forget but will try to stay away from such kind of ppl like her as i know she has no sense of decency. very deceiful typical. BUT still i admit it is really hard for me to forget the betrayal and that she tried to sweet talk my hubby into patching back with her after she told him to break off once. dun undstd why she can have several masks and yet heart is so black.
 
Hi Tweetz, I'd go like, "Oh hello? Do I know you? Oh yes of course, you are only the one who tried to wreck my marriage." That woman needs professional help, she is so deluded, and compulsive about breaking up families, and obsessed with having affairs with married men. But,its not our role to help her. We have problems of our own to handle.

Yeah, I understand about the difficulties trying to trust again, and I am not sure that it would be wise to trust my hb 100% either. He's been the model husband lately. But I wonder if its due to his guilty conscience and he still has things he is hiding from me. From what I can see, he has totally cut contact with her, but I am cynical if that is really the case. How to trust someone who has been so untrue?

I love him tho, and I want this marriage. So I am putting into practice what a teacher said to us in school soooo many years ago. We will encounter people whom we do not like, or who hurt us, and we have a hard time loving them or being nice to them. Its normal to feel negatively, but if we want this to change, we can start by changing our behaviour towards them, and let our "feelings" catch up with our actions in due course. She said its not about being hypocritical. But making a real effort to love the person despite how we feel. S
 
moorspa, you are strong and confident

i dunno how build confident and to be strong when small time get bully by step mother / at sch at work not as bad as in this family

i told him stop the vicious cycle and dun always leave me alone take them away will even more hurt kids will not listen or respect me anymore

i trying my best to save this marriage he trying to destroy with his family may be because of $ we quarrel many time already

so tired .., if he and his family dont love me anymore difficult to move on and i'll discouraged to walk out..,cant take any privilege as a mother someone may take over me in the future (i think of my girl will same like me)

i'm bcome destroyer if he follow me cos i cant get along his family member ..he stucked in btw also sigh
 
Helpless mum,

I was never strong n confident. It is through many obstacles in life that I grew strength slowly. As mentioned before, I never had an easy life nor was I happy as a child. Seeking free legal advice is for yr knowledge so that you won't be threatened easily. When u hv the knowledge, nobody can scare or threaten you. It doesn't mean you need to take action after seeking legal advice.

I hv educated myself on divorce, what happens to hdb flat if I divorce etc. At least, I would not be at a loss shld the occasion arise. I like to be prepared so I know what to expect. I hate to be at a loss, not knowing what to do cos I hv been through that. I hate being at the mercy of others. My life experience in my family, work n marriage has taught me a lot of things.

Sorry to be a wet blanket, pple hardly change n you just hv to live with yr husband for the way he is for the rest of yr life. The concern is more on yr kids n the influence you n yr husband has on them. If you intend to stay in the marriage, then you need to hv an agreement w yr husband to be gd parents n set gd examples for them. He must also abide by the marriage vows. Most importantly, there must be respect between the two of you n no third party is allowed cos yr son will grow up thinking that it is ok to meet other women when he is married, if they witness their father is with other women. Gd luck to you.
 
Hi ladies,

I have been thru and survived a my hb affair....it was nv easy and it took me years to finally let it go. Man after the admit to the affair and wanted the marriage will be extreme nice. But we the victim go thru emotion roller coaster and after awhile some men might lost their patient and will nt be as nice.

But I think the best way for u ladies is to be financially stable. There is some flexible work that can allow u time to take care of ur kids while earn $$ de.
 
moorspa,

you are rights, agreed what you said. He no more respect,trust in this marriage and third party get involve

really, i dun hv enough time to do all the prepation for the time being as told before i'm working just start few month not stable how fight? lose end when get both attacked from him and his family as i guess they might b plan for quite long to againts me after we have kids.

he started protect he own welfare and challenge seek for legal help and another hand he start relationship with another women. b very good father at home when he get angry he wait until kids sleep he attacked and quetion me cos i have no rights to get angry at home must listen /obey (he show his anger everytime) and i cannot late home or else he take them away to his parent place or irratated me by action (maid can overwrite)

i'm sick and tired to think of him but focus on kids

this new year his family gathering he want take them away again

no manners ..call me 'Ooi' infront of kids then my boy call me when late home he also asking directly 'Ooi where u go?'

he/his parent think that i not qualify as a mother of them
 
btw, he trying take advantage of me esp $

i coudn't affort anymore if i keep pay more than him in family household everything so costly

some expenses come from another women idea. no respect show !
 
Helpless mum,

You need to be positive, I can only advise but the rest is up to you. You keep thinking that you will lose, preparation can take as long as mths. You just do what you can. I realize many women are taken for granted n lost respect from their husband, cos they contribute too much financially. You need to draw boundaries n be firm. Yr PM is not activated, pls PM me.
 
Happy new year to all mummy. Those who are brave enough to pursue your happiness and those brave enough to hang on to children happiness.
 
the saddest thing i came to knoe during the recent CNY was that i received a SMS from my close friend that the woman whom was with my hubby peviously, went on to wreck another friend's marriage too. this another friend is my close friend's close friend. and she committed suicide but survived the ordeal. Thanks be to the God that she is all right but very depressed now. this woman is so evil.
 
GONG XI FA CAI!!!

祝你们,青春永足.

I am wondering what is the root of all these evil? Is it because we are too kind? Or this is bad fate?

Do you all believe in fate? I think I do, and no matter what I do, I will never change fate. Only thing is try to "look open" and accept that my life is like that, but look to other means to make myself happy and survive this life.
 
I believe in fate too! But I believe alot things is still within our control.

Anyway, I am in anti aging and slimming industry, if any of you want to look better, juz PM me. ;-)
 
diana - Man after the admit to the affair and wanted the marriage will be extreme nice. But we the victim go thru emotion roller coaster and after awhile some men might lost their patient and will nt be as nice."

totally agree with u...coz my hb reacted exactly the same way....
 
Hi mummies
Just want to ask how are all of you. I have been so down for the past months so didnt log in. I had thought of extreme, v extreme silly, sucidal. Silly indeed. I have never felt loved and find myself pityful to be in again a not lousy partner. I have also start to say nasty words to my children which made me hate myself so much.
How are all of you?
 
I am glad that some of us has like become friends and i hope this tread can help all of us to share and help. I do see our moorspa is doing that well
 
Diana
Thank you for offering a listening ear. I like to think alot, dying is the easy way for the dead but not a solution for the living which i care most, my children and my parents. So i will think of it but will not do it.
 
The greatest triumphs can rise from the most devastating defeats. When all is lost, there is everything to gain. Never, ever can you be so far down that you're unable to pull yourself back up. There is always a way to transform loss into victory. Rejoice in the good fortune of having made it through a bad experience and then set to work to turn it around. Not only can it be done, when you do it you'll be creating a triumph of the greatest proportions. Challenge yourself to be a turnaround specialist in your own life, in your own world. Look for challenging situations and pull the positive possibilities out of them. There are opportunities everywhere. From the mundane to the momentous, every difficulty is ripe with positive possibilities. Life is filled with energy and far too much of it is negatively directed. Make it your job to redirect the enormous amount of energy around you into positive pursuits, and the people around you will marvel at what you accomplish.

Hope what I’ve posted will encourage all the strong ladies.

If you ladies need counselling and with financial constraint click on the link that I came across and recommended it to a friend when she was depressed. She went and said not bad. Check it out.

http://www.eguide.sg/ads/free-counselling-services-pre-marriage-counselling-course/
 
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