Cannot forget his betrayal

[zodiacdolly]

i realise i've lost total trust in my hb... i tot i could 4give & 4get but i couldn't... i couldn't 4get abt his betray..

wat he did was chatting intimately w a gal he known on facebk... he gave a fake identity abt his name & his marital status...they never met..but they exchange HP nos & been msg each other..sometimes i dun wan 2 tink if they really met, wat will happen...

when i learnt abt it, i was devasted.. cos i didn't knw tat he could chat so intimately w someone...tat kind of emotional betray was a blow 2 mi...all along i leave him 2 do wat he wans, i never check on him even wan a gal was calling or sms him...tis happen abt 6 mths ago...

as usual he said it was just a moment of foolish, he had no heart w her... he stopped contacting her...& tis woman after a while, stopped contacting him...

everynow & then any little single things he do or say, will make mi tink & even check on him... i really hate such life.. deep down i'm tinking when he will do it again?

i would say since then our r/ship was better, his needs were aso being met constantly as compared 2 the past...i shd say i would try 2 meet his nds constantly..

wat i shd do? i've been telling myself nt 2 tink but 2 trust him but 6 mths have past but i still couldn't trust him...

 

[sane]

Is it he's too bored? There's lotsa funny thing that ppl will do out of boredom.

 

[zodiacdolly]

hi ser

ya, he's too bored in office, most of the times he had nothing 2 do at work...he will surf internet..it started w his interest in shares, then found a chatline, whereby they shared on FB, he then created a FB account... tat's where he get 2 knw her...

after tis incident i wanna him 2 quit his job, of cos i gave him reason of distance frm our hse etc...but he said where 2 find such gd job, with such pay...

cos i aso dun wan him later found a job he doesn't like, he'll blame on mi... aso now he can go hm on the dot, i aso like it...wat can i say, i hve no choice but 2 "trust him"...

 

[sane]

Zodiac, that's wat my frd's hb did out of boredom too, he added the Thai gals n chat with them.
My frd was furious too n tell her hb off but then she trust her hb so she scold and forget.

They are very close n don't let this incident affect them.

 

[zodiacdolly]

hi ser

their conversation wasn't just chatting but is like a couple chatting whereby there's kissing involved, with sentence leading 2 sex...like a cyber couple doing cyber intimacy...

i knw the gal has sms him & i saw the msg was just normal saying abt food etc...didn't knw when they r online, they chatted so intimately...

probably chatting i'm able 2 accept at tat pt of time when i trust him fully ...but w such intimate sentence & statement, i can't accept...

now if he starts chatting w gals, i will nt allow since he can go tat far w gals...

wat happen now is every now & then i tink of divorce but i can't bear 2 let go tis family we built.. been telling myself nt 2 tink but i dunno how since it's been tis long but i still like cannot 4get...

 

[moorspa7]

Hi zodiac,

I can understand how you feel as I hv been betrayed by my husband. Emotional betrayal is just as bad. For my husband, it started with pornography which is really bad as men will start to hv fantasies and want to act out with their wives, which is unreasonable. Then it lead to prostitutes which I found out reading his sms (he forgot to bring his phone to work) on the very day he visited the prostitute. I didn't know pornography can be such a bad thing until I read more abt it, as I used to watch it with him. If I hv known earlier the side effects it would bring, I would hv stopped and not join him. What disgusts me is when I know the truth abt pornography is that it is just a show but it lead men thinking that it is real. Our marriage were on the rocks but he always think he is not in the wrong and doesn't communicate so it just deteriorate. The best part is I found out recently that he married me out of convenience and does not love me at all. That gave me a closure, and I no longer try to make this marriage work. All along this marriage is one sided, that's why I hv been suffering so much and trying, thinking things will improve all cos of my love for him. He took advantage of my love and 101% trust for him, and betrayed me. We are just parents for our kids.

Even though I may not feel so much pain as before, but it is still there and I'll never forget it til I die. I would forgive him, if he makes an effort to make the marriage work but he is lazy and he just wants to be a provider, so I can't find any reason to forgive and forget. In fact, I hv lost faith in love and marriage entirely.

Bored is not an excuse to chat with other girls, cos you never know when chatting may lead to affair. There are so many useful things to do, to chat with girls when you are bored, it is just so lame. You can never trust a man 100%, always prepare a back up plan for yrself. Try to talk to him abt how you feel on this issue, if he cares abt how you feel, he would stop. Such things can be addictive, so you hv to stop it before it becomes uncontrollable.

 

[sane]

zodiac, Is ur hb willing to salvage the marriage sincerely? if u really can't bear to see his face, u might like to take time off to cool down for both of u to really think about it.

moorspa, sorry to hear about that. It takes a lot of love for a marriage to work not one sided. U can bring a cow to the river but u can't force it to drink water.
U already tried ur best.Start to plan for ur future, llive life for yourself, treat him only as a house partner, at least he has the decency to provide.

 

[zodiacdolly]

Hi moorspa

sorry 2 hear abt yr story.. ya i agreed w ser, it nds love frm both party for a marriage to work..

my hb loves watching pornography aso & even b4 we r married he been watching it, sometimes we'll watch it together... so i tot no harm at all.. but i knw after i gave birth 2 our children, our sex life drops...he wans it but sometimes i dun wan, & even rejected him & he was really angry & quarrel w mi over tis..

recently i suspect tat pornography is the cause of his betrayal, so i causally ask him hve he been watching it... he denied... i was puzzled y the denial... cos i checked & knw he been watching.. i let it go the first time, second, third.. the fourth time, i really cannot tahan the denial.. i started 2 confront him... he said it's his privacy he dun like ppl 2 knw.. i said i nt ppl but his wife...& he knew i knew abt him watching even b4 we r married, y the denial... i told him i dun like ppl 2 lie if there's lying there's something 2 hide... anyway he says next time he watch he'll let mi knw..but he said it out of fit...i decided 2 let it off cos now he knw i upset abt his denial...but i tink i can't stop him watching...

 

[zodiacdolly]

Hi ser

i suppose my hb wanna salvage the marriage but sincerely ant i nt sure...

our sex life did improve as compared 2 the past.. i knw he loves our children, he did promise tat he will nt chat w gal... i told him nt 2 hurt mi anymore.. he did promise he will...

i did tink of cooling off for a period of time by staying apart but tis will make the situation looks big & our parents will wonder y the staying apart...

still boil down 2 our children...but i'm so afraid tat he'll do it again...

dunno how long i nd 2 take 2 trust him again... so all these will really b put behind us...

 

[moorspa7]

Hi zodiac,

If yr husband is able to show you that he is sincere in salvaging the marriage through actions, and you could feel it, your trust will slowly built up. I believe trust can be rebuilt but yr husband has to make a lot of effort. When u can see and feel he is making effort, the trust n love can be rebuilt.

My love died slowly cos my husband has never done anything to nurture this marriage or my love. What Ser said is right, it takes a lot of love from both parties to make a marriage work. I was just so blind n stupid to think that pple will change for the better. I guess it's cos I hv no experience in dating and do not know much abt men. Anyway, it was my character who led me to this state. To come from an unloving family to an unloving man, it's e worst thing that ever happened to me. I only hv my 2 kids who can be loving n drive me up to the wall at times. However, I just want to spend more time with myself cos I owe myself too much n I hv not been treating myself well for a long time.

 

[sane]

Zodiac, even a prisoner deserve a second chance. Since he is willing to repent and promise not to hurt you, give him 1 more chance.

If it's my hb who done the same too, I will give a chance too. Put this behind n start everything afresh.

moorspa, our youth is very short. Luv n pamper yourself. Rebuild your self esteem n it might make him to see u in a different new life!

 

[bretrayed]

it really depend on one's character.

There is no use to force yourself to be forgiving if u are not a person who can forgive your husband betraying u, as this will make both parties miserable.

 

[sane]

It greatly depends on the hb's will to repent n his sincerity.

 

[moorspa7]

What Ser said is right, I stayed and was willing to change for the sake of the kids, and also at the same time I hope he would do the same, but he did not. He never did his part to give me emotional support when I was suffering from depression. I was just being left alone to suffer and expected to recover by myself. When I lost my sanity, he think that I am a crazy woman. Thinking back, I feel stupid to lose my sanity over a heartless man. I lost my health n myself, I used to love myself n wondered why i changed so much.

If he did his part to support me in all ways, my life would hv been different. However, when I finally find my old self, I would not get back together with him, even if he wants to cos in the first place he never loved me. He has wasted so much of my youth n e hurt he has given me for so many yrs has traumatized me. Til now, he is not repentent n can say hurtful n insensitive words to me at times. If he wants to change, he would hv change long ago. He still doesn't know where he stands. 7 yrs of emotional torture is more than enough.

 

[sadliving]

better plan for your future. There are others who can give u a better life

 

[newlife2010]

if u can't forget then u better to divorce or it's going to be worse.

 

[moorspa7]

Hi sadiving and nikki,

Thanks for yr advice. I hv made my decision to stay after many years of deliberation. When it involves kids, I cannot make a haste decision. If no kids are involved, divorcing will be easy for me. Yes, I can't forget but I hv done self reflection and realize it was my mistake from the start. My naive thinking abt love and marriage brought me to this state, I was not assertive and didn't trust my instincts when things go wrong, there were signals but I didn't take heed. It is a huge lesson learnt. I hv heard stories on how divorce can make or break a person, it is not an absolute solution to all marriages. I wrote in the forum to vent out and share, there will be obstacles in our life but I feel it is to test how each individual is able to overcome it and become stronger. Most importantly, I hv learnt from this unpleasant experience and I'll not make the same mistake again.

 

[blur_ballerina]

how can divorce make or break a person? can u share more?