husband & ttc....at my wits end

[memy]

Hi ladies, i just need to vent some & get some perspective on this matter as im really at my wits end with hb by now
we are not really young, got married for around 3+ yrs by now, started to seriously ttc (with bbt temperature, conceive plus etc) last 2 years. We did the basic blood test and everything seems fine.
In the 2nd year, talked to hb to go for sperm test (after consult gynae) but he refused, saying he is all fine. So i proceed to go for tcm alone to "tiao" my body cos i tot its maybe my body is not strong etc. Hb refused to go as well as he said he doesn't believe it, n do not like to take the herbs or any supplements at all.
On end of 2nd year, ttc still no result so i begged him to go for a test as i've been thru several fertility blood tests n everything is fine. He relented but put up a really black face after that The result was bordeline sperm count, 15 million only. He insist it is not low, so i again assumed its partly my issue. Went to take hsg (eventho i was scared) n it was fine as well.
After that 3mths of ttc which is supposed to be the good time as the tubes are cleared ( i think) but there is nada result again. Very disappointed, i pleaded hb to go for 2nd test again, turn out the count this time is even much lower, n the specialist says that the only way is thru ivf ics I was soo disappointed
It was a really tough journey. By now is already 3 years, and only last few mths hb started to take the supplements i bought. I have to bring it to him everytime, else he won't take it himself.
I asked him, do u really wan a child? His answer "Yes, if able to have, if not is ok too" Then i tell him to be serious about it cos we are no longer young, and i will be in high risk pregnancy by now if i got preg He said ok fine.
I've done so many things. Overhaul his diet cos he likes to eat rubbish food ie preserved or canned meat/ bacon/ chips etc. He said as his mum always prepare these food for him since young, these food are ok! I have to restrict his coffee from 1-2 cups per day, to once every few days, but i can only watch if im around. I pleaded with him to sleep early instead of 3-4 am every nite. He promised to change but now recently he went back to his old ways again.
I have to take n put the supplements on his table everyday else he won't take them (tried b4). The last straw was sleeping at 4am again yterd nite (i happen to notice when i woke up to go to the bathroom). Im just sooo tired n disappointed n frustrated. I've been doing all i can for myself n also for him so that we do not have to go down the ivf route which is expensive n not guaranteed to success.
When i talk to him nicely, he will agree n promise, but he will go back to his old ways n then pull a black face if i comment on it. After 2 +long years, im very tired. It seems like im the only one doing all the work. He doesn't even want to research or find out solutions to our prob, jus leave everything to me, but once i've done all the work n tell him, he doesn't really trust me.
I have always wanted kids, n now he put me at high risk alrdy. I was sleepless yterd nite n cried, thinking how could he do this to me, not care for my feelings or welfare. Im thinking is this all worth it for a man who doesn't seem to care or want this as much as me? He said he wants but i don't see the effort!!
Is it time to call it a day? i think im getting depressed

 

[yuiyui]

Hi ladies, i just need to vent some & get some perspective on this matter as im really at my wits end with hb by now
we are not really young, got married for around 3+ yrs by now, started to seriously ttc (with bbt temperature, conceive plus etc) last 2 years. We did the basic blood test and everything seems fine.
In the 2nd year, talked to hb to go for sperm test (after consult gynae) but he refused, saying he is all fine. So i proceed to go for tcm alone to "tiao" my body cos i tot its maybe my body is not strong etc. Hb refused to go as well as he said he doesn't believe it, n do not like to take the herbs or any supplements at all.
On end of 2nd year, ttc still no result so i begged him to go for a test as i've been thru several fertility blood tests n everything is fine. He relented but put up a really black face after that The result was bordeline sperm count, 15 million only. He insist it is not low, so i again assumed its partly my issue. Went to take hsg (eventho i was scared) n it was fine as well.
After that 3mths of ttc which is supposed to be the good time as the tubes are cleared ( i think) but there is nada result again. Very disappointed, i pleaded hb to go for 2nd test again, turn out the count this time is even much lower, n the specialist says that the only way is thru ivf ics I was soo disappointed
It was a really tough journey. By now is already 3 years, and only last few mths hb started to take the supplements i bought. I have to bring it to him everytime, else he won't take it himself.
I asked him, do u really wan a child? His answer "Yes, if able to have, if not is ok too" Then i tell him to be serious about it cos we are no longer young, and i will be in high risk pregnancy by now if i got preg He said ok fine.
I've done so many things. Overhaul his diet cos he likes to eat rubbish food ie preserved or canned meat/ bacon/ chips etc. He said as his mum always prepare these food for him since young, these food are ok! I have to restrict his coffee from 1-2 cups per day, to once every few days, but i can only watch if im around. I pleaded with him to sleep early instead of 3-4 am every nite. He promised to change but now recently he went back to his old ways again.
I have to take n put the supplements on his table everyday else he won't take them (tried b4). The last straw was sleeping at 4am again yterd nite (i happen to notice when i woke up to go to the bathroom). Im just sooo tired n disappointed n frustrated. I've been doing all i can for myself n also for him so that we do not have to go down the ivf route which is expensive n not guaranteed to success.
When i talk to him nicely, he will agree n promise, but he will go back to his old ways n then pull a black face if i comment on it. After 2 +long years, im very tired. It seems like im the only one doing all the work. He doesn't even want to research or find out solutions to our prob, jus leave everything to me, but once i've done all the work n tell him, he doesn't really trust me.
I have always wanted kids, n now he put me at high risk alrdy. I was sleepless yterd nite n cried, thinking how could he do this to me, not care for my feelings or welfare. Im thinking is this all worth it for a man who doesn't seem to care or want this as much as me? He said he wants but i don't see the effort!!
Is it time to call it a day? i think im getting depressed

sound same siutation as mine. his mum cook luncheon meat, fried food. i changed his diet too. I just bring the supplements to him and eat everyday. he also nvr do much research just having normal life daily. some guys are like that. Don't be angry. it will make u more stress

 

[Daledale]

Take it easy. They cannot change lifestyle overnight. Try yr best will do.

 

[HappyGoh23]

Sorry to say, but based on what you’ve stated I think he may not be ready and perhaps his not so keen after all. And if u do conceive and give birth, most of the duties of caring for the child would probably only be handled by you. Because having a kid is no joke and lots of lifestyle changes needed. Think you’ll need to sit down and try to talk things out amicably exactly what is it that each of you want in life.

 

[colormebeautiful]

Try to feed him with more zinc food! I think able to increase sperm count!

 

[Zcshop]

Hi memy, i can understand where you r coming from. Same here, I started ttc 2 years ago. It was only recently that we did the tests (my hub did the semen analysis n i did the hsg).

My hub's mentality is a little like that of your hub's. However, my hub told me that he wishes for a child. I think he said if don't have also nvm because he doesn't want the both of us to b stressed out by this ttc issue.

How I "convinced" him to do the test was that I actually set a timeline for us. I told him if we still havent succeed by 6 mths from now, then we go do the tests. So when time was up, he did it willingly.

I wish the best for u! Hope that god will bless us with a healthy bb soon.

 

[tiggerpooh]

I guess most guys r like dat...

DH was also like... we tried 4 quite a few yrs... n cos of his attitude, it took a while b4 he agreed 2 go 4 IUI, n later IVF...

We finally conceived DD naturally... Just 4 your info, DH also has low sperm count, but i guess it's cos our attitude was really.. "if it happens, it happens"... we were both relaxed.

U may wanna get your DH 2 try oysters...

 

[Alishablond]

only last few mths hb started to take the supplements i bought. I have to bring it to him everytime, else he won't take it himself.

same here. My hubby pretends that he does not see vitamins on the table and hopes that I will not notice if he does not take it. So everytime I bring the pills and put it in his mouth.

Men can't accept the fact that they sperm isn't good and they can't make wife preg. That's why they do everything opposite way to show "I don't care, I don't believe you/doctor, im a Man my sperm can't be bad".

 

[colormebeautiful]

Suggest go on a holiday... Destress n relax is the key + a good diet.

 

[blur_blur_gal]

i think both of u really need to sit down and discuss what both of you really want.
even if you have a baby, if he is not prepared or not serious to have one, the baby might be the one who suffers in the end since he might not want to help or shower cares towards baby.
having a kid really will make your lifestyle totally changed.

 

[memy]

sound same siutation as mine. his mum cook luncheon meat, fried food. i changed his diet too. I just bring the supplements to him and eat everyday. he also nvr do much research just having normal life daily. some guys are like that. Don't be angry. it will make u more stress

Hi yuiyui, im jus disappointed, tired, n stressed out.... it has caused me to get angry at him nowadys at even little things...

 

[memy]

I guess most guys r like dat...

DH was also like... we tried 4 quite a few yrs... n cos of his attitude, it took a while b4 he agreed 2 go 4 IUI, n later IVF...

We finally conceived DD naturally... Just 4 your info, DH also has low sperm count, but i guess it's cos our attitude was really.. "if it happens, it happens"... we were both relaxed.

U may wanna get your DH 2 try oysters...

Hi, may i know about how much was ur DH count? and did u get him on other supplements, exercise, cut out coffee? I guess i jus wan to do it properly since i don't have much time... i jus don't understand y he don't make it a priority

 

[memy]

Take it easy. They cannot change lifestyle overnight. Try yr best will do.

Thanks for ur encouragement. The worst feeling is trying my best, but feeling he is only putting half effort when we've had several 'talks' about it alrdy..

 

[yuiyui]

Hi yuiyui, im jus disappointed, tired, n stressed out.... it has caused me to get angry at him nowadys at even little things...

hi @meme no choice we need to take care of them by bringing them to tcm with us, bring supplements to him. In a way, we will be less angry

 

[sunflower307]

i think both of u really need to sit down and discuss what both of you really want.
even if you have a baby, if he is not prepared or not serious to have one, the baby might be the one who suffers in the end since he might not want to help or shower cares towards baby.
having a kid really will make your lifestyle totally changed.

I agreed with you.

@meme, i was like you, i was so fixated on getting pregnant but my hub is very relaxed. I can't even convince him to see the doc to analysis his sperm count and see TCM. I did get pregnant after seeing the TCM but my pregnancy was not viable and the same thing happen twice for me. after my 2nd miscarriage, we really ditch all the TTCing aside as i am so sad and tired...
I think my hub wake up after my 2nd miscarriage, we started exercising, going for short trips and stuff but still not TCM or doc for him as he said we managed to get pregnant naturally. haha

I manage to identify my pregnancy issues and was able to deliver my child successful but life wasn't rosy. It was after my girl was born that i realise my hub is not a hands on person with infant... He is scared of them! I nearly wanna divorce him in the 1st 6 months of parenthood. We iron out our issues again after becoming parents and he is really better dealing with older babies.
I am having my #2 and this round... i have no expectation of him taking care of my newborn, not sure if he can really handle my #1 anot haha. but i am at peace with myself so... i think i can pull it thru without feeling very pekcek (I HOPE)

I feel men don't changed from our nagging, they only change when they wake up themselves... I know its frustrating for us but the way to feel better is that u just do without expecting him to change.... whether he do it anot, u just have to let it go...

As much as I think most ttc ladies don't like hearing this... sometimes we need to give ourselves a breathing space and just not think about having a child. Go do things that you like or go on a trip to rekindle your sparks with your hub.

I know its hard.... Jia you..

 

[tiggerpooh]

Hi, may i know about how much was ur DH count? and did u get him on other supplements, exercise, cut out coffee? I guess i jus wan to do it properly since i don't have much time... i jus don't understand y he don't make it a priority

Cant remember his count but it wasnt gd according 2 our gynea... No supplements, exercise or cut in coffee...

I guess, it was cos both of us were relaxed n wasnt really thinking of getting pregnant... Just enjoying ourselves...

As I have mentioned b4... most times it's cos we r looking @ d end result dat we want... so y dont we take a step back... simply enjoy d process.

 

[Lilin04]

Same here Memy...I went TCM on my own initially thinking it may be my issue...So disappointed and cried everytime I see red..We tried about 1+yr before we go for some tests and turn out his result isnt so good as expected..We set a timeline and I also took sometime to persuade him to go for test.. And same thing I bought supplements for both of us and I have to keep reminding him or bring him water+pills even though he can see me eating the supplements....on top of that, he is a smoker..When finally I stop nagging at him, his friend wife got pregnant by seeing TCM then he told me he want to try TCM too...We are still trying now though...Sometimes I feel friends around guys make some difference too, esp they see their friends talking about their kids..
Memy, dont be too disappointed..Do what u like to do, but close one eye on him..We really cant control everything..Our mind will be so busy with our own stuff and theirs...

 

[sweetpaine]

How are you feeling now memy? When reading through your story - I thought - oh my Gosh , it’s not just my hubby alone who’s like that ? It’s not just me who went through all that ?! Every single situation - same !!!

I hope sharing my situation n how I learnt from it helps you. Here’s my story . We started very next month after married. Got pregnant quite easily the first 2 times but didn’t succeed to bring through. N weirdly after that 2 times of Mc ; it was nothing for whole 3 years. 36 months ; 3 years , until my boss then - saw my ups n downs / pms / hormone change while in office (small team); he sent me on a US trip on my own for work . My hubby refused to come ; so perfect - it turned out - best holiday ever in my life - I let go - live life - totally give up the thought of being a parent coz I thought we were not meant to be; came back, a happy , stress free person , let go entirely . We booked one our last staycation in a small hotel ; a mini holiday - watch movie , eat hawker... think of more holidays to go ... viola - I conceived that weekend itself . Our very very final try. So pls try - let it go ; don’t stress and staycation .

After my Son turned 1 ; we try again - we didn’t enjoy any bit at all. I was in dejavu again - he totally don’t like to do “homework” coz our Son sleeps w us ; on other hand he need to work harder for money coz he really has a Son to take care now - he delay and delay giving my Son a sibling until , he is turning 5 this year. My Son dotes on his friends sibling ... he really loves to be with younger sibling n being the elder one ; n the guilt I can’t give him that ... makes the whole TTC for second one experience ... worst ... so I m at this juncture - same exact journey as my first - but now weekends are to be with my son - not staycation with my hubby only - so never been one - n my in laws will suspect - even more stress. On first private Ivf and just tested negative ... it’s like playing the song ... it’s all coming back to me now ... by celine dion .

Sorry ... I m venting n whining in the end myself ....

 

[missjessiebabe]

I gave my hb some zinc foods such as oysters, zinc supplement, and chicken essence for men that contains "horny goat weed" can help strengthen men's sperm and increase fertility. I also drank chicken essence for pregnancy plan to nourish my egg as well. We tiaoed our body together and I got pregnancy successfully last year. I can feel you do so much effort on this, but you really need to persuade your hb to have a regular routine because this is so important to maintain good body condition. Talk to him nicely and don't give up. Jia you!

 

[memy]

How are you feeling now memy? When reading through your story - I thought - oh my Gosh , it’s not just my hubby alone who’s like that ? It’s not just me who went through all that ?! Every single situation - same !!!

I hope sharing my situation n how I learnt from it helps you. Here’s my story . We started very next month after married. Got pregnant quite easily the first 2 times but didn’t succeed to bring through. N weirdly after that 2 times of Mc ; it was nothing for whole 3 years. 36 months ; 3 years , until my boss then - saw my ups n downs / pms / hormone change while in office (small team); he sent me on a US trip on my own for work . My hubby refused to come ; so perfect - it turned out - best holiday ever in my life - I let go - live life - totally give up the thought of being a parent coz I thought we were not meant to be; came back, a happy , stress free person , let go entirely . We booked one our last staycation in a small hotel ; a mini holiday - watch movie , eat hawker... think of more holidays to go ... viola - I conceived that weekend itself . Our very very final try. So pls try - let it go ; don’t stress and staycation .

After my Son turned 1 ; we try again - we didn’t enjoy any bit at all. I was in dejavu again - he totally don’t like to do “homework” coz our Son sleeps w us ; on other hand he need to work harder for money coz he really has a Son to take care now - he delay and delay giving my Son a sibling until , he is turning 5 this year. My Son dotes on his friends sibling ... he really loves to be with younger sibling n being the elder one ; n the guilt I can’t give him that ... makes the whole TTC for second one experience ... worst ... so I m at this juncture - same exact journey as my first - but now weekends are to be with my son - not staycation with my hubby only - so never been one - n my in laws will suspect - even more stress. On first private Ivf and just tested negative ... it’s like playing the song ... it’s all coming back to me now ... by celine dion .

Sorry ... I m venting n whining in the end myself ....

Hi, thks for sharing the story. I feel better now hearing many similar stories as mine, though still hurting a little. He still sleep very late + lack of exercise and i suspect that is when his count went down sharply. I've talked to him dozens but he doesn't seem to believe.
On top of that, having some mil issues, whereby she likes to bitch /stab dils' and whenever i tell my hb, he doesn't think his mum is 'wrong' and says that im thinking too much.. i jus feel so 'unsupported' and feels like giving up
Sometimes, i jus wish some1 wud jus arrange for me to be away on a long holiday Lolxx

 

[rafiki]

Hi all,

Last year I went to Toa Payoh temple to pray at zhu sheng niang niang for a baby and took 2 red eggs from there. I managed to conceive and now baby is 1 month already. This morning I went to return 88 red eggs as a blessing to all others who are trying to conceive. Please go and collect the red eggs from there. Each couple to take 2 red eggs and eat at home. All the best and don't give up Ok?

 

[tinkyberz]

@memy and other ladies who facing DH issues when TTC, sorry to hear what you all are facing. Maybe can try to get those Vit C with Zinc Effervescent tablets for him to drink, at least it won't make them feel like taking tablets or supplements. For exercise, see can get him to go shopping or walk around the neighborhood or get him to go out to buy stuff. At least he won't feel it is strenuous. I guess just have to do it bit by bit and the indirect way if they are reluctant.

Agree with @tiggerpooh & @sweetpaine that relax will help. Don't be too stress, and enjoy the process. I understand it is not easy when you are the one doing all/most of the preparation work, while DH just taking it easy.

 

[memy]

Hi gals, thanks for all the replies & support, really appreciate it
Finally, he quit drinking coffee for the past 1 mth seeing how much im going thru this. I think coffee is also one of those major things to stop for a while or at least cut in half.
For exercise, he had no problem he goes for it every few times per week without prompting. The only thing was the supplements, late sleeping, coffee n the 'non-proactive' attitude last time . It is still a tough journey for me, but im trying to hang on a little longer, hoping for luck as we undergo treatment now.

 

[the fat cat]

All the best memy! My hb was a bit like this too but everything for him after the tests was all ok. I’m on Tcm and just failed my 2nd IUI today...but not giving up with my last try! Hope all will go well for u too!

 

[babybleep]

Thank you so much for you all to share your stories. I have faced same/similar issue with my laid back DH for past 2 years after marriage... Don't feel so alone anymore...

It's so tired sometimes, esp when it feels like the trying is not the same and sometimes so alone. Don't feel understood as time just slips away...

 

[sweetpaine]

Hi gals, thanks for all the replies & support, really appreciate it
Finally, he quit drinking coffee for the past 1 mth seeing how much im going thru this. I think coffee is also one of those major things to stop for a while or at least cut in half.
For exercise, he had no problem he goes for it every few times per week without prompting. The only thing was the supplements, late sleeping, coffee n the 'non-proactive' attitude last time . It is still a tough journey for me, but im trying to hang on a little longer, hoping for luck as we undergo treatment now.

Omg memy - we may have very similar “hubby” habits - night owl, chain coffee drinker (impossible for him to cut); he’s immune to it and worst - he likes ice coffee! The non pro-active part - I blamed him each time my efforts fail - coz I think it’s beyond words on my hubby passiveness . Guess what - all improved when we are doing Ivf overseas now - so each trip - he will accompany me - every doctor visit he took out a book n wrote notes - I wasn’t working anymore - so all payments are on him - I guess all these put him to be more attentive . Last time - all my Iui and Ivf - he’s there only when necessary and took everything for granted ; I drove myself back after an ER. N I hate it that Kkh Pharmacy n clinic are separate n distance away - imagine the walking to collect medicine also feel very down and alone.

Anyway , we are all here to perk each other up and cheer each other on ! Now, I just want the cramp to go away and I have 2 months “break” while my fertility centre cultivate the embryos and give us a report in 2 weeks time.

I am also just started work ; n took MC on my 4th day . So I can focus back at work too .

Goodnight everyone

 

[lindang33]

Hi gals, thanks for all the replies & support, really appreciate it
Finally, he quit drinking coffee for the past 1 mth seeing how much im going thru this. I think coffee is also one of those major things to stop for a while or at least cut in half.
For exercise, he had no problem he goes for it every few times per week without prompting. The only thing was the supplements, late sleeping, coffee n the 'non-proactive' attitude last time . It is still a tough journey for me, but im trying to hang on a little longer, hoping for luck as we undergo treatment now.

Hang on a little longer and good luck to u! It's great that your hubby has stopped drinking coffee. Now u have to start thinking about how to prod him on the supplements and late sleeping

Hope u have ur good news soon!

 

[memy]

Omg memy - we may have very similar “hubby” habits - night owl, chain coffee drinker (impossible for him to cut); he’s immune to it and worst - he likes ice coffee! The non pro-active part - I blamed him each time my efforts fail - coz I think it’s beyond words on my hubby passiveness . Guess what - all improved when we are doing Ivf overseas now - so each trip - he will accompany me - every doctor visit he took out a book n wrote notes - I wasn’t working anymore - so all payments are on him - I guess all these put him to be more attentive . Last time - all my Iui and Ivf - he’s there only when necessary and took everything for granted ; I drove myself back after an ER. N I hate it that Kkh Pharmacy n clinic are separate n distance away - imagine the walking to collect medicine also feel very down and alone.

Anyway , we are all here to perk each other up and cheer each other on ! Now, I just want the cramp to go away and I have 2 months “break” while my fertility centre cultivate the embryos and give us a report in 2 weeks time.

I am also just started work ; n took MC on my 4th day . So I can focus back at work too .

Goodnight everyone

Hi sweetpaine, hows the progress on your treatment?
Yes, i do think we have similar hubby 'traits" hahahaha
My hb also started to be more "pro-active" n cut out coffee when he is "forced" to pay for the expensive treatment that v are undergoing now. Im also on a "break" now to rest, recover & crossing my fingers everything goes well ...