Obsessed with grandchildren

[towkayneo]

...... I'll prefer to let my hubby handle mil. Cos i dun think mil hears anything the dil says.

The problem with some hubbies is...they turn into mice when they see their own mommies - they don't dare to tell them the problem cos they are afraid that 1. they might be hurt 2. they are old liao, say already also no use, dont disrupt harmony 3. my wife keeps kicking up a big fuss. i just humor her

well, the MIL heard what the DIL said, not the message, but how rude the DIL is

 

[Mum_gx]

My boy also made a mess
My mil black face but she says nothing to my hub
Only say me when he not ard

 

[Mum_gx]

The problem with some hubbies is...they turn into mice when they see their own mommies - they don't dare to tell them the problem cos they are afraid that 1. they might be hurt 2. they are old liao, say already also no use, dont disrupt harmony 3. my wife keeps kicking up a big fuss. i just humor her

well, the MIL heard what the DIL said, not the message, but how rude the DIL is

How true
Lol

 

[towkayneo]

My boy also made a mess
My mil black face but she says nothing to my hub
Only say me when he not ard

This type of MIL is also very sneaky. She portrays a very "perfect and kind and perhaps easygoing" mother in front of your man, then tells you off / criticizes you behind his back.

When you complain to your man, she will act innocent and in turn accuse you of accusing her.

 

[Mum_gx]

This type of MIL is also very sneaky. She portrays a very "perfect and kind and perhaps easygoing" mother in front of your man, then tells you off / criticizes you behind his back.

When you complain to your man, she will act innocent and in turn accuse you of accusing her.

U r right!!!
She has the perfect mother/grandmother image in front of the rest. The victim look
But in front of me, she got the bitchy image

 

[towkayneo]

U r right!!!
She has the perfect mother/grandmother image in front of the rest. The victim look
But in front of me, she got the bitchy image

This type very sneaky and political one...you just cannot fight against her. Even if you film it down, your man will still defend her.

 

[karoosel]

My mil tried to counter my decision to have a ligation after my current pregnancy. I told her hubby and i can't afford anymore kids. In my head i wanted to tell her to "mind her own ovaries"

 

[towkayneo]

My mil tried to counter my decision to have a ligation after my current pregnancy. I told her hubby and i can't afford anymore kids. In my head i wanted to tell her to "mind her own ovaries"

Hahaha...good one! Ask her if she wants to support in terms of dollars and cents or not

 

[Mum_gx]

This type very sneaky and political one...you just cannot fight against her. Even if you film it down, your man will still defend her.

U r rite
Super political n sneaky
Even when my hub knows it, he can't do much.
Is so bad that I m thinking of separation
So tired.... N my hub won't protect me

 

[karoosel]

U r rite
Super political n sneaky
Even when my hub knows it, he can't do much.
Is so bad that I m thinking of separation
So tired.... N my hub won't protect me

Is it possible to have some distance from her? Like maybe limit the contact?

 

[Mum_gx]

Is it possible to have some distance from her? Like maybe limit the contact?

We stay same block
N my hub refuse to move

She is very good at manipulate ppl ard her

 

[karoosel]

We stay same block
N my hub refuse to move

She is very good at manipulate ppl ard her

Ohh my.. I hope you can still salvage your relationship with your hubby. With a manipulative mil like that, it could that she is doing it on purpose to push you out..

 

[Mum_gx]

Ohh my.. I hope you can still salvage your relationship with your hubby. With a manipulative mil like that, it could that she is doing it on purpose to push you out..

She has successfully brainwash my hub to hate my family
We r gg thr consuelling
But wif her ard, it is hard

 

[karoosel]

She has successfully brainwash my hub to hate my family
We r gg thr consuelling
But wif her ard, it is hard

Maximise the counselling, unload the burden you've been carrying and maybe the counsellor/psychiatrist/mediator can help bridge this to your hubby for him to understand. If it doesn't work, at least you know for yourself that you didn't leave a stone unturned..

 

[bbabyblue]

My mil always like to use nonfactual or things she heard from her friends and brainwash my husband. For me, I will do my analysis using facts and statistics and talk sense to him, and eventually turn the table around.
Most mil always like to assume, at the end of the day is making an ass between u me.

 

[karoosel]

My mil always like to use nonfactual or things she heard from her friends and brainwash my husband. For me, I will do my analysis using facts and statistics and talk sense to him, and eventually turn the table around.
Most mil always like to assume, at the end of the day is making an ass between u me.

My mil has this habit of ASSuming too. Instead of asking to clarify, she assumes and goes right ahead believing her assumption is correct :|

 

[towkayneo]

sometimes, not that i am trying to be evil, but have you thought that all problems will be solved if they...*AHEM*

 

[bbabyblue]

Hmm... not sure whether all problems would solve if the old folks are xXxX. Was thinking maybe another new problems will arise..
Like our pil's siblings, every yr meet once or twice. Will mummies out there still continue to keep up with the gathering? Or even your husband's siblings, who you don't see eye to eye with, will u want to keep in touch with them?

 

[karoosel]

Having to deal with inlaws is part of being married. Seeing then once or twice a year doesn't seem as bad as having to live with them under one roof. If i had to do things all over again, i would probably decline to live in my pil's place. It's too stressful

 

[tensilestrain]

My mil is just like that of Mum_gx, political and sneaky. She doesn't need to brainwash her son. He is brought up by her so he is definitely siding her.

For my case, I don't think the problems would end with my mil. I still need to deal with the unmarried sibling who is fully supported by her siblings.

Quite a few years back, i saw a talk show in China. This man who was the voice of Donald Duck admitted that his mum had treated his wife unfairly. When she was alive, she asked her son to watch tv with her and chased the dil to bedroom. He didn't stand up for his wife. After his mother passed away, the son when being interviewed, thanked his wife for being tolerant.

I do not need that kind of thanks. Looking back at how i was being treated, not worth being tolerant.

 

[bbabyblue]

If mil has been all men surrounding her, she feels like a queen. Able to manipulate people around her, but she forgets that dil aren't her own daughter. We don't follow her rules and orders.
@tensilestrain I understand the feeling having to manage the unmarried sibling. Old folks will always use 苦肉计，say ' your sibling got no kids to take care when she/he is old. So you n your kids still have to keep in touch, etc...'
Just like my mil's trophy, the wife choose not to have kids n yet want my kids to b close to them. The trophy's wife don't like children in the first place but always like to act sweet to my kids in front of my pil.
When my mil tries to talk to her on kids, etc...she changes topics immediately or in switch off mode look at HP.

 

[karoosel]

Question, do mils normally dote more on their trophy child's kids? Anyone have experience on this?

..im looking for a ray of hope that someday my mil will loosen up a bit on my kid when trophy son finally has a child of his own..

 

[bbabyblue]

My conclusion is Trophy is the best, has meet all mil's expectations so she will assume that trophy's child will be the best as well. From the same production line, product won't go far off anywhere.
My fren always say pil will always dote their first grandchild, no matter what.
I'm also want to see how trophy n his wife will manage my mil IF they have their own kids..

 

[Mum_gx]

If u tolerated n at the end ur man appreciate you is better than he thinks u shld do it

 

[towkayneo]

Hmm... not sure whether all problems would solve if the old folks are xXxX. Was thinking maybe another new problems will arise..
Like our pil's siblings, every yr meet once or twice. Will mummies out there still continue to keep up with the gathering? Or even your husband's siblings, who you don't see eye to eye with, will u want to keep in touch with them?

Actually if i were you, i wouldn't even be bothered cos the relations is so watered down - PIL's siblings are some grand aunt and grand uncle.
Hubby's siblings, if can cut down then cut down. actually, usually once the BRIDGE (PILs) *ahem*, usually the links will be broken.

 

[towkayneo]

Question, do mils normally dote more on their trophy child's kids? Anyone have experience on this?

..im looking for a ray of hope that someday my mil will loosen up a bit on my kid when trophy son finally has a child of his own..

Babe, usually once they dote on a certain kid (yes, known as trophy kid), they will dote ALL his descendants, including his own kids, grandkids etc...big small eye all the way.

 

[towkayneo]

My fren always say pil will always dote their first grandchild, no matter what.

Yes, they will dote even more if the 1st grandkid (same surname) happens to be a BOY - 长子嫡孙. If it happens to be that of a different surname, it may be a different ballgame.

 

[bbabyblue]

Actually if i were you, i wouldn't even be bothered cos the relations is so watered down - PIL's siblings are some grand aunt and grand uncle.
Hubby's siblings, if can cut down then cut down. actually, usually once the BRIDGE (PILs) *ahem*, usually the links will be broken.

Yup, if the old folks xXxX likely the contact will decrease n eventually die off from those extended. There aren't even common topics to talk with them n their kids.
Don't think my husband will totally cut off contact with siblings as they come from the same factory. The bonding will still be there. maybe before the old xXxX they will want their kids to swear they will still keep in touch no matter what happen. My mil always emphasize to my husband that let my kids be close to her trophy. N said must make me n her trophy's wife talk. Trophy's wife behavior is childish, what's there to talk when there isn't common topics. 话不投机半句多。

 

[towkayneo]

I think to bond or not takes 2 hands to clap - even if your hub wants to link up with them after the old folks xxxx but the siblings are not keen, eventually, the meetings will die off, regardless they swore or not.

It's so sians to talk to somebody whom you cannot really click. Like myself, my sis-in-law (hub's younger bro's wife) is so damn quiet, it's very tiring to keep churning conversational topics. Nowadays I just keep quiet. If she wants, she talks to me; else let us all keep quiet.

 

[bbabyblue]

Even with the old folks around, sibling also hardly meet for meals cos timing difficult to meet.
Last time before have kids meal time is after 8pm, with kids they still want to do it late. If not, the places they choose is not kid's friendly.
Don't understand why some pple are so inconsiderable, always think about themselves. Want to eat good food, but venue/ food/ time are not kid's friendly.
Mine is a very smooth talker, like to apple polish the old folks esp my mil. But if strike conversation with her nothing good come out from her mouth.
When my gal is born she has a good weight of 3.1kg. She commented my gal is small compare to her colleague who also gave birth. Said the colleague's baby who is boy is big just like both the parents who are big size...
If nothing good come out from her mouth, I rather she just shutup.

 

[dolly_81]

I suffered depression from my inlaaws because they r always nervous over small little things. I have 2 boys. One of my kid is very naughty. No matter how we try to teach him, he is always using the crying method to get me. Because when he was young, my in laws would dashed in to my room with the kid slightest cry. I was so stressed I had to put him to my breast 90% of the time. My boobs suffered extreme teeth bites n cut my nipples deeply. I nursed him for 5 years but bear the cuts till he is much older n I stopped my nursing. My eldest was nursed for 3 years. So total 8 years of persistent breastfeeding. If not my in laws will give me a black face hearing the kid cry. i m planning to have another daughter as I have two boys. But I miscarriage twice... I cried every night even now, I will still cry when I think of it. Having difficult kid is tough but I wanted a girl so much. My hubby parents loved the grandchildren so much that I felt my teachings have been overide. I just hope having a girl could balance the situation tension at home. I feel so unwelcomed at home because my husband is the only son. I don't even eat with them. I can only eat after my kids ate and in laws ate. Feeling sad a home is not exactly home at all... :.(

 

[tensilestrain]

@tensilestrain I understand the feeling having to manage the unmarried sibling. Old folks will always use 苦肉计，say ' your sibling got no kids to take care when she/he is old. So you n your kids still have to keep in touch, etc...'
Just like my mil's trophy, the wife choose not to have kids n yet want my kids to b close to them. The trophy's wife don't like children in the first place but always like to act sweet to my kids in front of my pil.
When my mil tries to talk to her on kids, etc...she changes topics immediately or in switch off mode look at HP.

Bbabyblue, how i wish my mil is so upfront and tell me that. My own sis and bro are not married and they will never have their own children too. That is why mil is so sneaky abt getting her unmarried daughter to have 1 to 1 bonding cum brainwashing time with my sons.

Mil will call almost every night and specifically says she wants to talk to my sons since my elder son was abt 1 yr old. She doesn't care if they respond to her. She will just continuously talk nonstop and keeps saying they didn't greet ah mah, asks them to greet ah mah etc.

 

[bbabyblue]

@dolly_81 hugs...*pat on shoulder. Must be hard for you to face this alone, but didn't your husband standby you to support you through these? Miscarriage, unreasonable pil.
@tensilestrain, my mil didn't tell me directly but tell my husband n he tells me.
Just curious, does the unmarried sil likes kids in the first place. If yes, then ask her to go and adopt kids from orphanage.
My fil is similar to your mil, just that he will always msg n how is my daughter only n forget the other one. Always asking for her latest update n photos when everybody is in singapore??? Who the hell will be so free to send update every min to him we're not paparazzi

 

[towkayneo]

I suffered depression from my inlaaws because they r always nervous over small little things. I have 2 boys. One of my kid is very naughty. No matter how we try to teach him, he is always using the crying method to get me. Because when he was young, my in laws would dashed in to my room with the kid slightest cry. I was so stressed I had to put him to my breast 90% of the time. My boobs suffered extreme teeth bites n cut my nipples deeply. I nursed him for 5 years but bear the cuts till he is much older n I stopped my nursing. My eldest was nursed for 3 years. So total 8 years of persistent breastfeeding. If not my in laws will give me a black face hearing the kid cry. i m planning to have another daughter as I have two boys. But I miscarriage twice... I cried every night even now, I will still cry when I think of it. Having difficult kid is tough but I wanted a girl so much. My hubby parents loved the grandchildren so much that I felt my teachings have been overide. I just hope having a girl could balance the situation tension at home. I feel so unwelcomed at home because my husband is the only son. I don't even eat with them. I can only eat after my kids ate and in laws ate. Feeling sad a home is not exactly home at all... :.(

Hey dolly, stay strong...is your hubby aware of your current situation?

 

[xiaokeai]

I really feel that my 9 yrs of marriage is nothing but shit. After all e effort I put in, my mil calls me a prostitute, says that I sleep ard, etc. I really wonder what sort of dil is perfect to her.

Now, my bro in law got this Thai gal working in Thai disco pregnant. Knew her in May-Jun 15, now already 3mths preggy. N the whole family seems to be very happy abt it. Posting on fb.

I really wonder. M I worse than a Thai whore? N what's going to happen to my kids. I dun wan this type of woman to share their utensils or even touch them. Who knows how many man she has outside?

I apologise for my language if it offends anyone.

 

[Mum_gx]

Bbabyblue, how i wish my mil is so upfront and tell me that. My own sis and bro are not married and they will never have their own children too. That is why mil is so sneaky abt getting her unmarried daughter to have 1 to 1 bonding cum brainwashing time with my sons.

Mil will call almost every night and specifically says she wants to talk to my sons since my elder son was abt 1 yr old. She doesn't care if they respond to her. She will just continuously talk nonstop and keeps saying they didn't greet ah mah, asks them to greet ah mah etc.

Actually, it doesn't have to b unmarried.

My hub's maternal granny ( my mil's mum) made the two boys promised to take care of her son who is their uncle in his old age. Reason being she felt that her three granddaughters ( uncle's daughters) will b unfilial.
Now they have to give money to the uncle otherwise he can't survive.

 

[dolly_81]

@dolly_81 hugs...*pat on shoulder. Must be hard for you to face this alone, but didn't your husband standby you to support you through these? Miscarriage, unreasonable pil.
@tensilestrain, my mil didn't tell me directly but tell my husband n he tells me.
Just curious, does the unmarried sil likes kids in the first place. If yes, then ask her to go and adopt kids from orphanage.
My fil is similar to your mil, just that he will always msg n how is my daughter only n forget the other one. Always asking for her latest update n photos when everybody is in singapore??? Who the hell will be so free to send update every min to him we're not paparazzi

My hubby did comfort me. But he is not at home most of the time as he travels a lot for work. I live in the same roof as my in laws. He is the only son n I asked to move out and stay near a few times. He won't want...

 

[dolly_81]

Hey dolly, stay strong...is your hubby aware of your current situation?

He knows I had depression but he can't do anything. I try to keep my spirits up by reading. I can handle my own depression. Just the in laws attitude towards me is unbearable. I have difficult youngest. He is too demanding to handle n when I m stern n strict with him, they jumped into the scene, if not they will throw attitude at me.

 

[karoosel]

He knows I had depression but he can't do anything. I try to keep my spirits up by reading. I can handle my own depression. Just the in laws attitude towards me is unbearable. I have difficult youngest. He is too demanding to handle n when I m stern n strict with him, they jumped into the scene, if not they will throw attitude at me.

I feel you, dolly_81. My first few months from giving birth was like that and now it still happens a few times a week. Baby cry, mil rushes in to quack quack but cant save the day. Her quacking never helped coz just made me and hubby tensed, therefore baby became tensed which results in more crying.

PIL rushing in doesn't help.

I spoke to her when i calmed down (read: i didnt feel like screaming anymore) and explained as respectfully as i could how the baby needs a calm environment. Whenever the toddler screams and she comes to "save the day", i look at her and calmly tell her that "mama, i can manage her. Pls don't worry". I look at her straight until she moves away.

Now she refrains from rushing in but can hear her quacking from a distance. Funny and annoying at the same time.

 

[bbabyblue]

My hubby did comfort me. But he is not at home most of the time as he travels a lot for work. I live in the same roof as my in laws. He is the only son n I asked to move out and stay near a few times. He won't want...

Are your boys attending CC? If not, just place the 2 kids at CC, then old folks won't have much control of the kids. If you're not working, can look for part time job, avoid staying in the house to see your pil.

 

[bbabyblue]

I really feel that my 9 yrs of marriage is nothing but shit. After all e effort I put in, my mil calls me a prostitute, says that I sleep ard, etc. I really wonder what sort of dil is perfect to her.

Now, my bro in law got this Thai gal working in Thai disco pregnant. Knew her in May-Jun 15, now already 3mths preggy. N the whole family seems to be very happy abt it. Posting on fb.

I really wonder. M I worse than a Thai whore? N what's going to happen to my kids. I dun wan this type of woman to share their utensils or even touch them. Who knows how many man she has outside?

I apologise for my language if it offends anyone.

If the Thai gal comes n stay in the house, you can just sit down n c how the Thai gal n your mil have conflict. Diff culture, language, etc... sure will quarrel.
Hopefully by then your mil will know what a good dil u have been to her.

 

[dolly_81]

I feel you, dolly_81. My first few months from giving birth was like that and now it still happens a few times a week. Baby cry, mil rushes in to quack quack but cant save the day. Her quacking never helped coz just made me and hubby tensed, therefore baby became tensed which results in more crying.

PIL rushing in doesn't help.

I spoke to her when i calmed down (read: i didnt feel like screaming anymore) and explained as respectfully as i could how the baby needs a calm environment. Whenever the toddler screams and she comes to "save the day", i look at her and calmly tell her that "mama, i can manage her. Pls don't worry". I look at her straight until she moves away.

Now she refrains from rushing in but can hear her quacking from a distance. Funny and annoying at the same time.

When I told them nicely everything is in control, they will grumble at the background and slam door this n that... Very pressured environment.

 

[dolly_81]

Are your boys attending CC? If not, just place the 2 kids at CC, then old folks won't have much control of the kids. If you're not working, can look for part time job, avoid staying in the house to see your pil.

I have already started working 5 years back. Kids already in primary one n two. But the stress level and expectations are so high. Sigh.

 

[dolly_81]

If the Thai gal comes n stay in the house, you can just sit down n c how the Thai gal n your mil have conflict. Diff culture, language, etc... sure will quarrel.
Hopefully by then your mil will know what a good dil u have been to her.

You tried your best... In laws will always be inlaws

 

[karoosel]

When I told them nicely everything is in control, they will grumble at the background and slam door this n that... Very pressured environment.

I get this too! All the time! I choose to ignore to keep my sanity and to maintain calm environment for my screaming toddler. Im 100% sure mil can't help.

In all my life i have never been passive aggressive to anyone.. Until i started to live in my pil's house. This place is toxic to me as a person and we badly need to move out.

 

[bbabyblue]

Slaming door is a childish way. If I were u, I will use this opportunity to teach my kids infront of my pil. Tell my kids it's wrong to slam at things, the things never hurt you. If you slam and the things spoilt you have to replace it, then its consider wasting money. Make the old folks look paiseh infront of their grandchildren.

 

[Mum_gx]

I get this too! All the time! I choose to ignore to keep my sanity and to maintain calm environment for my screaming toddler. Im 100% sure mil can't help.

In all my life i have never been passive aggressive to anyone.. Until i started to live in my pil's house. This place is toxic to me as a person and we badly need to move out.

I like your last paragraph abt passive aggressive.
I have been doing that too n I hate it. Coz I m peace loving n I hate agression. But I have no choice.

 

[karoosel]

I like your last paragraph abt passive aggressive.
I have been doing that too n I hate it. Coz I m peace loving n I hate agression. But I have no choice.

She brings our the worst in me. Doesn't matter which way i go, she has to choose the opposite. Stress everyday. Now this haze is causing more stress because it makes us stay indoors and the means I have to endure her all the effin day long >:|

 

[xiaokeai]

bbbyblue: Im filing for divorce now. So, not in that house anymore.

Now I have another worry. My neighbours are telling me that my boy are showing withdrawal symptoms and none of the family members seem to be doing anyting about it. Hes become aggressive and violent. Keeps shouting. Ex has not allowed me to see him since April. He even reported to family court that my boy has mental illness now because of me. And that he was forced to stop my boy from schooling because of me.

I really dont know how i can help my son. Just because they stay landed and are loaded, they can do anything they want? Feeling helpless and hopeless..haizz..

 

[karoosel]

bbbyblue: Im filing for divorce now. So, not in that house anymore.

Now I have another worry. My neighbours are telling me that my boy are showing withdrawal symptoms and none of the family members seem to be doing anyting about it. Hes become aggressive and violent. Keeps shouting. Ex has not allowed me to see him since April. He even reported to family court that my boy has mental illness now because of me. And that he was forced to stop my boy from schooling because of me.

I really dont know how i can help my son. Just because they stay landed and are loaded, they can do anything they want? Feeling helpless and hopeless..haizz..

There's still hope. Fight for your right as the mother in court. The family court will decide what's best for the children. Do not give up.