I feel like I am dying.....

C

carolineteo

New Member
I have just gone thru separation with my husband and my two daughters are unawared about this.

My daughter is 16 this year. She has been a quite, obedientand lovely daughter before. However this year everything has changed. She has started to buy portable DVD player, watching drama day and night. After i knew, I confiscated the player and she bought another one. I confiscate again. She bought a laptop. Steal my sister's wallet, earring, tell lie. Everytime she regret whatever she has done but not long later she will create something new. Lately i found out that she has fallen for a schoolmate. They have not started yet but i know that boy is wooing her. This year is a crucial year (Olevel). I wont want her to be dating at this age. What should i do? I am totally disappointed and crying all night. I feel like I am a useless person, cannot handle husband and daughter. Dont have close friend. Why am i in this world? I hope to give up everything including my daughters and go abroad to work. Should i do that? Am i into depression? Can anyone help?
 


Hi sorry to read your post. you can pm me if you want someone to talk to. You may or may not be into depression but need to get some support to stay sane.
 
you have to ask yourself are you an 'authoritative' parent? Cos teenagers in that age is common to be 'rebels'. They don't like to be instructed to do things. In this way, she'll definitely rebel much more..what you need to do is treat her as a friend instead..set limits, give and take for eg. you mentioned that she buy a portable dvd player & watch drama day and night. Talk to her, set a time BOTH of you can agree on that she can watch the drama, say eg: every day 4-6pm after schoolwork etc..Teenage crush is very common, talk to her about growing up and say that girl boy relationships are after O levels. As it's crucial time, tell her that you mean well..and if you this can't that can't, there'll no way she can agree with you..authoritative parenting don't work in these days already..

as for your hb part, does your daughter secretly know? that she saw you both quarreling etc? It might be the reason that she is displaying all these vice behaviours that is actually attention seeking..you have to sit her down and talk to her..she is a 'grown up' now and can understand things..
 
Hi Melissa,

Thank you for your valuable advice.

Yes we will like friend but there are still things that she wouldnt tell me cos she know that i will restrict her. The reason why she bought a portable dvd player because i restricted her to watch after she finished her homework. She was happy with the arrangement at first. However I think she cant wait to finish up the show therefore she bought DVD player. After then i gave her longer hours but it is not helping. She bought another DVD player. She cannot resist the temptation like those drug addict or smoker. Now i close one eye already.

Ever since young i always cultivate them that no boyfriends till they reached mature age like 20 onwards. Explain to them how relationship can affect their studies. I even educate them about sex. Recently i have just told her about my colleague's daughter, cannot concentrate in her study after broke off and got very bad result. While if they are in love how to stop them?

They know that we are not in good terms and seldom talk these days but they dont know we have separated because we still stay together. After her O level i would talk to her more about our status. If i know her well, I dont think she can accept it. Sigh!
 
Hi Samsoon,

Sorry to hear your situation. please dont think u r a useless person. with problems arising at one go, you feel sad, tired, helpless, even thinking of doing foolish acts which is not worth. cry out loud if you need to. you will feel better and relase the unhappiness and tension in you.

ok, now u have to be strong after the cries. you need to live stonger, happier and better each day, inorder to bring up your daughters to lives better and impart good values to them. i believe you can do it. belive in yourself ok.

right now, you do need people to talk to and give some help. there is a TOUCH community service which you can approach for help. their website is: www.touch.org.sg

in the meantime, you can chat with the mummies here ok. though we may not be the expert, we can help one another in another way.

take care
 
Hi Samsoon,

You are infact a strong lady. You have educated them on relationships and sex. Raising a adolesent girl is no cake walk. By your posts, I do understand that you are like a friend to her. And you are also having a close watch on your daughters. Give your daughters a lot of support as they themselves could be distressed about your strained relationship with your husband.
Please continue to be strong. Dont give up. Resolve to think constructively how to bring your daughter to your way, probably promising to buy her something, if she aces the O'level exams.
Also please take good care of yourself, physically and mentally.
 
Hi,

Thank you for all your encouragement.

Yesterday i did something silly. After she slept i went to check her sms, as i am curious about the status of their relationship. However to my surprise and disappointment, she block with password. I was devastated, she is always so open and transparent to me. Why is this happening? I broke down and cried whole night. I am not strong, i felt so lousy and empty. Luckily, I managed to catch 2hours sleep but recently i keep dozing off at work. I better brace up, I cant afford to lose my job now. I dont want to have another blow.

These two years, why is everything going against me. At first was my husband and now my daughter. If this carry on i think i will go crazy.

Perhaps i would find time to talk to her tonight... Sigh! dont think she will tell me the truth.
 
My opinion you should not have gone to check on her SMS cos you should have some form of mutual trust with your daughter..you might thought she was sleeping but who knows? she might have seen you after all..

sometimes, it helps to give space to teenagers but tell them the consequences of when she does certain things etc..and that in the end she has to answer to them herself..sometimes some people have to go thru the hard way in order to learn and appreciate things.

If i were you, carry on life..don't ever give up and as you said you're been thru separation with your husband, then go find things to occupy your time with. This is the time to engage in sports and things that you like to do and meanwhile discover new hobbies. Or go develop your relationship further with your daughter(s) by doing things together..it could be shopping/overseas trips and get things for your daughter..or accompanying them to places they like to hang out in..and last by not least, don't nag..well not saying that you nag all the time but i supposed all mothers do nag at some point..but nagging doesn't solve problems and also don't think negatively that everyone is going against you, approach the problem in different ways as i have suggested..good luck!
 
Is she using iPhone? If so Password is compulsory then. What my mum used to do was she like to buy a lot of newspaper (even now) n began to update me about latest news and we will start discussion on BGR, politics, domestics news.
Get her involved n explain the pros n cons to her.

Is she working now? It's good to do some part time job rather than idling at home.

At her age, I have already started contributing to the family. Knowing how hard $ was earned, I was determined to study even harder.

Do u keep in touch with her school teachers, friends etc? it's good to know her progress in sch n understanding her peers can help to understand her better. Stay buddy buddy with her buddies.

This is what I did to my younger bro too, I know all his friends n add them in my fb. In fact we always hang out together.

I used to hang ard with my frds parent too. In fact they conveyed sensitive topics thru me.

Even now, I made an effort to know all my gals classmates n their name, even the class next door.

At least I will know that she's in good hands,
 
I have my fair share of BGR in sec sch days too, what my mum did is to "invite" him home. We can be friends n even go out but only with mum around, sometimes we will even study at home etc. The infatuation died down soon, she never restrict me from making friends from the opp sex.

With her trust, we won't hanky panky though we did hold hands during sch days.

She say it better than seeing them on the sly, she "screened" every single of my friends n of coz the last one was my hb lah waha,,

I only have my 1st formal bf after I completed my studies,
 
Seeing this thread somehow made me realise of how heavily influenced I'm by my own mum.

She taught me from young that woman must be independent, self sufficient, have our own life even though being married. until now she always help to look my gal, encouraging me to spend more time with my hb, my friends, to exercise, swim, eat well by cooking for us, having more time for myself, stay happy, stay cheerful not for anybody but for ourselves. Life is short, live well.

She say, don't become a auntie juz because u r married n hv a kid.

女人呀，不要因为结婚生姟子就变成auntie...Look at me, I'm still not a auntie in a joking manner,

She taught me to maintain n treasure my friendships juz like hw she maintained hers since childhood.

Whatever I did, she will always made me consider, consider, consider whether I have the means, the capability, the ability to do so. Once decided, there's no turning back. There is no such thing as regret.

She say hb is part but not everything of our life, Leave some space for each other. she say if both want to be together for life, lotsa things will have to let go n stay open minded or else both will suffer.

很多事都要看开，不然两个人要在一辈子会很痛苦。

She is in good ties with my in laws too, to be bochap about the nitty witty issues in life n treasure the ones that really matters, family ties r the most important.

she dun restrict dad fr going out but she will occasionally pop by to say hi to ensure he is in good hands.
This is what I've been doing too, just like flying a kite. Must learn to pull n let go at the right time,

seriously, I m really not confident whether I can be a mum like her to my gal.

thinking abt mum really nvr failed to make me teared, mummies r really the most noble person in the whole world, I'm sure ur gal will appreciate of what u did. Don't ever give up.
 
Susanna,

Really envy you that u hv such a great mum. However, not all mums are like that. I am also influenced by my mum, but she did not teach me all the gd values. Not meaning to talk bad abt my mum. When my marriage failed, I look back why I am such a failure. I am not an assertive person, and I was intimidated by my dad from young. I became very timid. I became a calculative person cos of the values they teach me. Nobody corrected me when I was wrong. I was simply left to learn everything myself which makes it very hard. With weak health, I was criticized by my dad for being a weakling. How to grow well in a family when there is no encouragement. However, my brother( only son) is given lots of attention but being teached e wrong values too.

I am a child that needed a lot of guidance which I can see myself in my daughter. I tried to guide her as much as I can but not with e wrong values. A child's character or belief is moulded by parents, i definitely do not want to be like my parents. I learnt my lesson the hard way n paid a high price for it.

Samsoon,

There is a possibility that yr daughter may know abt yr separation. I think it's better to be honest with her and also talked abt why she is behaving this way. If she already knows, she may feel betrayed by u cos u were not honest with her n kept such an important thing from her. I believed there is a reason why she is behaving this way. Btw, does she has a lot of pocket money? Why is she able to buy a DVD player? You need to find the root cause of her actions. I feel she is seeking attention too.
 
moorspa
My mil is another 狠角色。Throughout the years of being with my hb, I've never seen her flared up, nagged or lose her temper before.

In fact her love with my fil can surpass any teenagers. My fil is a man of few words but he proven his love for her by making her the center of his world, returning home after work, spending all the weekend/PH with her.

They do not need to say much but contented just to spend the night cuddling n watching TV.
Btw, she is a capable FTWM too who raised 3 children n contributed to the household.

Her clause to me is, there's nothing to complain since you choose your own man n anger doesn't get you elsewhere.

<u>Don't expect people to change after marriage too. People wont change. If we can't accept, don't get together in the first place.

Don't marry with your eyes closed n open your eyes after that, u will be very miserable.</u>

My SIL (her daughter) inherited her mum's high EQ of handling difficult people as she's staying with her very difficult MIL+SIL which we have experienced n seen ourselves. Despite that, she has not let them affect her marriage or bad mouth about her in laws. U see, they don't use stone to hit against stones. Give in abit n they get very much loved by their hb.

It is very impt to keep a open mind, there are still alot to learn from them who has not only inspired me from living a happier life but also enhance my marriage life.

Just to share that I read from another forum that a lady felt that she's superior than her M'sia hb. I told her frankly that being an educated Singapore female is really nothing special. So what if she has some IQ but no EQ?

There are real life reality true issues that we don't learn in textbooks.

If the houshold is always unhappy, quarrelling/screaming, what makes it different from those abusive families? She keep attributing all these problem to her hb who had an affair but she never realise that she play a part in her own marriage too.

By keeping a closed mind n insisting it's all the hb's fault, will the problem fade away n vanish in thin air?

http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1879796.html?1335193043

It is good to do a self reflection n learn to see things in different perspectives, iron out any indifferences before the wedge get wider n wider. Things don't happen for no reason.

It is never too late to start learning. At least your path is clear n you know where u heading to.
 
Yes, I hv read that thread and I find she is at fault too, though her husband is at fault in cheating her. After reading her postings, I find she is very overbearing and her husband was already very unhappy before he cheated on her.

Susanna, how do you know yr husband really love you before u marry him? Does it matter who initiated marriage first ?
 
Moorspa, to be frank.. I dun believe in luv after my failed rs. My hb is my childhood friend, I choose him is i believe tt he will be a good husband n a dad, especially to care for the kids even if I m nt ard, die or whatever ...

He is a good looking guy, always with gals hovering Ard him. Before being together, there r 2 gal friends who like him.

I luv him more n more n more for wat he done after the years. juz nw I stepped on some glasses n he immediately rushed oved, kneel down n nursed the wounds.

There were many times that I was hospitalized n in poor health, he will always be there for me. Once I saw him shred tears when I went in the operating room n he's the 1st person I seen when I woke up. My health is not really good n I hv several miscarriages but he n our families will always be there for me.

In fact of my health, he refused to let me try for no 2, he dun allow me to take the risk 1 more time, contented with only 1. He made me feel tt I meant the world to him.

He say he will choose me over the kids.
 
Prior being together, he's a ladies boy... Always with 2-3 gal frds ard..Even now my friends came forward to tell me that he's good looking.

In fact since young when I noe him, he's like tt...full of gals...

When we were together, he cut off all contact n stick to me 24/7 n prior being together, he propose because he has to be posted Overseas. We got married less than 9 months of actual courtship.

I made known to him that I hate housework n wanted my freedom, my friends, he agreed. His pampering made me feel that there's no difference fr single life.

So far he always place his family, my gal n me in his priority, the rest secondary.
 
Thanks for sharing. My hubby does none of the above, until recently I found out he doesn't love me at all. When I was depressed, he wasn't there for me. I was left to fend for myself. Not only am I physically weak, I am emotionally weak. Nobody truly understand how I feel. Every time they'll just say don't think abt it, simply cos they don't understand how I feel. Like Lonelyheart, I also feel tired of marriage. I am better off by myself. My kids are my only consolation. Now I don't listen to useless advices given by my family or others anymore. I hv distant myself cos everybody takes me for granted.

You went through hardship but you gain a wonderful husband. He was very in love with you right from the start, right? I feel stupid, now do I realize when a man truly loves you, he'll do anything for you and propose to you. You are a lucky girl. Really envy u. Such things will never happen to me, as this is my fate. Like it or not, I'll hv to accept it.

I would like to ask you, does a couple either bring out the best or worst in each other? I was told that my husband n I brought the worst in each other but I disagree, I always wanted to solve our problems but he thought nothing of it. However, after learning e truth, I know it's not my fault. I was just being used n I was the only one maintaining e marriage which is very unfair. It was my love that was holding up e marriage but now it's gone.
 
moorspa,

Actually to let u in something further about myself. I wrote something about my past failed r/s which had deeply left a deep scar in my heart. The pain of losing a loved one overnight n to unable to hang onto someone you love is really traumatising.

Throughout my marriage, I do not dare to "slack", I stay fiercely independent, made my own major decisons and dare not be too over reliant on him.

If ever he stray or the heart no longer with me, I be most willing to let him go. He know that I m not the type of person who will kowtow or begged to be taken back.

If he lost me, it's for good hence he dun dare to take me for granted. If he know that u r the kinda who will never leave no matter what, do u think u will still be treasured?

In fact he's the one who accompany me to "tabao" all my barang fr my ex's house and I never look back since.

And also being a laid back person doesn't mean that I can be trampled on. There's once when he vent anger n shout at me for no reason.
I just packed my bag n left with my gal, checked in a 4 star hotel n enjoy nice food with my gal using his $$$.

He panicked me when he can't find us, apologised and don't dare to do it anymore.

What I can say is don't hang onto things so tightly.

When it's time to let go, let go but never give up trying (especially to our children.)

A sense of humour helps too. Stay optimistic, it's not the end of the world yet.
 
When I was depressed, he wasn't there for me

If we only talk but no actions, they will just brush off lightly.

Instead of walloping at home in depressed waiting for his attention, it will be beneficial if you just go outdoor, be it window shopping, makan or watever.

Find something to focus on n do it well. If there's no goals in life, u will feel v meaningless. Recently I have taken a very keen interest in baking n cooking and I m determined to excel in it!

Prior to that, I've taken a phototaking/ editing course to hone up my photography skills.

I can just take my SLR camera to outdoor n snap pictures and sometimes requests fr my friend to their home to take pics of their pet.

Now I don't listen to useless advices given by my family or others anymore

What else can they do other than repeat the same old thing? Focus on other topics/doing other things as well.

How about a joint cooking session with mummy? I like cooking with my mum, drinking with my dad, bro n sil. Sometimes we just chit chat nonsense or make corny jokes.

Going out with mummies friends of your daughter's classmates? I did n we always like to mingle in the bookshops browsing stationery/assessment books etc.

There's so many so many so many things waiting for you to do! Btw are u working?
 
Thanks, I hv learnt a lot from you. I wanted to pack and leave for a short while, but I hesitated cos I was not confident in e past. You are right, I felt my husband felt that I'll never leave him and take me for granted. I wish I was more assertive and had more guts to do it just like you did. Those thoughts were in my mind most of the time, but I never did it. With my 2 kids, I find it even harder. In fact, I am planning to go traveling or to some other place in Singapore w/o his knowledge but i hv to wait til they are older, spending his money.

It seems like men are all e same, when women become too reliant, men takes us for granted. If only I known that sooner, I would not hv to suffer so much. My kids are like gifts sent from heaven, as I never intended to hv kids at all. They came when I was not prepared. There are times when I feel like giving up everything but the thought of them makes me persevere til now. Today, my younger son told me to eat more and I was wondering why. I ask him why and he told me I am eating very little, which is true as I didn't hv much appetite these days. My own parents don't care much abt me, n my son's words touched me deeply.

My husband don't even care abt me either. My love for my kids is unconditional n I can feel their love for me is unconditional too, though they can drive me up the wall sometimes.
 
No, I am not working. I am not as depressed once I know the truth. When I said abt being depressed, it started in 2005 and I hv just got over it lately this Feb cos I hv found closure in my marriage. I no longer held on to this marriage. I am a very reserved person prior depression, and I don't socialize much.

There are a lot of things that my family did to worsen my depression during my husband's betrayal. If u hv read my previous postings, I hv already distant myself from my family. I wanted to learn cooking when I was a teenager but my mum didn't want to teach me. Completing hsework is more important than her kids. After this episode of husband's betrayal, I saw e true colours of my own family. I was looked down by my parents. I could hv died many times but e thought of my kids held me back. I am not into socializing as my health has suffered for e past 7 yrs. However, I finally find peace with myself and I can smile more than before. Thanks for yr suggestion, I am feeling so much lighter now compared to 2 yrs ago. At least, thoughts of death don't appear in my mind anymore.
 
There's a saying "人生不能想，想了会流泪＂. Don't look back, look forward. Forget about past, put down the unhappiness n don't dwell over it.

U see, u r trapped in a circle n you are walking round and round n the only person who's able to walk out of it is only yourself.

Take a step at a time, try no matter hw small is the step.

There's nothing that time can't heal.

For the sake of your beautiful children, you have to be strong.

Leave the four walls behind you. My friends n I used to say, face the four walls with the negative tots, sooner of later we will become kuku.

Some parents raise their children the hard way. Thinking that it will train them to be more independent, right way or wrong way, they are still our parents who raise us up.
Don't take it so hard, treasure the family time while we still can.

As for the hb, with them or not, life still goes on. Rather than to waste time, energy on negative tots, focus on other interests, develop new hobbies, other things to do to keep the mind occupied.
Learn to feel happy once again. Smile,,,
 
Stay strong, mummies! For your own sanity and also for your children/friends/family who also care for you!
 
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