Complains

[ash3]

I do not know if any1 of u had similar issues with your mil who stays with the other son (married with wife & kids). Almost 6 out of 10 times we go over, she will complain about how she is treated badly by them as in as "24/7 maid with low wages". After sometime, she tends to make me feel jealous about the luxury life they having at their expense.
Then i tried to tell her to stop doing for them if she feel not right, or dun complain. she stopped for awhile, then recently come back to complain. Even i turn on my hp & pretend to be busy, she will repeat it 2nd or 3rd time in pitiful way. I want to pity her, but in the end she does not want to take any action to correct anything.
The complains has in a way caused a drift between me & hb cos i initially interfered to try to get my hb to talk to his bro. It doesn't work this way.
Now, everytime i raise anything about his family, my hb gets agitated or defensive. Recently, we argued badly cos of this, jus cos i say a few things about them, not in a bad way, but factually. I am beginning to think mil is actually poisoning out r/ship indirectly.
Have i interfered too much? The old lady keep telling me bad things about the other son's family

 

[Dr. Tooth]

I am beginning to think you have been poisoning yourself too? How did you even begin to feel jealous about the luxury life they having at their expense? Are you someone easily affected by the environment? Self-contentment is self-happiness.

Since everytime you raise anything about his family, your hubby gets agitated or defensive, why not put a stop to it? Just let your mil or hubby blabbers whatever they want while you only focus your energy and attention on your own family and marriage? Worst to worst, cut your visits to mil's place?

The good thing is your mil is not staying over with you. Don't you think so?

 

[ash3]

Hi Dr Tooth, thanks for ur reply. I've been quite depressed after the argument. Yes, perhaps i am too sensitive for my own good. Initially, when she told me all her prob, i was jus trying to help her get out of that situation but end up argue with hb mostly cos he said can't do anything unless mil wants to move over with us. Mil did say will move to our place but she did not say anything after.
How did i end up being jealous of them? Good question. Over the years, her complains somehow made it into my mind often. She often says how low ($600) she is being paid to wash, cook, care their kids & has to top up for them. I pity her. She tells me Sil doesn't lift a finger, very lucky etc. Then often tell me she cooks this & that their fav food. Over time, i do see them having a very good life cos of the help frm both PIL, Fil too. Compare to we both, everything we have to fend for ourselves. She said she wan come over help us + move but did not in the end.
On top of that, Bil & Sil is the lazy & boastful kind. This add salt to the injury. U are right, probably im also not very contented with my current life.
This week was a bad working week & i do have a little personal prob meantime due to favoritism in own family. Kind of stressed out. The straw that broke the camel's back was the talk to hb about them, he starts get agitated, escalating into a major row the next day. I'm very mad at him & do not know what is the next step to take.

 

[Dr. Tooth]

ash3, all will be fine. I'm certain of that.

You probably think and behave like a man when comes to tackling the issues coming from your mil. When a woman voice out her unhappiness, all she wants is just someone to listen to her and not telling her what to do. And unknowingly, she is causing destruction and tiring the minds of those around her. As for you, you feel frustrated when you could not resolve the issues pertaining to the matters of the heart.

I read that greed is corrupting her mind. The input of $600 doesn't justify the output she has been contributing. What you heard is she was paid $600 a month and what you did not hear is some children out there don't even bring a single cent home to their parents. And assuming they raised the amount from $600 to $1600 a month, do you think she will still complain about them? I guess she don't sees herself as a mil, she sees herself as an employee.

I'm sorry to hear you have to manage not only your mil... your work and personal matters are weighing you down too. Any plans to break your usual routines like calling up your besties for a cuppa of coffee or chilling out with some desserts over this weekend or the next?

 

[ash3]

Hi Dr Tooth, thks for ur reassuring & honest reply I was feeling so bad & desperately needed to talk to some1, now
slightly better. One of my besties is out of town & not all r good listeners for these heavy stuffs. Is ok, I'm taking a breather out today.
Yes, the more Mil repeat or update similar issues, the more frustrated I grew, sometimes really bad feelings come up. The last round, she keeps telling me her prob with said arrogant lazy Sil when I'm alone, even when I tried to avoid her 2nd time. I'd rather not know if she doesn't really wan to change.
I've told hb this but he says old ppl jus like to nag, let her. I've also sound her out 1 time nicely.
But I really beh tahan her repeat complains & summore hear what good life the other side is having. Doesn't she know I will bad impression on them after hearing so much?
The $600 is including buy groceries & food, it is jus enough to cover only I think. Yes she ask for her monthly "wages" as an employee. There was 1 point when I'd rather not have to see them at all...

 

[Dr. Tooth]

Hi Dr Tooth, thks for ur reassuring & honest reply I was feeling so bad & desperately needed to talk to some1, now
slightly better. One of my besties is out of town & not all r good listeners for these heavy stuffs. Is ok, I'm taking a breather out today.
Yes, the more Mil repeat or update similar issues, the more frustrated I grew, sometimes really bad feelings come up. The last round, she keeps telling me her prob with said arrogant lazy Sil when I'm alone, even when I tried to avoid her 2nd time. I'd rather not know if she doesn't really wan to change.
I've told hb this but he says old ppl jus like to nag, let her. I've also sound her out 1 time nicely.

You can always await for her return. Always good to chill out with besties even after marriage.

I can still recall an ex colleague of mine who came over to my place a couple of weeks ago. I was timing how long he needed to keep repeating the issues faced in the new company. It was from 9pm to 2am = 5 solid hours of complaining on that night itself. Not including other months, other weeks, other hours since he first joined that company. Thanks goodness I did not have a migraine that morning before bedtime.

So hoh, it doesn't applies only to old people. It applies to anyone who wants to be old faster. Lol!

But I really beh tahan her repeat complains & summore hear what good life the other side is having. Doesn't she know I will bad impression on them after hearing so much?
The $600 is including buy groceries & food, it is jus enough to cover only I think. Yes she ask for her monthly "wages" as an employee. There was 1 point when I'd rather not have to see them at all...

She probably sees you as her fellow countrywoman who will fight alongside her and defend her in times of need from bil and sil.

On the other hand, assuming both bil and sil are well-to-do, then $600 is considered as very low. The mil will also hope to have some additional pocket money to spend on her own leisure. Maybe some shopping or lottery, etc...

Money talks are seldom fruitful. Did those children actually bring her out around town?

 

[ash3]

5 solid hours of listening to ur ex- colleague seems like torture I guess u did have some fun talking with him interspersed with other topics else how could u 'survive' that episode? Lol. If me, I'd give him alternatives solutions after listening, n cut it short at 12 midnite if he still beat around it
Mil complains to everyone who will listen, even to neighbor I bet. Cos when she 1st met my mum long ago, she pour out her complain to my shocked mum Lol.
They are doing not too bad previously, n heard even better last 2 years. Therefore heard they increased her 'wages' by ard $100 recently to now $600-650.
By what I heard/notice or see when I'm there, they seldom take her out, probably only on major occasion /festive. She also visits the doctor on her own for some health issues.
The couple put on show of being fillial children who give $ to Pill to 'spend' etc but only 'inner' people knows the truth. I may not know everything but I got a feeling the two are kind of mooching off some. N boastful they are. Could u turn a blind eye to this? I tried, even sound her off, n it did stop awhile, but then the complains recur with a vengeance recently whenever I'm alone wit her

 

[Dr. Tooth]

5 solid hours of listening to ur ex- colleague seems like torture I guess u did have some fun talking with him interspersed with other topics else how could u 'survive' that episode? Lol. If me, I'd give him alternatives solutions after listening, n cut it short at 12 midnite if he still beat around it

Allowed me to pluck some examples from the air.

Example 1:

Me: I happened to be eating and commented the food is nice.
He: Nowadays I don't eat so much and have no appetite. You know... my line of work don't have proper meal time. I have to this i have to that during my working hours, blah blah blah...

Example 2:

He: How is Pluck Air?
Me: Oh... I heard he is not having a good time in his company.
He: Just like me. You know my colleague so and so did this stupid thing and used my name to... blah blah blah...

Example 3:

He: What time do you need to wake up tomorrow?
Me: Nowadays I wake up quite early probably my body clock already tuned to it
He: I also wake up very early like before. Even I wake up early and reached the office early also no point because my bosses have the habits of... blah blah blah...

Whenever you tried to go off topic, he will pulls it back. Whenever you don't listen to him, he will sulk or raised his voice for higher level of attention. Whenever you offer alternative solutions, he will deliberately look elsewhere till you have finished talking and repeat the negative talks again. This is why after 2am that morning, I m.i.a for many many many couple of minutes, hours, days as if forever till he misses me again by texting me for cOfFeE!

Mil complains to everyone who will listen, even to neighbor I bet. Cos when she 1st met my mum long ago, she pour out her complain to my shocked mum Lol.
They are doing not too bad previously, n heard even better last 2 years. Therefore heard they increased her 'wages' by ard $100 recently to now $600-650.
By what I heard/notice or see when I'm there, they seldom take her out, probably only on major occasion /festive. She also visits the doctor on her own for some health issues.
The couple put on show of being fillial children who give $ to Pill to 'spend' etc but only 'inner' people knows the truth. I may not know everything but I got a feeling the two are kind of mooching off some. N boastful they are. Could u turn a blind eye to this? I tried, even sound her off, n it did stop awhile, but then the complains recur with a vengeance recently whenever I'm alone wit her

You try to arrange a date with your mil on my behalf and I try to arrange a date with my ex colleague on your behalf so that the two of them could mingle and complain to each other for all they want.

Gosh! She needs to visit the doctor on her own for some health issues. That can also means your only priority is to care and concern for her over her health and full-stop? As for whether could I turn a blind eye? My answer is anytime. I am halfway through the art of letting go of whatever not within my control. Even my family members remind me of that from time to time. The first step to acquiring happiness is to seek to value it.

 

[ash3]

This is why after 2am that morning, I m.i.a for many many many couple of minutes, hours, days as if forever till he misses me again by texting me for cOfFeE!

hahahaha ...so did u join him for Coffee & continue the story?

You try to arrange a date with your mil on my behalf and I try to arrange a date with my ex colleague on your behalf so that the two of them could mingle and complain to each other for all they want.

Yes, that sounds cool Perfect!

Gosh! She needs to visit the doctor on her own for some health issues. That can also means your only priority is to care and concern for her over her health and full-stop?

She stays with the other son. Sorry, but not sure what the 2nd sentence mean?

I am halfway through the art of letting go of whatever not within my control.

Yes, that is ultimately the best, but is not so easy in real life, at least for me. I need to learn this art

 

[Dr. Tooth]

hahahaha ...so did u join him for Coffee & continue the story?

Yes because I'm after-all not a gay but a nice guy! And like you had mentioned earlier, I did cut the session short and our nExT coffee session will probably be another few more months later.

She stays with the other son. Sorry, but not sure what the 2nd sentence mean?

Yes, that is ultimately the best, but is not so easy in real life, at least for me. I need to learn this art

The second sentence means that regardless of what she talks or does, you can always remind her that her health is more important than anything else. Assuming she complains non-stop, just remind her that the unhappiness in her will agitate her health issues even more and since that is the case, why not focus on other areas of her life that could cheer herself up? Indirectly to stop her nonsense. I'm certain she will continues to complain and repeat the reminder to her again for a total of 3 times.

Based on findings, the moment you indirectly or directly rejects a person/ salesperson/ any person on the 3rd attempt, the pursuer will stop. I applied it in real life and it works amazingly. And assuming the mil has the determination better than the best marathon runner, you pack your bag and leave earlier. Visit them late and leaves early for a better peace of mind.

Anyone who says life is easy is never real. Like the saying goes... fake it till you make it. The first time after trying it, you probably feels guilty. The second time after trying it, you probably feels much better. And the third time after trying it, you will feel natural. The objective from withdrawing from negative people is to redirect your positive energies onto others who needed it more. Before you could channel the positive energies onto others or helping others... you need to be feeling at your best. And that is my motivation to continue embracing towards the art of letting go. What say you?