My husband hit me
- Thread starter korena
- Start date
brainy smurf
Member
Have u sort out your logical thoughts?
1. What will you do if he abuses you again?
2. Are you prepared to talk to him again?
3. Are you prepared to go and live with him after that abuse?
Emotions are high, don't let them run over your logical thoughts.
Just sharing a true story.
My aunt was frequently abused physically and verbally after my uncle got drunk from visits to night clubs/pubs.
My aunt often ran to my house to seek help. My uncle will chase all the way and create a havoc in the middle of he night. On many occasions, Police have to be called in to bring him away.
Now, 25 years later, they are still happily together. My uncle had promised wife and the 3 kids not to get drunk again.
The point here is not all man change for the better. Some change for the worst. You have to think logically.
Make a decision that will keep all 3 of you safe.
If you need more time to think, then just stay at your parents house. I doubt they will mind.
Just sharing.
I think its not logic that tells you to go back now, but is your heart .... then again I am not you and you are the one living your life and consequences.
true story,
a mum I knew, was abused by her husband and she kept going back to him because she loved him and believed him that he would change. But when the stress of work and money got to him, he would hit her and then after that regret. If you ask any of his friends or family, nobody would take him as a wife beater. She only finally left him after he hit her while she was pregnant with number 3 and she lost her baby and nearly lost her life due to heavy bleeding.
You are now pregnant, you love your husband and I believe he loves you too..... I don't know if you will live in such an abusive cycle. You are lucky you have family to fall back on. Not everybody does. Everyone has good intentions but its you who have to live with whatever you do decide.
you are an adult and you are to be a mother, what type of life do you want to lead and what type of life are you going to give your child? if he does one day prove his worth and changes for the better, then you would be right to return to him. But if he keeps going in this cycle, when is enough?
best of luck!
true story,
a mum I knew, was abused by her husband and she kept going back to him because she loved him and believed him that he would change. But when the stress of work and money got to him, he would hit her and then after that regret. If you ask any of his friends or family, nobody would take him as a wife beater. She only finally left him after he hit her while she was pregnant with number 3 and she lost her baby and nearly lost her life due to heavy bleeding.
You are now pregnant, you love your husband and I believe he loves you too..... I don't know if you will live in such an abusive cycle. You are lucky you have family to fall back on. Not everybody does. Everyone has good intentions but its you who have to live with whatever you do decide.
you are an adult and you are to be a mother, what type of life do you want to lead and what type of life are you going to give your child? if he does one day prove his worth and changes for the better, then you would be right to return to him. But if he keeps going in this cycle, when is enough?
best of luck!
brainy smurf
Member
Ur choice seems emotional.
What if he hits u again? What will do? Call the police, divorce? , apply a ppo?
There are family centres out there. I think ur husband need some consuelling. Else, likely, he will vent it on u and the kid.
Just sharing.
End of the day, it's ur choice.
Don't live to regret.
korena
Member
Hi prisci11a
Thank you, this is the point I'm confused. Will he hit me again? how i will live? I need to work ? Will he change because of me? Or he also leave me? My family very concern, and also keep saying that he will hit me again, he will lie again, he will repeat all mistakes again and never change. But my family and my husband, seldom have chance to talk and get to know each other more
Thank you, this is the point I'm confused. Will he hit me again? how i will live? I need to work ? Will he change because of me? Or he also leave me? My family very concern, and also keep saying that he will hit me again, he will lie again, he will repeat all mistakes again and never change. But my family and my husband, seldom have chance to talk and get to know each other more
korena
Member
Hi brain smurf thank you
I agree with you in very emotional.
I only wish and hope it doesn't happen again. Divorce and ppo will destroy him, I don't want him to get all these even we are not together.
I have the same thought too asking him for consuelling, I brought up the topic to him before. He replied that is very waste of money and time. Because consuellors will say things to destroy relationship. Example cases that can be saved, they just advice to end
I always believe any people can change to be better somehow. I believe God is fair. Some situations or some happening will cause a person to change better or worst
I agree with you in very emotional.
I only wish and hope it doesn't happen again. Divorce and ppo will destroy him, I don't want him to get all these even we are not together.
I have the same thought too asking him for consuelling, I brought up the topic to him before. He replied that is very waste of money and time. Because consuellors will say things to destroy relationship. Example cases that can be saved, they just advice to end
I always believe any people can change to be better somehow. I believe God is fair. Some situations or some happening will cause a person to change better or worst
brainy smurf
Member
Divorce and ppo might destroy him. I am assuming he is around ur age, 34.
Going back to him might hurt u, ur kid and ur unborn.
Simple mathematics. 1 vs 3.
If a man at 34yo cannot be responsible for his own wrong doings, why do u want to go back to him?
He did not have tangible actions, plans to change.
It's all sweet talks with nothing. Gamble is any sense is much costlier than seeing a counselor.
Since, when counselor always advise to divorce. They will based on ur husband attitude to determine on what to advise.
Most of the cases, they will always try to ask the couple to try again.
BTW, try those neighborhood fei yue family centre. Should be foc?
Entering mbs, rws, 24hours = $100 = 1 tin of milk powder = 4 packets of diapers.
What's makes u think after 48hours of ur absence he will grow up and change overnight?
He needs professional help if he wants to salvage his family. He better throw away all ego and face if he truthful to change. Stop being a mcp.
Just sharing.
Can see that ur love for him is really deep. You love him more than he loves u. Most of the case, You will end up getting hurt more.
You are doing a self denial, finding excuses to convince urself to go back.
brainy smurf
Member
MCP : Male Chauvinist Pig.
Typically thinks that males are far more superior than females. This era is long over.
No need apologise, u r a victim urself too.
Your choice might affects ur kid and unborn. Think carefully.
As forum friends, we can only advise and share. End of the day, the decision still lies on you. Even ur family cannot stop u from going back.
Once again, just sharing. And do the right thing for ur kids and urself, and stay safe.
Best of luck.
Typically thinks that males are far more superior than females. This era is long over.
No need apologise, u r a victim urself too.
Your choice might affects ur kid and unborn. Think carefully.
As forum friends, we can only advise and share. End of the day, the decision still lies on you. Even ur family cannot stop u from going back.
Once again, just sharing. And do the right thing for ur kids and urself, and stay safe.
Best of luck.
brainy smurf
Member
If he really care, he would not have hit you.
from your posts, I think you want to go back to him and you want someone to agree with you to go back. We don't know you or him well but we only advise you on our gut feels.
As humans, we do not feel that hitting is excusable, whatever the situation is. If stress and pressure can be used as an excuse, then we can all go around hitting and scolding anybody we don't like, we don't because we are supposed to be civilized and understand it is wrong. he had a moment of acting rashly without his head, why won't he do it again? pressure and stress is there all the time.
I think before you go back, make him go for counseling, make him understand your fears, you cannot only think of him and you, there is the innocent child who is blameless of what decisions that adults make.
Loving or caring doesn't excuse abuse, physical or mental. You are not his human punching bag, his outlet to vent.
if you go back to him just like that without ensuring yours and your unborn child's safety and it all happens again, who is to say it is not going to be worse, and you also will disappoint the ones who love you the most, your family.
for me, I always swore that if one day, my hb dared to lay a hand on me or my children, I would leave straight away and he won't have the chance to do it to me twice, there is no grey in that and he also knows it.
As humans, we do not feel that hitting is excusable, whatever the situation is. If stress and pressure can be used as an excuse, then we can all go around hitting and scolding anybody we don't like, we don't because we are supposed to be civilized and understand it is wrong. he had a moment of acting rashly without his head, why won't he do it again? pressure and stress is there all the time.
I think before you go back, make him go for counseling, make him understand your fears, you cannot only think of him and you, there is the innocent child who is blameless of what decisions that adults make.
Loving or caring doesn't excuse abuse, physical or mental. You are not his human punching bag, his outlet to vent.
if you go back to him just like that without ensuring yours and your unborn child's safety and it all happens again, who is to say it is not going to be worse, and you also will disappoint the ones who love you the most, your family.
for me, I always swore that if one day, my hb dared to lay a hand on me or my children, I would leave straight away and he won't have the chance to do it to me twice, there is no grey in that and he also knows it.
korena
Member
Hi prisci11a,
Maybe you are right I just want to reassure my thinking. Hitting or stress is not a excuse to hit. People do wrong too, not perfect. Criminals deserve a second chance too. I had been thinking a lot, lacking of sleep. Because I want to be fair too, I cannot just leave a man, then accept another man. So after a period a accept another man. I don't like the feeling of that, I will feel very uncomfortable when sleeping beside. Why i have this baby, because I feel that he is the right man for me. I will not risk to have a baby without knowing that man is right or not. After thinking a few nights, I'm absolutely sure he lost his way and focus. Is the hitting part, his way of going to casino , the way he hide things not to let me worried, the way he handle things, the way he express himself and the way he communicate to other people, friends and family. I'm thinking will he change? Does he really realized and know what to do? For just for a short period. Until today he kept texting me, and voice messages too. This is the 1 time I heard him cried so painfully, and also this is the first time he reacting this way, not eating not sleeping. Normally he will fall asleep within few minutes after he lay down.
Maybe you are right I just want to reassure my thinking. Hitting or stress is not a excuse to hit. People do wrong too, not perfect. Criminals deserve a second chance too. I had been thinking a lot, lacking of sleep. Because I want to be fair too, I cannot just leave a man, then accept another man. So after a period a accept another man. I don't like the feeling of that, I will feel very uncomfortable when sleeping beside. Why i have this baby, because I feel that he is the right man for me. I will not risk to have a baby without knowing that man is right or not. After thinking a few nights, I'm absolutely sure he lost his way and focus. Is the hitting part, his way of going to casino , the way he hide things not to let me worried, the way he handle things, the way he express himself and the way he communicate to other people, friends and family. I'm thinking will he change? Does he really realized and know what to do? For just for a short period. Until today he kept texting me, and voice messages too. This is the 1 time I heard him cried so painfully, and also this is the first time he reacting this way, not eating not sleeping. Normally he will fall asleep within few minutes after he lay down.
korena
Member
I don't want my man to hit me too, but every man will react differently. I have a friend that married to a doctor, very established man, well mannered. 8 years after marriage, then we know that that man has been hitting her with wooden rod, throw rubbish on her from the start. I have another friend, married with a construction company director for 9years, have many girls outside keep laying and cover and making stories to cover his act. Never hit my friend before. But after 9years, he left with another girl. My friend went into depression, because she already 39. no work experience no money no youth anymore.
Why I saying this things, because I'm trying to share my thoughts with all of you here and hear from you all. I just hope I'm thinking correctly and fairly. Not in depression, as I'm still having my baby. I very thankful you all are replying me .very thankful and grateful
Why I saying this things, because I'm trying to share my thoughts with all of you here and hear from you all. I just hope I'm thinking correctly and fairly. Not in depression, as I'm still having my baby. I very thankful you all are replying me .very thankful and grateful
brainy smurf
Member
Yes, u are right for some cases. But, there is no plans or any corrective actions in ur case.
U seems confirm going back without knowing will u be abuse by him again?
And if he does that again, I think u will also find the same excuses to forgive him. U are too soft hearted.
It will become a vicious recurring cycle. It might also become a habit for him.
Some physical abuse damage might be permanent. Not necessarily is u. Might be ur kid or unborn.
Just sharing
Don't live to regret.
mavis_sheh
New Member
I agreed with brainy smurf that guy will keep massaging and trying to contact you when you left him cause this is what happen to my bil and sil.
a year back, my sil found out that my bil had an affair by seeing the photos from his phone. Actually this is not the first time she confronted him but he is always denying. My sil decided to bring their son and stay over at our place. My bil keep massaging her telling her that he was in the wrong and that he will not do it again. He even said things like she is the one he love and that y he married her n that he will end his life if they choose to leave him. My sil chose to forgive him n went back home.
but thing never got better but worst, my bil is still coming home late at night like 1-2am every night and he is always claiming that he's working even during weekend, no one know where he is as he is uncontactable. once every few months, they will quarrel as, if my bil is back home early, he will just stay inside the room and use his phone. when my mil and sil go in, he will hide his phone immediately. there's once when we go out for dinner together, he keep going to the washroom claiming he is very a bad tummy ache. However when I go to the washroom to wash my hand after dinner, I saw him using phone near the sink. He put away his phone when he saw me and walk back to the table. 2 months ago, they quarrel again and my bil actually told my sil that he can't forget the girl and that he's lying when he told them that he is no longer in love with her.
by telling u this, i'm not telling u to leave your hubby but just reminding u that guy will say anything just to ask his wife to come back. But whether can he really keep to it, it's another issue.
Dr. Tooth
Active Member
My logical thought is for you to at least rest your mind peacefully till after your childbirth. Now is not the appropriate moment to be further distressed for the sake of the innocent baby in your tummy. The final decision is still yours to make.
Did you mix up between logic and stubbornness?
I think you can exlude his name to enter casino again.
https://www.ncpg.org.sg/en/Pages/home.aspx
Family matter is complicated, stay strong and get help. Dont drag until situation getting worse.
If you think internal family cant help, you may want to get help from the hotline there.
Will pray for you and baby are healthy always..
do not be afraid, you still have God to solve any problem. Praying and hoping on His hand.
https://www.ncpg.org.sg/en/Pages/home.aspx
Family matter is complicated, stay strong and get help. Dont drag until situation getting worse.
If you think internal family cant help, you may want to get help from the hotline there.
Will pray for you and baby are healthy always..
do not be afraid, you still have God to solve any problem. Praying and hoping on His hand.
korena
Member
Hi brysonmum
I did not do exclude his name. I feel if he don't change, even I exclude him. He will gamble somewhere else. If he went casino that period is because of family expenses, since he said he realized. Then he should not be going anymore and concentrate on work to proof his worthiness and sincerity
I did not do exclude his name. I feel if he don't change, even I exclude him. He will gamble somewhere else. If he went casino that period is because of family expenses, since he said he realized. Then he should not be going anymore and concentrate on work to proof his worthiness and sincerity
Dr. Tooth
Active Member
I'm glad to hear that!
Logic = Knowing what to do and what not to do. Knowing what is right and what is not right. (nothing to do with emotion)
Stubbornness = It doesn't matters how things need to be done and it doesn't matters how things need to be right. Since I'm going to do it my way anyway and if not, I will keep thinking about it. (hoping things will really turn out well)
brainy smurf
Member
All depends on u. Some need to rest, be quiet and think. Some need to have things to do to distract them. No right no wrong.
The priority now should be on ur pregnancy.
Rest more, drink and eat healthy.
Just sharing.
Dr. Tooth
Active Member
Hmm.. actually what I'm trying to point out was to clear a little of your confusion. Time is probably more favorable over logic and stubbornness.
I used to entangle myself in overly complicated relationships. Whenever I do not know what to do, I allow time and space to take over me. Every month ahead will prepares me better than today. If three months is not sufficient to fill my heart with an answer, then grant myself six months of space and so on. As days and months go by, many things will take place naturally. As strange as it sounds, let the universe guide us. It works perfectly for me but it may not works for you or anyone else.
Yes humans got emotion. You can't do things without emotion pertaining to the matters of the heart. But you could get to know your inner-self even better than before during this emotional ride. I hope this posting will not confuse you further. And if it did, please let me know.
brainy smurf
Member
I inferred from your posts that you are defending ur husband abusive ways and excuses with some reasons that doesn't seems valid.
1. Getting household money thru gambling.
This statement/excuse/reason is rubbish.
Real men don't gamble to provide for family. He will go out and earn. If one job is not enough, get two. This happened in my family and I hope to share and let u know. I am born as the eldest of 3 children. My parents and not highly educated, both went to Chinese ed school and didn't complete secondary school. As there are not enough support from grandparents from either sides, my mum quit, stay home. My dad have to substain all the expenses.
He was a bus driver and went to work 5am and only reach home past midnight for 5-6days/week. I only get to see my dad once or twice, most of the time he is sleeping.
He don't gamble to bring back household expenses.
He worked for it.
2. Husband don't blame/abuse wife unless u are materialistic and demand a Chanel bag every month. Assume u are not, the household expenses are for all necessary stuff only.
I think u are trying to blame it to huge pressure, money and that why he abuse u.
What if the abuse hurt the unborn?
What if the abuse left a psychological effect on the young kid?
U will need to stay logical. Make the right choice.
Just sharing.
brainy smurf
Member
I also believe you only requested for the needs.
Love is blind, and affects decision making.
Most humans will be affected to different extends.
But as I said, ur priority should be safeguarding ur pregnancy and protect ur kid and urself.
Just sharing.
brainy smurf
Member
Economy is bad outside.
To secure a FT job might be hard as you are pregnant.
You might want to try find a PT job to begin with first.
Don't lose hope.
Ur kid and unborn needs u to be strong.
Just sharing.
Grace Pan
New Member
Do not have any pity for him, gambling is like people who are addicted to drugs, unless he quit or he'll hit you again n again due to financial problems.