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Message |
    
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 81
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Monday, August 11, 2008 - 10:10 am: | 
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I have a lovely 1 yr old gal and happy with one. I have heard that one is very lonely for the child when she is older.
I hope mothers who have one gal-child, can share your experience with me. Is this true? |
SuperHappyMum (superhappymum)
Junior Member
Username: superhappymum
Post Number: 260
Registered: 6-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 - 6:37 am: |
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jambalaya,
I think so. I am almost like an only child at home because my brother and sisters are 15 years older than me and I stay with my grandmother. I am not able to share my problem with them as there are generation-gap. I feel lonely.
Now, I have 2 children. I am very happy I have made a great choice because my children will have somebody to share the happiness and problem with.
Friends are friends. Definitely can't replace brothers and sisters especially when we reach 30++. |
mashy (mashybrainz)
Advanced Member
Username: mashybrainz
Post Number: 7489
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 - 3:56 pm: |
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jambalaya
Yah, very lonely if only one. I've one child now and when i see him play by himself, it's so sad u know. So I'm determined to give him a sibling altho i'm happy with 1 actually. It's not just for now, it's also for him when he's older.
I've a friend who's a single child. She didn't get married and stayed with her parents. After her parents died, she's all alone. When she had a stroke suddenly, she was all alone. Her colleagues sent her to a nursing home and helped raised funds for her. If she has a sibling or got married, maybe things won't be the same. At least there'll be someone with her at the end of her road. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 82
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 8:53 am: |
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SuperHappyMum,
Do you think it depends on the character of the siblings and the environment? My sis and I are 9 years apart and we are very close. But I am not close to another sis who is 2 years apart..
I want to have another, BUT..
1. who is going to take care of my child? Our parents are not in SG and I don't trust the maid or infantcare
2. can i give the best to both? with the stressful society, with one I can say YES. with two, I know I can't. And hubby n me have to work till 65-70 yrs old with two 
3. I see some of my frens who are stressd up with 2 kids, if it is so stress, then y have two? the child will get it too if the parents are stressed..will they have a happy childhood?
I agree that no one can replace bros and sis.. sigh.. but I want my kid to grow up and live comfortably.. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 83
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 9:01 am: |
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Hi mashy,
how old is your son?
I am thinking, if we enrol them in classes, they can interact with other kids -> not so lonely? They can also play in the playground with other kids or neighbours? We, parents, can play with them?
My fren who has one says that her dd likes to go home cos she bot many many toys for her to play..
Yes, if I have one, I will 'psycho' her that married life is sweet  I will match mate if she can't find one hee heee... |
Shirlynn (shirlynn77)
Member
Username: shirlynn77
Post Number: 1133
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 10:55 am: |
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I also hope to give my son another siblings, but its not really up to me to choose as I have fertility problem.
I also worried he might be over-pampered. He is now 13mths old, thinking of sending him to childcare when he is 18 mths |
fz (zhen49)
Junior Member
Username: zhen49
Post Number: 336
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 1:34 pm: |
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just want to share this.
my dad was hospitalised last week. while he is in hospital, we (4 siblings) try to visit him (and accompany my mum at the same time) as much as we can and at any one day when one of us is not free/available, at least we are at ease to know that there are another sibling keeping the parents company. my mum was 'relief' from such stress as my bros are handling the administrative, logistics issue and discussion with the doctor. when the doc can't contact my elder bro to discuss my dad's condition, they can contact my younger bro. both of them can afford to take alternate days off and need not be around the hospital all the time. my sis drops by during lunch or after work. when my dad needed walking aid (cane), my bro just contacted any one of us to get. when the medics asked for dad's history leading to the illness, each of us chip in from our memory to piece in the big picture.
imagine if there is only one child. wouldn't the child feel pressured to have face all these stress alone? some may say that the child can share the stress with their spouse, but it is different from sharing it with their own siblings. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 84
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 2:26 pm: |
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fz,
Thanks for sharing. What you said really hit the button and touches me.. I guess we have to think LONG TERM and bite the bullet for now?
Sigh, it really wonders me how mothers with >1 cope..
Do you have any kids? |
mummyo (mummy_o)
Junior Member
Username: mummy_o
Post Number: 181
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 4:23 pm: |
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Hi jambalaya
I think at the end of the day it's a personal choice but all the only-child friends I have wished they had a sibling. One even told me she feels socially inept when she's out with a group of people as she spends most of her childhood alone. I think that says a lot.
I think you need to see things from another perspective. Quality of life does not equate to how much material things you have! No amount of toys or money you give to your child can make up for the lonliness she feels now or when she's much older.
Besides, it's not so bad with 2. I don't know why your friends are so stressed with 2 kids when I myself feel that it's much easier taking care of 2 than one. I've 2 boys myself, one and three. Although the first year is tough, now that the younger one is older, they usually play by themselves and bug each other, leaving me more time to do stuff like cooking and cleaning around the house. And I'm a one woman show, with no maids or mum or in-laws around the house to help me.
My husband does not make a lot and we are not rich. Just your average income group family. However, we believe the joys a large family brings surpasses the luxury goods that money can buy. Those things are only material. At the end of the day, they are not emotionally fulfilling.
Kids don't need a lot to be happy. And it's too cruel to have your child grow up alone and bear the burden of supporting her parents by herself when she's grown up.
If anything, I myself am glad to have a younger sister to bitch to about my parents. Nobody else can share that but a sibling who has grown up in the same family background and environment as you. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 86
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 8:47 am: |
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mummyo,
Can you share with me how you cope without maids/in-laws, especially the first year?
I guess if 2 siblings of the same gender then it is good. They can play the same games. But with 1 G and 1 B, they play different games all together.. how?
Thanks for your advice. I am really in dilemma! |
fz (zhen49)
Junior Member
Username: zhen49
Post Number: 337
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 8:50 am: |
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jambalaya,
I have 2 boys and we are striving to nurture them to have a close relationship. |
mummyo (mummy_o)
Junior Member
Username: mummy_o
Post Number: 184
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 9:43 am: |
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jambalaya
I don't think gender makes a difference when they are that young. They can still play together!
I try to get both on a schedule, like get them to take naps together and have set meal times etc. This is of course impossible when baby is 0 to 6 mths old. My older one also goes to a playgroup so i get like 3 hours alone with the younger one everyday.
I have my meals sent to me by tingkat service so i don't have to cook for myself, only for my kids.
I've a washing machine and dryer so i NEVER have to wash anything by hand.
Other than that, it's really very ok.
I think you are overthinking this. When the time comes, you will handle having 2 kids. It's fun and it makes for a more balanced family.
The trick is to keep to the age gap small so they will grow up together and before the older one knows how to get jealous.
I'm currently expecting the third and although being a SAHM isn't a walk in the park, I don't get why so many people are so stressed out about it.
Only problem now is I get so tired easily cos of the pregnancy and my other 2 expects me to play with them constantly then I'm beyond exhaustion at the end of the day but it's only for a while.
Now looking back, I had such a breeze being pregnant with my second when I only had my first to look after then! |
cowandchick (cowandchick)
Member
Username: cowandchick
Post Number: 925
Registered: 2-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 4:19 pm: |
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Just my thots here:
My girl was only child for 8 years before we had our son. Sure, she was lonely, and we wanted to give her a brother or sister. But somehow, it was not forthcoming, no matter how hard we tried. And I also had 2 miscarriages along the way. I felt I was so stressed up trying to give my girl a companion, that I was beginning to neglect her presence.
Sure, growing up as an only child can be quite lonely, but sometimes, it isn't really a choice. When I was preggie with my boy, I decided that should I miscarry again, then that's it! I should just concentrate on giving my girl the best. We were lucky, i guess.
You can, and should try for another, to keep your girl company. But don't get to caught up in this, or you'll be like me, and forget about your child. Enjoy what you have, and work towards having more.
All the best! |
pbtgal (pbtgal)
Member
Username: pbtgal
Post Number: 664
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 10:21 pm: |
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Hi jambalaya
Agreed with the mummies here, esp cowandchick. My boy is 2+ tis yr. Abt a yr ago, i had a miscarriage. At first my hb & I were overjoyed though the pregnancy came unexpected cos we planned to wait for at least a yr b4 trying for #2.
However, things juz dun turn smooth, i had a miscarriage. Now after trying for a yr, its nothing.
Our family too, felt very sad whenever we see our boy has to play by himself. Though we tried our best to play wif him, deep in our heart, we know its very different to have a sibling of about the same age playing than his two 老头子 (my hb & i are not young, i gave birth to my 1st son at 34y).
We are also thinking far, we definitely wun wan to be the burden of my son when he is the only one who has to take care of not 1 but the whole bunch of family members at home - becos he is also the only grandson for my inlaws. My hb's sis & bro not bearing any children.
I am still trying for #2, however, age is really catching & wont wait for anyone. I wonder whether i will have good news coming along but i am already a 高龄产妇。 |
daisy (daisyt)
New member
Username: daisyt
Post Number: 26
Registered: 7-2008
| | Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008 - 4:15 pm: |
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I have a single child (now age 12) and somehow, she is growing up fine in terms of character and she loves little children. My feedback from her teachers, she is very considerate, tolerate and takes care of other classmates very well. They could not believe she is from a single child family.
Sadly to say, my husband and I do not have good relationship with our own siblings and this negative experiences make us stop at one.
I always try to maintain a friend relationship with her instead of mum-daughter relationship and I think maybe this helps in her growing up process and character development. |
cowandchick (cowandchick)
Member
Username: cowandchick
Post Number: 929
Registered: 2-2007
| | Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008 - 5:48 pm: |
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Hi pbtgal
Sorry to hear of your miscarriage. But don't worry, keep trying. I had 2 before my boy came. I gave birth to my boy when I was 42. It did put me in the "danger" zone, and I must admit I was extremely fortunate.
Even after having my boy, I continue to ensure my girl gets my attention. I agree with daisy, we should try to maintain a 'friend' relationship with our kids. This is so because my kids are 8 years apart, and there are times she needed someone older to talk to. Her brother is only for play! |
pbtgal (pbtgal)
Member
Username: pbtgal
Post Number: 668
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Monday, August 18, 2008 - 6:39 pm: |
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Hi Cowandchick
ya, agree that we have to maintain a 'fren fren' r/s rather than parent-child then we will be closely knitted.
I am still ttc and hopefully will rec the good news soon then my factory can stop, hee cause i dun think i have much energy to handle more children. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 87
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 2:31 pm: |
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Thanks all for your advices. It makes me ponder deeper into my decision..
I have a situation like Daisy, I grow up in the environment where I see my parents arguing abt $$, bad relationship in the family and parents' pressure to provide daily needs on the table. I remember wondering why my parents wanted to have 3 children when they can't support us well.. And I was rather resentful about it..
Now, I want to make sure I can provide a comfortable life for my gal and hence hold back the thought of having another. I am now very busy and have no time to myself with just 1. I can't imagine myself having 2 and end up feeling stress and always argue with my hubby. This kind of environment is bad for my gal...
What do you guys think? |
mummyo (mummy_o)
Junior Member
Username: mummy_o
Post Number: 193
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 2:54 pm: |
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Hi jambalaya
i grew up in the same situation as you too. My parents always arguing about money. My mum kept saying she gave up her career to have us, dunno why she got married etc. I'm now expecting my 3rd child and she keeps nagging and nagging that I can't cope, our finances can't cope, why I'm having so many babies, I'm crazy etc. My mum really drives me nuts.
But all these times at least I have my sister for support. i remember the times when we were young and our parents were fighting and we would hide in our rooms to cry. At least I wasn't crying alone.
I vow never to let my kids go through the same ordeal i went through so I make sure we never fight in front of them. We make do with what little we have, not much luxuries but we are happy.
If you think having another child will really stressed you out then just have one and buy her a pet if she gets lonely when she's older |
daisy (daisyt)
New member
Username: daisyt
Post Number: 32
Registered: 7-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 2:58 pm: |
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Hi jambalaya, its a matter of what you want. Money is always not enough, if its one child or many children.
If you want one child and give him/her the best your can or you don't mind a few children and just provide the basic.
As to the question of burden your single child when you are old, it is how the child is brought up, the character of the child and the family bonding. Difficult to tell now and too far to think about it.
Siblilngs relationship - does not mean if we give our child one or more siblings, they could get along well and be happy till they are adult hood ? What happen if the siblings bring trouble to her ? Instead of having the companion, they created more problems for her. So if it is for the companionship reason, I don't agree.
If I forsee the problems after having another one, I would rather don't get into the problems unless I am very confident I could face and solve these problems.
No matter how many children one have, the most important is to have a happy family. Its a matter of your own situation and the environment you are in. |
Chua Siew Hoon (cjacelyn)
New member
Username: cjacelyn
Post Number: 1
Registered: 8-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 - 3:25 pm: |
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Hi Daisy,
I agree with you that most important is to have a happy family.
Same as Jambalaya, I wanted to have a 2nd child for my daughter now 3 years old but I do not have a happy relationship with my hubby and my MIL.
Conflicts occur after my daughter is born. My MIL takes care of her after my maternity leave ends. I argue with her almost everyday over small little things on taking care of my child.
Now the situation still the same. With no more love between my husband and I, do I still want to have another child for the sake of my daughter? Shouldn't there be love when you try to conceive a child? |
shane (shane)
Advanced Member
Username: shane
Post Number: 5837
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 11:43 am: |
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mummyo
will pets really do the trick ? I have dogs to keep my 3YO company but I wonder if it's really the same.
I'm also sitting on the fence whether to have another. If only one, I can have the best for her and myself.
I think the no money issue boils down mainly to comfort level. We have all progressed to a stage in society that certain things are a necessity when it was a luxury items in the past, like car, air con in the house, enrichment classes.
Hi Siew Hoon,
If relationship btn hub and wife is no gd. I think it's better not to go for another since you dun know how the r/s will progress in future. Kids really suffer when the parents are not on good terms or eventually divorce. I hope you dun mind me being frank. |
jambalaya (jambalaya)
New member
Username: jambalaya
Post Number: 89
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 4:50 pm: |
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shane,
I personally not a pet-person, so I think pets is off for me i will send her to playgroups and play with neighbours if she has no siblings.
for me, my concern is to take care of another child - it is very tiring for me. with one, i m already so tight. i can only have personal time when she goes to sleep at 9pm everyday. else, all eyes on her as she has just started walking :"(
cannot imagine wat happens if i hav 2 to manage.. sigh!! |
shane (shane)
Advanced Member
Username: shane
Post Number: 5842
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 12:14 pm: |
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jambalaya,
Twos is quite a trying stage. When they're older, things does start to get better.
Maybe wait till the thought crosses your mind then you rethink again.
That's also why my kid is much older now - 3YO, then I start to think about it. As they're older, they more independent with basic needs, then u can be more freed up for the younger one. The only trying part is must fulfill the older one emotional needs too. |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 12624
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 - 12:42 am: |
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jambalaya,
1st one is always the most tiring & most expensive one,
come 2nd B when you are more experience with BB->kid, it'll be easier,
also pass-downs can be shared to save cost. |
bling_always (bling)
Member
Username: bling
Post Number: 1036
Registered: 7-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 - 10:41 am: |
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Just to share,
I'm the only child so I dont have any sibling to fight with me and talk to me when I were a kids.
lonely...very very lonely....
Last 2 month my mum admitted to hospital, nobody can take turn with me to look after my mum...
nobody can share the burden with me...
Sigh....Stress loh.... |
jolene koh (jolenekoh)
Member
Username: jolenekoh
Post Number: 916
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 - 10:56 am: |
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Just my opinion
All these have to depends on the bonding and the mindset... and reading from the newspaper, doesnt mean more sibling will hold responsible for the parents, some even drop them off at the old folk and juz ignore them. Last time Parents can bring up 3 or more children...vice verse.. 3 or more children cant even take care of their parents...
All we can do is SAVE and SAVE... for ourselves. This generation the moral is already becoming weaker and weaker...cant imagine our nex generation.. sigh...
And most of all we dont have the mindset that our children shall take the responsiblities of all our bills.. their life will be more tough than us.. the competition and expenses... |
fz (zhen49)
Junior Member
Username: zhen49
Post Number: 344
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 - 8:54 pm: |
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Just my opinion too..
For horror stories that depicts sibling dropping their parents off at old folks home...if you have done your share of being a good parent, do you have so little faith in your own children growing up to be filial?
Even if we have a lot of money to tide us through our old age and possible hospital bills or that we don't want our kid to take responsibilities for our bills, wouldn't we want that personal human touch and emotional support that family members can only give?
As for next generation's moral becoming weaker, what we need to be concerned is how we upbring our kid..surely you should be confident of your parenting skills? Having said that, if you feel that you are a good parent to your kid, don't you want to benefit another kid that you call your own since you are already doing a good job?
JMHO. |
jolene koh (jolenekoh)
Member
Username: jolenekoh
Post Number: 920
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 - 10:13 pm: |
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Yes we still need the personal human touch and emotional support, but what i mean is that we try not to burden our kids the medical fee, juz financially plan for ourselves and insured ourselves, so kids will not be burden wif all the bills.
Of course we wants our kids to hv proper moral... but i have seen many cases too, even thot their upbringing is good.. but..zzzzz ... the other half of their partner still play a big part/role of it too.
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cocoon (cocoon)
New member
Username: cocoon
Post Number: 88
Registered: 10-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 12:47 am: |
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Just to share that my first daughter was bit older, about 5 years old when my second one was born. I think that age gap is good as she is such a good sister who helps me to take care of the younger one. Of course nature might play a part, but by that age, she's very independent and doesn't need much help from me bathing, eating, etc. and enjoys helping. There is less likelihood of rivalry i think as they are not of the same age to snatch toys. of course, we have to take effort to make sure she gets her required attention. It warms our heart so much to see her playing with her sister or reading to her. |
Sunny (wheee)
New member
Username: wheee
Post Number: 32
Registered: 9-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008 - 11:26 am: |
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Interestingly, I've got 2 articles that you might be interested in. One is about growing up alone, and another one we have 2 families talking about being the 'middle child'. Hope you'll find them useful!
http://sg.theasianparent.com/articles/Growing_Up_Solo_Kids_Speak_Up
http://sg.theasianparent.com/articles/stuck_in_the_middle |
mummyo (mummy_o)
Junior Member
Username: mummy_o
Post Number: 421
Registered: 8-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008 - 1:59 pm: |
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Sunny
The articles were interesting! I guess it all boils down to upbringing and not neglecting your children no matter how many or few you have. |
ezilah ibrahim (ezilah)
New member
Username: ezilah
Post Number: 2
Registered: 10-2008
| | Posted on Friday, October 10, 2008 - 1:24 pm: |
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i second it! |
Sunny (wheee)
New member
Username: wheee
Post Number: 42
Registered: 9-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 - 5:59 pm: |
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ya lo..the troubles of every parent. many times we become so myopic that we are so occupied in getting a good job, engaging ourselves in the rat race, spending too much time in the business, in hopes that we can provide a better life for our children; forgetting that what they need most is us - Our presence. |
astuteman (astuteman)
New member
Username: astuteman
Post Number: 1
Registered: 10-2008
| | Posted on Monday, December 01, 2008 - 1:41 pm: |
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I grown up with a younger sister, although when we are young we still quarreled and stuffs.
But I am able to share my experience to her, so she will study harder and work harder.
Although having one more child means more money to spend, more time needed to take care for them. |
michelle (michbaobei)
New member
Username: michbaobei
Post Number: 8
Registered: 11-2008
| | Posted on Monday, December 01, 2008 - 9:41 pm: |
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Being e only child (boy/girl) like every other decision has itz pros n cons…growing up as a single child in e family I wld like to share my personal experience…hope tt it’ll be useful to e mummies out there….
Being e only child….e envy of many no doubt abt tt….both parents attn n love all on u….u’ll be more pampered n get e best as compared to those who ve more den 1 child in e family…no older siblings to watch over ur every move….no younger siblings to look after…more or less u ve a lot of freedom…more toys to keep u company as compared to other kids who ve to share with their siblings…no arguments or fightings over toys or other stuff coz itz all urs….pets was not allowed in e family as my mum complains of e fur….
To me those pros were really good when I was still a young child….as I grew older….i felt tt…having both parents attn n love is very stressful on me….being a gal…my mum was naturally very protective of me….n very cautious of my frens tt I hang out with….to e point tt I felt quite “tied n watched”….besides tt there were certain things I wasn’t comfortable in confiding in her….maybe coz I noe my mum’s character well enouf to expect wat her reactions wld be….wat I wanted was some comforting n not “warnings”….confiding even in my bestest gf did not help as she does not fully understand my family’s living….now e stress of being e sole bread winner to support both my parents befall on my shoulders….i didn’t think or felt much of it till my grandma fell critically ill n I saw e medical n hospital bills….it was only den I realised wat a huge burden had befallen onto my shoulders….it was den I decided tt I wld ve more den 1 child in my own family…furthermore…I saw how my aunts took turns to visit my grandma in hospital n discuss wats best for my grandma….but I’m thankful tt I’m very close to my cousin who’s 6 yrs younger den me…but in future I’m not sure coz she wld also ve her own family n own parents to yang n worry abt…how much wld she be able to help me in future is really a big ??….althou I noe tt no matter wat she’ll stand by me….juz as I wld stand by her….
IMO no matter how much love n care n concern is given to an only child…it will n can only fill tt physical loneliness….mentally n socially itz difficult….no doubt tt mum n daughter r/s is maintained as best frens r/s….there’s bound to be a generation gap….a mum’s mindset wld be in an era where her daughter had never experienced before…n wld never be able to relate to….a mum thou living in this era wld somehow be lost in touch with e on goings of her daughter n frens…ie e doings n thinkings of e younger generation….with siblings…to me I felt tt it wld be better…..not only to share n confide in each other but also to be assured tt they’ll help each other no matter in wat situation each may fall into….tts of coz if us parents teach them to live harmoniously n cherish their sibing-ship….no doubt tt pets can help…but even my gf who’s in e same situation as me….commented tt even thou she has a dog for companion…she does at times feel lonely….
Whether to ve a one child family or more itz up to parents to decide….itz a matter of giving e best to one child or providing e basics….for me coz I’ve been thru it n so did my dh…we both felt tt being e only child has more cons den pros…more ppl to share burdens n happiness….n solve problems….
Sorry for my long post…jzu wanna share my thots n feelings… |
stumbled_by (stumbled_by)
Member
Username: stumbled_by
Post Number: 589
Registered: 4-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, December 11, 2008 - 5:40 pm: |
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michelle
jus curious, how old are u now ? Are u married or with child ?
Chua Siew Hoon,
How's your situation now ? |
joy lee (joylee)
New member
Username: joylee
Post Number: 15
Registered: 4-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 04, 2009 - 1:54 pm: |
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Here in a very interesting article on growing up solo...
http://sg.theasianparent.com/articles/Growing_Up_Solo_Kids_Speak_Up |
momotwins (momotwins)
New member
Username: momotwins
Post Number: 1
Registered: 3-2009
| | Posted on Friday, March 06, 2009 - 9:08 am: |
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Ya agree being the only child is quite sad and lonely sometimes. I got an elder sis, 5 yrs older then me but we hardly stay tog when we are young. So at times I feel that we are more like strangers then siblings. Im a latch-key child when I was young as both my parents are working , many times just don feel like going home after school. The house looks so empty and lonely.
Despite all the loneliness, I still grow up well.  |
towkua (towkua)
New member
Username: towkua
Post Number: 11
Registered: 9-2008
| | Posted on Saturday, March 28, 2009 - 10:00 pm: |
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Two years ago, when my elder son was 1 year old, I saw him talking and playing by himself. I was very sad and worried. One fine day, if my husband and I grow old and passed away, he will be all alone. Therefore, I decided to have a second child, and she is a cute little girl! Initially, my boy was very jealous of her, but we kept reminding and showing him we still love him, he slowly accepts his sister. I keep reminding him she is his only sister, must love and take care of her. Now my boy is my little helper. He holds his sister hand, helps to push the pram, get her milk bottle etc.
As for myself, I have two elder brothers. The three of us (esp my second brother and myself) used to quarrel and fight before married, but after we became parents (he has a girl and I got two kids), we are closer. I will sms him if I need help and he will sms me if he requires my help.
Therefore, I feel that siblings are still siblings after all. We can still depend on "own people". |
Phua (phua)
New member
Username: phua
Post Number: 2
Registered: 4-2009
| | Posted on Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 5:51 pm: |
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Hi all,
Just reading through the postings in this thread. Not too sure if this is the right place to post my thoughts.
Like most of you here, I would love to have a 2nd kid but my hubby is DEAD against it. In fact, I am still having a “cold war” with him right at this moment coz of a recent incident last Sat. Our boy is 6 years old this year, and I could identify with all the cons that have been cited for an only child (especially the bit on the guilt and sadness when I see him playing by himself or even talking to himself) but my hubby doesn't agree a single bit to it. He cited selfish (at least to me) reasons that at our age, with a second kid now, he wouldn't be able to retire at 65years, what happens if he should lose his job, going through all the child-caring again, we can't travel anywhere for the next few years etc etc etc.
Over the last few years, I will always get depressed (for myself) when I hear for friends pregnant and the sense of envy is tremendous. Each time it will take me a long time to get over it. I will have to put myself through all the self psycho that I should be appreciative of my current situation, that I am already lucky compared to others who may not even get the chance of experience motherhood, what happens if my 2nd one suffers from some deficiency given my age. All these is so that I can keep my sanity. But the emotional upheavals are very exhausting. Recently, I learnt that 2 of my friends are pregnant with twins through IVF. This time is especially tough coz they are very close to me and both their boys are same age as my boy. It really hurts when I heard him rationalizing with my friends why we didn’t want to have a 2nd kid.
Nowadays its gets so bad that I try not to meet up with my pregnant friends. But there are situations like my sis-in-law who is also pregnant whom I can't avoid as she comes over to our place every weekend. Each time I see her growing tummy, I am reminded of my state.
One of my close friends suggested that I talk to him but the thing is that over the last three years, each time I tried to talk to him about this, he gets very defensive. So I don’t know what I can do. Frankly, all I wanted is to just try and given my age (37 years), we may not even be successful. But he is against it. I am not even asking him to go through any fertility treatments. But I can truly say that should anything is to happen to me right now, my only regret is that I don’t have a 2nd kid. I wonder any one of you here is experiencing the same situation as me? |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 15894
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 6:13 am: |
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Hu phua,
how about asking your 6 yr old boy if he would like to have a little sibling first?
How old are your SIL & your pregnant friends?
I'm a person who always encourge friends to have more BBs, if possible.
In your case, your hubby's got a good point... Age...
If he's not ready to press the reset button,
don't force it, it'll strain relationship & may backfire.
Don't be sad, don't be depress,
be very happy when you hear of someone elses' pregnancy.
You may want to have some "god-children" instead? |
Bloom (bloom75)
Member
Username: bloom75
Post Number: 1692
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 1:21 pm: |
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OMG, phua. Your hb sounded like me... 'selfish (IMO)' reasons.... |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 15935
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 2:07 pm: |
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Bloom,
communication works when there's 2 talking & listening,
give & take lah. |
Bloom (bloom75)
Member
Username: bloom75
Post Number: 1693
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 4:15 pm: |
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lengleng, i understand i only want phua to know that she is not the one in this predication |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 15939
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 4:30 pm: |
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I think most of us have communicating problem with men,
men hears but not listen,
only listens to what they like to hear... |
Phua (phua)
New member
Username: phua
Post Number: 5
Registered: 4-2009
| | Posted on Friday, April 17, 2009 - 6:07 pm: |
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Hi Leng Leng, Bloom,
Thanks for posting.
Well, I asked my boy some time back and he's kinda of clueless to this whole idea of having a sibling. I don't know if that is any indication but I wonder if he really understands what does that mean.
In any case, my friends are both 36 years this year, while my SIL is 34 years this year.
I mean I know its so bad of me to feel depressed when others share with me their good news so that is why nowadays I try not to meet up too often with them.
I know the logical thing is not to force him but very often I think that if he is agreeable to try earlier, this age thingy wouldn't have become a factor in the first place.
I never really considered godchildren. Don't ask me why but its different, I think. I have nieces and a nephew but the feeling is also different. I did broach adoption to him before but he is also against it citing fear of favouritism etc. |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 15942
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, April 18, 2009 - 12:29 am: |
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Hi phua,
6 yr old know already lah...
When our girl was 3 yr old, she told me she wants another little brother,
now she's 5, I asked her if the 2 brothers are enough for her,
does she wants another sister or brother,
she tells me.. no no no.. enough already!...
Anyway, think of it this way,
will your family as a whole be happier if there's a #2 now?
Will it be more stressful, less freedom, less sleep, afraid of losing job & unable to retire early?
Having an additional member is a happy occasion,
a joyful committement,
but if even discussion on it cause strains on relationship with your hubby,
it's not going the correct direction.
Do take sometime to think of,
what's want, what's need, what's pratical.
When you have all the answers, you'll be a happier person.
Can ponder, can depress, can feel unhappy, can be jealous,
but not for too long,
else visiting a shrink may be a better choice.
Age wait for no men, since we can't turn it back,
why not work on better relationships,
spend all the time with your son.
& hubby too, can't make love for baby, but still can enjoy the process right?
For better bonds, for better health.
Just my 2 cents. |
Cheryl (cherylkjh)
Advanced Member
Username: cherylkjh
Post Number: 6807
Registered: 4-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009 - 5:44 pm: |
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my hb oso against to have no.2
cos he scare
haha when i just give birth i say i dun wan to have another liao, but he say cannot. must at least 1 more.
now after my son get sicks and i was not in town. he scare of taking..
duno how to convince him..
my son is 15mth plus... maybe after he is 3 can try for no.2 den again duno hb agree anot |
o_club (o_club)
New member
Username: o_club
Post Number: 93
Registered: 5-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 10, 2009 - 2:58 pm: |
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i am also thinking hard whether should i have another kid. I am quite happy with one but am apprehensive because I'm afraid my son will be lonely. |
Jane (wsj)
Member
Username: wsj
Post Number: 736
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 10, 2009 - 6:31 pm: |
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Something to share:
me and hubby are only child.
when our elderly parents fall sick esp if around the same time, and all the 3 family lived apart. first, only me and hubby have run around singapore keeping the folks sane and at ease... in the end, both of us are so tired.
If only we have one of sibling to help out with the shifts.
2 person to take care of 4 sick elderly and live at different end of singapore. and we are not even counting our children.
think of it.
that's why both me and hubby sees it and decided to have more than just one child. |
mimi (mimic)
New member
Username: mimic
Post Number: 27
Registered: 9-2008
| | Posted on Monday, August 03, 2009 - 5:29 pm: |
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I only have one child and i think its fine...many of us cannot have more than one child due to health reasons, i hardly think that it is selfish. |
Tan Leng Leng (tanlengleng)
Senior Member
Username: tanlengleng
Post Number: 21198
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009 - 12:57 am: |
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Jia You Everyone. |
lexnchris (lexnchris)
Member
Username: lexnchris
Post Number: 1248
Registered: 3-2010
| | Posted on Friday, March 25, 2011 - 4:08 pm: |
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yeah i have one child too and I do not think it is cruel to have only one. I have an elder brother by 5 yrs and I thought we were close till my dad passed on and after I got married and came to a realization my mother favoured him more than me. Because of favouritism, I am very disheartened by my mother who doesn't offer to help me much after i had a child. She has very traditional concept of son more important and daughter married off is no longer my responsibility. Cruelty to me is to have another child when you are still not resolving issues in your marriage everyday quarrelling at home and have your child model and end up marrying a similar partner and then passing on this kind of familiar family life. I don't know about expecting her to take care of me when I'm old, but I think everyone ought to not expect and plan ahead for their own retirement. |
Cheryl (cherylicious00)
New member
Username: cherylicious00
Post Number: 2
Registered: 5-2011
| | Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 10:21 am: |
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Well, I'm the only precious and in fact, I spent my childhood at my nanny's with kiddos around, thus I do not feel lonely. However, things do change, I spent number of me-time during my teens and etc. I do not like crowded places and not so active in meeting up with friends for chats etc. I prefer movies, reading etc. Thus, I have limited friends which I'm pretty cool with. My parents tried their very best to 'compensate' me with their time / money which I do not need at all. Thus, I grow up thinking being rich sucks because you can't get to accompany your kid/s and there's little bonding in the family. So I always look forward to have simple meal with my family however due to their work commitment, sometimes I get the disappointment.
There again, I am in my mid-twenties now and I found a guy whom I know I can rely on, however, my parents do not like the idea to have baby early - to be tied down. Whilst both my SO and myself loves kids, we want to have at least 2. But it's so expensive to have 1, what about 2? Right?
Anyway, it's really sad to be only 1 despite yes I may have cousins, but they have their own life too? Imagine, if i'm going to have 1, then my kid will not have cousins (my SO's has 2 wonderful niece but by the time my kid grows up, his nieces is probably in their teens and who cares about their cousin?
Thus, if possible, I would prefer to have 2. At least, they won't be lonely if one day my SO&i are gone, of course, if only our SOL isn't that high... |
cherrie (mycutey)
Junior Member
Username: mycutey
Post Number: 465
Registered: 5-2007
| | Posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 - 10:53 pm: |
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Hello,
Sigh sigh sigh..... Me also wishes to have another kid lor... But hubby is dead against it..
Reasons as below:
1. Age gap too big, at least by 6 years old.
2. Financially tight due to single income, if got 2nd child, must go cc , this I can't compromise.
3. Hubby can't wait for me to go work soon so that he dun hav to pay for my expenses. This will happen when my kid goes pri 1 and studentcare.
4. I have severe conditions that require frequent steroid treatment unless I watch my diet strictly, worry that it will cause me to have special needs child, then I will sure go bankrupt.
So sad to see my only child, next time grow up with no one to talk with. |
cherrie (mycutey)
Junior Member
Username: mycutey
Post Number: 466
Registered: 5-2007
| | Posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 - 10:56 pm: |
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Mine dun even hav cousins to play with. People around me are not having kids though they are married. So my child is always mixing with adults. |
mumusings (mumusings)
Member
Username: mumusings
Post Number: 1388
Registered: 10-2009
| | Posted on Monday, April 23, 2012 - 8:15 pm: |
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Cherrie:
What's most important is that there are meaningful activities and abundant love from family. My kid also has no cousins to play with but he's perfectly happy to have both of us around as his live-buddy/playmate. These days, he'll voluntarily summarise before zzz time what we did in the day, what he learnt/saw/liked and what made him very happy. With that, we're both very touched and gratified that our efforts have paid off.
Seriously, given my constraints I cannot afford to have another kid and don't wish to subject another life to possibly worse standards than we can afford. I don't think only-child(ren) will be lonely and sad. Sibling rivalry can develop into demonic state if parents can't manage or have time to ensure attention is balanced out.
Diff families have diff problems and therefore differing priorities. For us, we won't push for what we cannot cope with (financially, physically or emotionally). Cheer up and take care of your health!
Not fair to your first child if your mind is often straying to the invisible #2. Hope u don't mind me being straightforward here. |
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